12.29.05

Category: dribblings

i heard something horrible the other day. and now i find that it’s true. the NY yankees bought johnny damon for $13 million a year, a 4-year contract (that’s 52 million dollars for those of you playing at home). why would this happen? i tell you, it’s all hollywood. i think they’re trying to make a new “the curse” with the sox. and i think it stinks. and? 13 mil a year? no. no way. 7 at the most. i mean, he’s been playing for 10 seasons already, he’s 32, and she shaved off his beard. SELL OUT. ew, and without his crazy hair/beard he looks like a yankee. it’s awful. remember when don mattingly refused to cut his hair and Steinbrenner (gay) went ballistic? remember how stupid that was? because honestly, has he even seen a team picture from the ’70s? what is with this prepped up playboy look? gay. i’m surpirsed they still have dirt on the field at yankee stadium. hm, maybe they don’t. maybe it’s synthetic dirt.

of course, if the yanks gave me a 4-year contract for 52 million clams and told me to shave my head and tuck in my shirt, well…i’d head for the bronx too. maybe OT and i could be roommates. hee.

speaking of dumbass baseball, if Orel Hersheiser wins a spot on the HoF this year i’m going to assume that baseball and it’s people have all thrown away their brains. i have nothing against OH, really, i just think there are better ones to be voted in who have been passed up already (Goose Gosage? hello? Bruce Sutter? yes? i know he only play for like, 12 seasons, but those were a strong 12 seasons!) and to have OH win on his first year on the ballot, well that’s just hinky.

i’m worse when it comes to judging the batters.

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12.28.05

Category: dribblings

poor dad. today at work he found a corpse.

LUCKY!

and for those of you just tuning in, my dad does not work in any kind of medical capacity. it’s the first dead person he’s found since he started working there. of course, he called me. and for the record, yes, my dad and i are horrible people.

me: hello?
popsicle: well, you missed all the excitement.
me: oh yeah? did someone bring cake or something?
p: nope. i found a corpse.
m: oh dad! oh no. man, i’m so sorry.
p: yeah.
m: oh man. that’s a bad day. how are you doing?
p: i’m okay. it wasn’t bloody or anything.
m: who was it?
p: it was Darth Vader.
m: NO WAY! oh geez. and i just totally made fun of that guy on the internet the other day.
p: you did?
m: yeah. remember his necklace and his gaping NECKHOLE two weeks ago?
p: oh yeah.
m: oh, and i think i told Dante what a horrible person that guy was.
P: yeah i know. i mean on one hand, dead, but on the other hand…the guy was mean. in fact, his old lady kicked him out on monday.
m: no kidding? she finally had enough.
p: yeah, she even had me change the locks out.
m: wow, that’s hardcore, especially seeing as how he was 90. oh! do you think he killed himself?!
p: the coroner seemed to think it was a heart attack.
m: so he did die of a broken heart!

i was going to swing by mom and dad’s house on the way home from work to have a beer with dad and to find out all the gory details, but i had to work late and didn’t have any time. but i did call him when i got home:

mom: hello?
me: hi mom, how’s it going?
mom: oh fine, i didn’t find any dead people today so it was a pretty good day.
me: yeah me too. listen, is dad around? i wanted to make fun of him.
mom: oh okay! here he is.

dad: yello?
me: hey dad! whatcha doin’?
dad: oh, just watching some tv.
me: well, i was just wondering what you were having for dead guy… i mean dinner.

he, of course, lost it. completely. he laughed so hard he was wheezing. then he was all, “thanks a lot! i hadn’t thought of it for like, at least an hour.”

a couple hours later i get a voicemail from mom: *whispers* psst. jaimie. your father sees dead people.

the pickle family, we are sickies, no?

***

if i had finished all the books i had started, i’d have managed to read more than 50 books this year:

– 1984 by Orwell. i am loving this book. i just don’t want to read anymore.

– House of Leaves i was rereading this one. taking awesome notes on it. but i stayed away from it too long and every time i try to pick up where i left off i get too confused.

