12.07.05

Category: dribblings

i still have a bum finger. it hurts like a beotch. my knuckle is screwed. at lunch today, liz had to open my bag of chips. i tried to open it but i couldn’t get a grip on it. so then i thought i’d just take the chips home with me and then i thought, “jaimie, just ask for help. geez, you’re an idiot.”

conversation at lunch today:
me: i found a radio station that’s playing christmas songs.
liz: yeah, i noticed on the way over here.
me: yeah, well. I LIKE THEM OKAY?! i mean, i know it’s not cool to like christmas songs, BUT I DON’T CARE! I DON’T CARE THAT IT’S UNCOOL.
liz: well, it’s not cool to say the blessing in the middle of Subway either.
me: wha- BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

it hurts to type. here’s some pictures.


yeah, sorry for the blur.


here’s the old family heirloom demon santa in Off Mode

and here he is On

HYPNO-TOAD.
his eyes really glow red like that. and he makes an awful grinding sound ‘cos the arms move (well, the one does, it’s old. the arm with the bell is stuck. it used to ring the bell.)


just think how cute those pictures would have been if i’d have used the flash.

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12.06.05

Category: dribblings

got my jeep fixed. $170. holy cannoli. so now it’s got a brand new starter. so there’s that.

went to the dentist. no cavaties! and? i got to use my insurance card! score!

kaze was out again today. i finally got her back in the fence around 2pm. and when i did, i managed to get my middle finger completely torqued in her collar. the dog was screaming as if i’d set her on fire. i was screaming as though someone had ripped my finger off. i’m sure it looked hilarious. when it happened i didn’t want to look down. i just knew i’d see my finger dangling from my hand.

luckily it isn’t broken. it’s just…in pain. the kind of pain that made me cry.

it’s okay as long as i don’t move it or bump it against something. it’s also painful to grip anything. even if i don’t “use” that finger when i grip something or use my ring finger it sends an awesome PAIN SIGNAL to my bird fingah. the secret is to keep it elevated. if i put my arm down by my side i get some amazing throbbing pain.
the pain means it’s working. but what is “it”?

things that are difficult to nigh impossible to do when your middle finger on your dominant hand is facked:

1. start the car.

2. put the car in gear.

3. drive. unless you just go straight. if there’s no turns it’s a piece of cake.

4. sign your name.

5. unlock a padlock.

6. there is no number 6.

7. take your pants off.

8. wipe your ass.

9. open a beer.

10. update your blog.

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12.05.05

Category: dribblings

jimmy and i went out with Popsicle and Best tonight. we ate at a place called Cooter Brown’s. which reminds me of a dirty joke i know, but it would take me forever to type out. dad and i split (spilt? hee) a pitcher of New Castle Brown. i HATE that beer…when it’s in a bottle. but on tap? holy cow IT IS SO YUMMY.

yo, next time? we are giving Mater’s the finger and we’re going to Cooter Brown’s for beers and wings.

***

jimmy called my christmas tree the Leaning Tower of Christmas. it IS copping a lean, as my mom would say, as she’s the only one in the entire world who has ever used that phrase, that i’ve ever heard anyway, maybe they use it in Canada or something, anyway, it’s leaning forward. it’s not quite at a 45, but it’s pretty ridiculous. “and a tree in that position can’t afford to look RIDICULOUS!”

The Godfather is a christmas movie.
well, christmas is in it anyway.

DOOD! at the Fleegan Christmas Gala i should totally have The Godfather playing on the GIANT television set! SWEET!
or Gremlins.

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12.04.05

Category: dribblings

a busy weekend.
it was warm today…so the red jeep started. so i drove it to the mechanic’s place so’s he can put in a new starter or whatever. i’m glad i waited and didn’t get a tow truck. save a buck or two.

jimmy and kris moved jimmy’s couch and giant honking television to my house. i really have mixed feelings about the big tv. i hate stuff like that. especially since that room is kinda small. but, after watching Family Guy and seeing Peter’s head bigger than mine…well, i’m keeping it. i could even read the [adultswim] bumps without having to put my glasses on.

by the way, i need new glasses in a very bad way.

while the fleegan fellas did the furniture thing, laura and i decorated a christmas tree. yes, that’s right, Jaimeneezer Scroogenstein spent actual human money on a real live christmas tree. this is very much unlike me. i’m pleading temporary insanity. i did it for 2 reasons.
1. the cat always liked it when there was a tree up for christmas. she likes hiding behind it and drinking the water and eating the tinsel. this year though, no tinsel. sorry, toonces.

2. laura’s making me have the 3rd annual fleegan christmas party at my house this year. she says it’s because we’ve never had it at the same house twice.

laura also decorated the mantle with the leftover lights and balls and toys. it’ve very pretty and i told her that i’m telling everyone that i did it. i’ll post pictures tomorrow. i’ve got to charge my battery. i’ll take one with the old family heirloom demon santa off and one with the old family heirloom demon santa on.

the fleegan party will be on christmas day (i think it’s on the 25th this year.), in the evening, say, after 6pm. everyone is invited. so when you get done with your family shenanigans come on-a my house for booze and snacky things. if there’s a particular booze you want to drink, ba-ring it. otherwise i’ll have JD and Mich Ultra. and we’ve got hot chocolate for the children and non-drinkers.
dude, someone should bring some schnapp’s for the hot chocolate.
hee. buttershots!
questions about the party? want to bring something? feel free to e-mail me. pickle@fleegan.com

thanks again to the Catoes for all their help!

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12.02.05

Category: dribblings

here’s some pics that i found on the digital camera. they’re months old.


aw, she’s all wet! poor wittle Roxy Rockstar!


this is Lola backing out of my driveway. it took her 2 minutes and 14 seconds. the only reason i had my camera ready was in case she managed to hit my fence, to catch her in the act. she’s done it before.


we’ve hidden, somewhere in this picture, a jimmy. “Mr. Jones, will you please stand up now?”

what’s that? you want more Roxy?

OKAY!

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12.01.05

Category: dribblings

my red jeep wouldn’t start today.
i had a fuel pump put in it in september. new battery in october. and now? what, what do you want from me,red jeep? ju tink i won’t cut ju? i steeck ju, mang!
i have to have it towed to the mechanic’s place.
again.
looks like everyone is getting a hug from me for christmas. sorry.

***

i’ve had some good conversations lately.
with dad (dad’s playing the part of the jerk maintenance man, kinda like the company computer repair guy on SNL):
him: hey, i’m installing this smoke detector.
me, in the hall: okay.
him: there’s a black and white wire on the detector which one do i connect to the red wire?
me: uhhhhh, is the black one uh…well, i’d connect the red and white-
him: WRONG! it’s the black and red, sheez, good thing you’re not doing this.
me: yeah. well. is the black positive?
him: of course!
me: shut up. besides, in a car battery the black is negative and the red is posit-
him: does this look like a 12v battery to you?!
me: why isn’t the black always negative? i mean, is this an AC/DC thing?
him: …
me: ‘cos in art black is the absence of color so it’s like, a negative, right?
him: don’t even try to use your art brain, jaimie. the white wire is common.
me: common? what the hell does that mean?
him: i don’t know, i figured you’d have an art word for it.
me: shut it.
him: and by the way, how many art minutes is it going to take you to paint that anyway?

while talking to laura:
her: i wish i had taken a picture of the upstairs hallway before we painted it.
me: yeah?
her: yeah, it was turquois with dark brown trim.
me: oh yeah, man that was so ugly.
her: but it lives in my memory. it’ll always be there.
me: …what?
her:…
me: wait, that’s…that’s a…OH! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
her: i knew you’d get it.
both: ALL I WANNA DO IS MAKE LOOOOVE TO YOUUUUUU!

with jimmy:
me: here’s the TV remote, i’ve gotta finish this book.
him: for the fiddy?
me: for the fiddy.
him: will you do this next year?
me: i dunno. it’s actually pretty hard.
him: well, maybe next year you could read 30 instead of 50.
me: what?! no! don’t you SEE?! if i read 50 THIS year then NEXT year i’ll have to read 51!! HAHAHA! i’ll have to keep BREAKING MY RECORD! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!
him: maybe you should-
me: no! get the hell away from me!
him: you nerd.
me: *hiss*

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11.30.05

Category: dribblings

i went to the grocery store last night around 11pm. i bought beer and eggnog. pathetic, yes. and there was only one cash register open because there were only three people in the store and magically we were all in line. i was third in line.
the lady who was first had a wee baby in an uber-punkin seat complete with ragtop. the baby? he was crying. he had been crying the whole time i was in the store. the mom seemed unconcerned and really, i mean, babies cry. it’s one of the things they can actually do. so bully for them, i say.

strangely it didn’t bother me very much. i was just there for beer and nog and i didn’t care about my surroundings. but then, there we are in line. the girl in front of me was buying margarita mix. the lady with the bebe was doing the WIC thing and i have no problem with that whatsoever. in fact, i think it’s grea, and i need kids so i can get free cheese and eggs and things. but apparently the lady had picked out the wrong cheese.
which is okay, right? i don’t care. except everything that is WIC-can (hee) is LABELED AS SUCH AND SO REALLY WHAT’S THE CONFUSION? but i was remarkably calm and not caring that the lady had tried to get more than the alotted 16 ounces of cheese.
FREE POUND OF CHEESE!

and the babe cried on.

and for SOME reason i was thinking about the baby and his crying and it wasn’t a wail or scream type of cry it was just a constant, cranky, annoyed, “come ON, mom! i should be at home right now wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in my cradle! not HERE! not at the grocery store at 11pm! and what do you MEAN you can’t find your FOODWORLD CARD*?!”

i let her use my card.

so while i’m making up that senario in my head i think that hey, actually, i’m glad the kid is crying. for some reason it’s like, a relief or something. it was so weird, like, as long as he’s crying i know he’s alive kind of thing. which is a crazy thought to have, if you ask me.