– Silent Confessions by Julie Kenner. i loved her Carpe Demon book so much i thought i’d give one of her romance novels a try. holy smokes. it is porn. i mean, it’s awful. it’s so shitty that i can’t believe that the same person wrote both books. i cannot stress enough how pornographic and unreadable this tripe was. i made it to page 122, and i couldn’t go on. besides it was so totally obvious that the brother was the one killing the people. wait let me check the last page…yes, it was the brother. GAH! you couldn’t even fake me out? YOU SUCK. ALSO? YOU WRITE PORN. DOES YOUR FAMILY KNOW WHAT KIND OF SHITE YOU WRITE? SHAME! trust me, i wouldn’t have had this reaction if her other book hadn’t been great.

– The Friar and the Cipher this was a nonfiction about Robert Bacon. it was so good, but i couldn’t finish it.

– Courage’s Consort this was the book i lost in b’ham. it wasn’t good, but it was short, so i was hoping to finish it.

– another Anita Blake novel. it sucked so bad i can’t even remember which suck-filled book it was. something about a butterfly, maybe?

– The Fran Lebowitz Reader i don’t know why i didn’t finish this one, it is so funny. she is funny.

– Make Love… the Bruce Campbell Way by Bruce Campbell. hm. i love Bruce Campbell, but this book was mostly eh, which is why i didn’t finish it. it was a very creative book though.

do audiobooks count? because i “read” two audiobooks:
Word by Word by Anne Lamott
The Funny Thing is… by Ellen Degeneres
actually, i “read” them both twice because they’re on my iPod and sometimes when i get sick of my music i think, “hey, let’s listen to Anne Lamott talk about writing.”

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12.27.05

Category: dribblings

OT is the best:

and speaking of getting looks, i natty ganned it today by wearing my steel worker/chairman mao cap and got a lot of stares. either they thought i was a celebrity in disguise or i looked really gay.

i took the day off; here’s what i did today:
– had coffee with Mom and Tina at The Grind $3.
– fed Kelly’s cats Yoda and Fergie
– went to Lowe’s. $36.
– raked! leaves! (not all of them, mind. not even most of them, really. just the ones in the gravel and the ones on the sidewalk. which, was a lot of leaves. i haven’t raked the sidewalk at all this year. it looked so bad. now it doesn’t look quite as bad. now? now the street looks bad. an old lady came walking by and said, “you know a big truck is going to come by and blow these leaves back into your yard.” and i said, “yeah, and then you’re going to slip and break your hip, hag.” okay, so maybe i just thought that and didn’t say it out loud.)
– then i left to go run a fistful of errands but had to turn around because i had forgotten my library book. it’s nice to circle the block every now and then. i don’t drive down 12th street very often. oh, and i drove around the WHOLE block with my parking brake on (stupid girl moment). i don’t think that thing works. i mean, shouldn’t it have been apparent that something was wrong?)
– bank (drive thru)
– grocery store $66. (saw Big Head Shane at the drink machines! Priceless.)
– Quiznos $8. (to pick up a sandwich for Popsicle and myself. we split a chicken carbonara. shrooms!)
– RBC library (saw librarian bowling star Dorothea!)
– bank again (lobby) (they forgot to give me back my bank card with the special bank numbers on it. i discovered it missing at the supermarket.)
– home (for lunch)
– dishes!
– swept the floor. again.
– went to GP library. i lost a book (Courage’s Consort…or something like that) in b’ham. you have no idea how humiliated i am for losing one of the library’s books. the only good part is it was a horrible book. it was like The Bell Jar only the lady is already crazy and NO ONE CARES. ESPECIALLY ME. $20. there was a weird girl at the ‘brary who was standing next to me the whole time. i think maybe she thought she knew me at first. but when she figured out that she didn’t know me she STILL hung around me talking about…i don’t know what, i wasn’t listening. i am the magnet, i tell you.
– made marinara sauce for tomorrow’s pasta dinner
– dishes!
– made chicken and rice for tonight’s dinner
– dishes!
– bowling! $5 for two games, that is a great price. especially considering i can’t get to 100.

wow. $138. looks like i gotta go back to work tomorrow.

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12.26.05

Category: dribblings

the pickle family had a good christmas. it started out with church. justin and cindy were in town so we managed to fill up the back row along with flippy and best. talk about a fleegan pew. one of my favorite parts of christmas at church is getting to sing the carols. i know, i’m the only one who likes them, but i don’t care. we only get to sing them once a year okay? and most of them have a jaunty tune, Good Christian Men Rejoice, anyone? (ps: that website sucks.)

next came all the food.

then there was more food.

then it was time for dinner.

after dinner came the party which consisted of more food and booze. Roxy kept sneaking in the door when people would come in and out. how a giant behemoth of a dog can “sneak” in is beyond me. i mean, the girl is huge. everyone was all, “wow, she looks smaller in the pictures.” and she does. but everyone loved her because only evil shrews could hate such a nice dog as Roxy. and i don’t know any evil shrews.

two words: record player.