so the whole time, and honestly it’s a full 11 minutes, i’m trying to keep a smile on my face, well, not a full smile, ‘cos then you look like an idiot standing in line for 10 minutes with a big smile on your face while a baby cries. but i tried not to look annoyed or pissy, because i actually was not annoyed and pissy. like i said, it was a relief that the baby was crying. and when they FINALLY worked the Cheese Incident out the cashier lady was putting the groceries in the cart next to the screaming baby and she cooed at him and said, “oy, wee fleegan! how old is he?” or something like that and the mom lady said, “blah blah months…he’s had open heart surgery.”

and i thought, “ieeee! you dirty emapth! get out of people’s heads!” but immediately follwed with, “well actually, that’s one of the nicer ones. thanks God.”

when i got home i prayed for the baby and the mom and the rest of the fam.

*i hate the fact that they make you carry a stupid card to get the bargain. just give me the bargain! i’ve shopped at that store for over 15 years! i shouldn’t have to prove my loyalty with a stoopid card! jerkholes!

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11.28.05

Category: dribblings

i guess next time i have a gross, disgusting, and sad story i’ll put a warning on it so you’ll know before you read it that ew, gross! tina “sugarlips muldoon” sewell was none too thrilled with yesterday’s post. hee.

***

five things you might not know about me:

1. i seem to be allergic to “all natural” things containing plant extracts. i break out in itchy blotches. this makes me wary of trying herbal supplements.

2. i take the New Yorker because i like the book and movie reviews. the fictions stories are okay sometimes.

3. i’ve never been in a fistfight. but i’d like to be in one just so i could have a story where i could say, “…so there i was on the ground crying like the complete wuss i am, oh but you should’ve seen the other guy/girl…”

4. i’m scared of guns. when i see a real gun in real life i get so tense you could probably clap your hands and i’d have a heart attack.

5. i don’t think Mark Twain was “all that”.

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11.27.05

Category: dribblings

when i was a kid there was this dog in the neighborhood and the dog was a black and white springer spaniel type dog named, Cookie. (hee, not to be confused with the world famous Cookie Magoo). she was the sweetest, softest, most loving dog in the whole universe. i can’t remember who’s dog it was. this was before all the Leash Laws were enforced, and there were about 6 dogs that roamed the ‘hood at any given time. Cookie was really just a puppy, well, she wasn’t full-grown anyway. and very soon she was pregnant.
but she was so small you see, just a puppy dog.

so one day she was acting weird and she kept going in and out from under the nighbor’s house. i kept calling to her because i loved that stupid dog and i wanted to pet her ‘cos no kidding she was the softest, sweetest dog. eventually she came near me but was acting all strange and then i saw that there was something stuck to her butt. so i thought, “hm, what’s that?” and i went to pull off what i thought was a clump of mud or something from under the house. but it was like, two green stalks…so i thought it was a plant or something. but it was purple too. and then it hit me, it was one of her puppies…the two back legs…i could see the little paws…and it was stuck…and had been stuck for probably hours. and it was green and purple and so very dead.

i remember thinking that i should grab it and pull it out…’cos it was probably not very comfortable for Cookie, and maybe there were other puppies who weren’t dead yet that needed to come out. but i waited too long, because it was so gross, right? and i didn’t really want to touch it because i didn’t want to know what it felt like and i knew that it would be cold. it was bright green and bright purple. cookie eventually ran back under the neighbor’s house.

i have never forgotten that. the greenish purple dead puppy. it’s one of the grossest things i’ve ever seen.

none of her puppies lived and a couple weeks later i think Cookie died…hit by a car, i think.

so if i’ve ever been an asshole to you about getting your pets spayed or neutered…i just want you to know it’s not because i’m some kind of activist or anything. it’s ‘cos i regret not helping out that poor dog with the dead puppy hanging out of it’s birthhole, which PS, no one should have to see that sort of thing.

well, that, and i’m an asshole.

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11.25.05

Category: dribblings

late last night, after an amazing dinner with the Fish fam, i came home and there was Crazy Margaret. she had some grocery sacks, and i guess maybe they had leftovers in them. she told me about this pie she had eaten and said it was the best pie she’s ever tasted. it was sweetened condensed milk and blueberry kool-aid stirred together and who knows what else. she went on and on about that pie, and she kept grabbing herself when she talked about it. she talked about that pie and my dogs and some strange car that’s been parked across the street and some people she saw walking down my alley and it was the most lucid i’ve ever seen her.

well, except the part where she said she ate some chicken and it made her throw up because the chicken had that bird flu.

she wanted to sell me sacks of dried milk. i gave her a dollar and a stack of quarters. she said she was going to use it to buy food. i know. i’m a sucker. i’ve been really good about not giving her any money lately but it was thanksgiving and all. and while i am cold and heartless, it’s kinda hard to be cold and heartless all the time.

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