TATDOW!

two more words: kitchen table.

two other words: red wine.

i was blessed with no hangover. it was like an extra christmas present! yay!

i hope your christmas holiday was awesome too.

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12.20.05

Category: dribblings

i had to go to the bank today, and while i was there i asked the lady if i could order some more checks, and she said yes so i said great and handed her the re-order slip from my checkbook, and she said she’d get that ordered today, and i said thank you so much and oh, would it be okay to have the checks delivered to the bank instead of my house? and she said yes, that would be fine. i said super.

later on i got a phone call from “julie” at the “bank”. and she says that someone already ordered the checks on the 13th and they were being sent to Nottingham Rd (which is my parent’s address) and so she didn’t want to order another box if i only wanted one box of checks because i’d have to pay for both. and so i said what do you mean someone ordered checks on the 13th, and she said that when she went to place the order someone had already done so…last week, so i said well, maybe my parents bought some checks and there’s confusion over the last name or something because i honestly don’t remember ordering checks and that’s not something i’m likely to forget. and she said that no, it’s your account, and i said could you please check again, this is too strange, and she said sure hang on just a second while i look it up again. so she looked it up and said yes, it’s right here you ordered checks off the internet on 12.13….oh…it’s ’04! ha! i’m so sorry! “julie” and i had a good laugh. i was just relieved that i didn’t sleep-errand one night and order me some checks.
because how crazy would that be?
although i wouldn’t mind sleep-erranding my christmas shopping. wouldn’t that be great? it’s all, “hey jaimie, what did you get jimmy for christmas?”
“i have no idea!”
of course when he opens up his gift and it’s a bra, a bag of dog biscuits, and some shampoo….well, that won’t be as cool.
“remember honey, it’s the thought that counts…can i have the bra?”

***

honestly, what is up with this “bowling” thing? this time i played 4 games COMPLETELY SOBER and still, STILL i can’t get 100 points.

in other news: my shoulder, elbow, wrist, and thumb on my right hand are filled with insane pain and have become useless.
at least when you drink you don’t feel the pain. there’s no telling how bad it’s going to be in the morning. crap. and that’s my Painting Arm.

monkey hate bowl.

***

my lips are so chapped that when i put chapstick on them they started burning. “ow! what is this, lava stick or something?! where’s the soothing salve?”

but, not all is stupid and painful, Kaze has been in the fence for over a week! yay! so far we won’t have to kill her. she even stayed in the fence after Crazy Margaret was lighting firecrackers yesterday evening, and throwing them in Lola’s backyard. that is a long-ish and stupid story. but when i first heard the BANG! i thought, oh hell, someone’s murdered Lola. huh.
Kaze is freaky when she’s around firecrackers. she ususally goes berserk and jumps the fence. but not this time. so let’s praise the Lord.

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The One About Cooking Shows

Category: weekleez

The One About Cooking Shows and I’m an idiot.
December 18, 2005

hi kids,

i watched a lot of foodnetwork this morning. like, 3 hour’s worth. i get sucked into what i like to call Jaimie’s Power Hour(s) of Television Cooking. it starts with Ms. Paula Deen, everyone’s favorite southern aunt, yes, i pretend she’s my relative. as in, “oh, i wonder what aunt paula is making today? isn’t she sweet?” and i think what i like most is that her giant dogs are in the kitchen with her, and she talks to them when they start getting restless or make noise. she’s all, “well, hey, dog’s name, how are you?” like she’s genuinely happy to see them, and that just makes you love her more because you can tell she loves her dogs and plus how southern is that, to have your dogs in the kitchen?

she is golden.

next is the glamorous Sandra Lee and her show about almost-homemade foods. i think of her as the Martha Macguyver of cooking. she’s too skinny to be a real chef. but she makes the best nearly homemade things. i don’t know if they are all her ideas or if she’s just the presenter (she is rather glam. she looks like Celine Dion. dad doesn’t like her because of her glamness, “did you see what she was wearing on the Christmas special? you can’t cook in that. just what is she trying to prove?” to his credit, the outfit she had on was very pretty, but not really practical for in the kitchen. if it was me, i’d ice the cakes and then change into my christmas dress.) of some other genius, or perhaps a team of geniuses, but i love her show because it gives me ideas of how to fake delicious things. then she shows you crafty ways to present them, hence the Martha part of the equation.

another reason i love her show is that she always makes a cocktail at the end. like, “here’s what we made today and now i’m going to show you an easy cocktail to make that will really set off the whole sha-bang. Nancy will be here any second so i need to hurry and get the cocktails ready so we can sit and chat and enjoy our drinks!” she seems so urgent about it, and i know it’s ‘cos there’s always less time at the end of the show so she has to hurry to fit it all in, but i always imagine that her friends come over and are all, “San, you outdid yourself on this spread but gotdam, where’s the booze? you promised cocktails. hurry! the cab ride was 10 minutes and i haven’t been that sober since ’86! chop chop!”

i pretend that Sandra is my famous friend with the cooking show. like, “oh, my friend Sandra made the best cake the other day, and the best part? she didn’t even have to BAKE anything! i just love her. she’s so clever.”

Giada De Laurentiis rounds off my trifecta of television cooking with her Everyday Italian show. she is also very pretty, but she isn’t WASPY or skin and bones like Sandra. she makes most of her stuff, it’s actually homemade. the things she makes are awesome. most of it is very simple, as in, there aren’t many ingredients, but sometimes it’s a bit complicated, but she always assures you that yes, it takes a bit of time but you can do it, and for some reason i trust her.

another reason i love the show (as if Italian food isn’t a good enough reason) is the music bits they play while they show her shopping for something or mixing something, or chopping something, or taking something out of the oven and transplanting it to another plate. the music isn’t techno and it’s not jazz, but it’s sorta both…it’s like David Gray. and i love it. it’s calm and yet so refreshing!

here’s the problem with watching these shows back-to-back: i start talking like them. and no, i don’t mean with a strong southern accent. what i mean is, when my shows are over and i manage to turn the TV completely off and start doing actual housework or take a shower or do some laundry…i narrate it. i say that i’m doing it for the cat’s sake, but we all know i’m pretending i have a television audience. besides, the cat already knows how to do laundry.

“okay, so now let’s check on our laundry…remember i had it set on cycle 6, that’s the cold water. some people use hot water but i find that that shrinks my cottons and i don’t like that. but remember, everyone’s washer is different so you use what works best for you…. and yes! the cycle is done so now we’re going to transfer the wet clothes into the dryer. this only takes a couple of seconds. i like to use a fabric softener. so i’ll throw one of those in there. my friend Laura NEVER uses fabric softener. so there you go. a good trick i like to do before i actually run the dryer is to check the lint trap before each use. i suppose that it’s kind of anal retentive to do that, but it’s just a good habit. especially, if you dry big loads like i do. i’m just going to set it on the “energy saver” mode and hit start and…there…they’re starting to dry. you can hear the tumble….and apparently i had some spare change in one of the pockets…that’s okay, we can get it out when the cycle is over, just be careful because the metal coins will be hotter than lava. that’s because metals are a good conductor of heat. we’ll check back on this load in about 35 to 40 minutes. now would be a good time for a cocktail.”

“okay next… we’re going to style my hair. i use the term “style” very loosely because the truth is i really have no idea what i’m doing… since i have very short hair i usually start with my hair a little damp from my shower. not soaking mind, but damp enough so the hair will do what i tell it to. i’ve notice that when my hair is dry it’s impossible to work with as it sticks straight out and i have a dry, unmanageable ‘fro. so with my hair a bit damp… i squeeze a dollop of whatever this is…it’s a white paste-y substance called “styling sauce” it’s not a gel, some people like to use gel for a more stiff hold, but i’ve sort of outgrown the stiff hold and i’ve graduated to this paste shit, which is a softer hold. so i put it in my hand and i rub my hands together like this…not unlike washing my hands…and then i run my hands all over my hair. this is to coat my hair with the sauce. then i swoop the front like so…okay, so maybe it’s not a drastic swoop, but…then i spike the back…to give the hair some definition and variety. if i had some sort of spray, like hair spray or a spray gel, i would use it at this time to keep the hold, but i can never remember to buy that shit. i have no idea why. one thing i have noticed is the longer my hair gets, the more hair product i have to use to get it to do right. and i HATE having all that stuff in my hair, so i like to keep my hair very short because it’s so easy to deal with and it feels better when i don’t have to put so much goop on it. now that we’ve finished this, i’m going to finish getting dressed and then…cocktails!”

“now, we’re going to go pick up my father, Popsicle, at his house because we’re going to go to the grocery store together. we don’t get to do this very often, but when we do it’s a riot. i recommend that everyone, at least once, go to the store with my father. there’s no one better who will talk in silly voices and help you make fun of the other people in the store. i like to take South 11th Street… all the way to the Black Creek Parkway…now we’re going to turn right on Sutton Bridge Road and take it all the way to Rainbow Drive. of course, we could’ve gone down Walnut to 3rd Street and then gotten on Rainbow Drive, but i don’t like doing that because it invloves lots more traffic and red lights. i’m not sure if taking back roads is any shorter, but it’s a lot less stressful! and let’s face it, we could all do with less stress, huh? after we hit the grocery store we’re going to then go to our favorite store in the world…the liquor store. and after we unload our groceries it’ll be time for…you guessed it, a cocktail!”

“wellm, i hope youuu’ve hadve as good ofa time asm i have! rememeber, we did the lllaudry, gotr ready, and toopk dad to the strore. adn we shtill had times for rcocktailsm! i rool forlard to seeling yuo next tim e wehns we wash the jeeps, mkae the bed, adn sweelp the flors! ta!”

next epitomb: pork AND beans!

jaimie “cooking with gas, constantly” pickle
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12.15.05

Category: dribblings

i saw Narnia this evening. i think i may have a bit of the PMS (full moon and all) because let me tell you what, sisters, i cried like a baby. i cried so much, that my hankie (i tend to carry a clean one in my pocket, in case of emergencies like, you know how when you smell the shampoos at the store? and sometimes one kind of burps in your face and you get goop all over? well, in just such an occasion a hankie is very handy.) was soaked by the time i shamefully put it back in my pocket as the house lights came on.

every time i’d just get myself under control something else would happen and the waterworks would start over again.

***

i made this for mom for her birthday. everyone loved it. thank you, Paula Deen, for existing.

***

after work i ran to the bank and then i hit the used book store. a man tried to give me a sackful of books but i didn’t want them because they were romance books, and i don’t read those. and he says, “but they’re free, are you sure?”
and i wanted to say, “oh well, i don’t read very much.” but that’s a lie. why else would i be at a book store if i didn’t read? so i said, “well, i don’t read romance novels. but thank you for the offer.”
he looked at my purchase and looked back at me and was all, “okay then.”

i was buying a romance book.

it’s not what you think.
y’see, i enjoyed Julie Kenner’s Carpe Demon so much i wanted to read another one of her books and the only one the store had was a bollicky romance story. in fact, ALL OF HER OTHER BOOKS are romance stories, with bodice-ripping covers.. this is disappointing to me.

normally when i buy something cheesy, i try to temper it by buying something good, like a literature book or something. however. it seems that every time i go to a book store, library, or Blockbuster Video i am hit with the sudden and urgent need to poop. or as some folks say, do a Bad Job. this was no exception. so i had no time to browse.

i also went to the liquor store and then went to mom and dad’s house where dad and i did a few shots of various liquors (one of which was Jager, and my goodness, you might as well call it NyQuil. in fact, i think i’m going to start keeping my NyQuil in the fridge. it’s better cold.) then we finished off the binge with a round or two of irish coffee. i like how the two liquor sites ask if you’re over 21. what is the point? Carolan’s is cheaper and better than Bailey’s. so so yourself a favor and “save a buck or two”. just a little tip from Auntie Jaimie.
remember: please drink with ‘sponsitility. braaaap.

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12.14.05

Category: dribblings

while visiting my grandpa, we went to a greek community nearby. it’s called Tarpon Springs. you might have heard of it. i think it’s a popular tourist trap. it’s mostly greek and the people who live there and run the shops and restaurants speak a mix of greek and english that i’m calling greenglish. they are pretty rude. especially by southern standards. i guess i should say that last time we went they were rude, this time they weren’t so bad.

after eating greek cuisine we went to the Sponge Exchange which is a huge group of shops in a nice plaza area. this is where mom and i proceeded to use the bathroom several hundred times. greek food = sore butt. it was worth it though. the souvlaki i had was delicious.
the bathroom was weird because there was this tiny, ugly (burn victim?) greek woman who was sitting in there and she would clean the toilet seat everytime someone got out of the stall and there was a tip jar on the counter. but like, it’s a public restroom. so i mean, what the hell? she was weird. i pretended she was putting curses on all of us. she probably was cursing mom and i.

the second or third time we went to the bathroom, and do you know how funny it is when you’re taking a gaseous crap with your mom in the next stall who is ALSO TAKING A GASEOUS CRAP?! it’s hilarious. anyway, two ladies come in while mom and i are killing the toilets and one says, “is jaimie pickle in here?”
what?! did they just-

so i finish my Bad Job and i come out of the stall and i look at the two ladies and…i don’t know them from adam’s house cat. but i make eye contact to see if they say anything, but they don’t.
so i leave and eventually mom comes out and we go back out to the shops to find dad, justin, and cindy.
while we’re walking mom says, “hey, i could’ve sworn one of those ladies had asked if jaimie pickle was in there.”
“oh me too! but i didn’t recognize them.”
“me neither. but it sounded just like that.”
“i know! i could kick myself for not asking them what they said. but also i was afraid that they were speaking greek and whatever they said just sounded like jaimie pickle.”

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12.13.05

Category: dribblings

yesterday was mom’s birthday. debbie t. gave mom one of those 20Q games. i don’t know if you’ve seen one or played with one, but if you haven’t, you should know, that shit is evil. at one point, after it had guessed the word snowman, after asking questions that had NOTHING to do with snowmen, we stopped wanting to play. but you can’t stop playing.
because maybe it won’t guess the next word.
but it will.
and then kelly started to cry and she went home. shaking.
Popsicle started to refer to it as The Orb, as in, “jaimie, please. please take The Orb home with you so it won’t be in our house.”
we became paranoid. and we started not speaking the word aloud, so The Orb wouldn’t hear us. we would write down the word. and then, after more paranoia (“you guys, that truck’s been parked out there a long time, you think it’s got spy cams peeking at the paper?”
“well, we know it has microphones, it stands to reason it’s got spy cams rigged on our house.”
“put The Orb in another room while we decide what the word will be.”
“good idea!”) we finally laughed it off.
although, nobody turned their back on The Orb.

dad called debbie:
popsicle: debbie? this thing you bought laura? it’s crazy.
debbie: i know! we’re playing with ours right now too! ian picked Jesus as the word and it guessed angel! how weird is that?!
p: um well, we actually picked angel and it guessed…angel! how?! it didn’t ask a single question that had to do with angels!!!
debbie: i know! it’s weird! i…don’t think it’s evil?

anyway, that thing is crackazy. we should play!

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12.12.05

Category: dribblings

sorry for lack of updates. i’ve been out of town all weekend. in The Land Of Flowers. some call it Florida, Stewie calls it “God’s waiting room”. the fam was visiting my grandpa and my step-grandma? is there a better word for this? please?
he just got out of the hospital last week, and he’s doing great. it was really great to see him. i got to see him last year, but my brother hadn’t seen him in 3 or 4 years. is it weird to go long without seeing your grandparents? if they’re alive, i mean.
my grandparents have always lived at least (at LEAST) 10 hours away. and it’s expensive to fly a family of four. and also, i don’t fly. so we don’t see them very often. when we were kids, our summer vacation was basically visiting grandparents. in june we’d go to Akron and in August/September we’d go to Tampa.

and then we’d get to see them sometimes if they were driving from Tampa to Akron, they would stop for a day or two on the way since we’re a good midpoint. you know how those snowbirds migrate in the summer so the tourists can come and eat oranges and get skin cancer.

when i got home Mr. Fleegan had put an electric fence up to keep Kaze in. so far so good. also when i got home the dryer hose had ripped and i didn’t realize it until i went into the laundry room and was all, “wow, it’s humid in here. shit.” luckily jimmy was here and used his “strong hand” (hee, kelly) to move the dryer and then he duct taped it back with my girlie purple duct tape for a quick fix until i can go buy a new hose.

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