1.24.06

Category: dribblings

you won’t believe this. and hell, i don’t blame you for not believing this, but since i live it, i know it’s true.i was talking with dad this morning (he helped me do the Leather Wall. which, by the way, SHOULD be what the blog is about today. but no. THIS is.) and i told him how Hobo John had kinda freaked out on me yesterday. so he says, “that guy sounds like a weirdo. you should check out that website Tinley told us about.”
he was refering to

www.familywatchdog.us which is a site that lets you locate local sex offenders.
“oh dad,” i said, “sure he’s weird, but he really seems kinda harmless in a simpleton kind of way. total Lenny.”
“well, i don’t like him coming around your house like that.”
“yeah, i guess he’s usually walking to his house. he told me he lives on Peachtree….oh shit. Tinley told me that she went to that site and said that there was a sex offender living on Peachtree!”
“you’re kidding me!”
“no i’m not. let’s go to my house at lunch and check out that site.”
so we get to the house and look up Gadsden and i swear, the first green dot i click…”oh no…oh hell.”
“is that Hobo John?!”
sigh. “yes. shit.”so what i thought was just an

oogy retard crush has turned into something a little more worrisome. on the one hand, he only comes around about once a month and he’s never tried to touch me or anything. on the other, more sinister hand, each time he comes around it’s gotten progressively more weird (see yesterday’s post).and just what is up with this anyway? did i move to Crazyville? i feel like i’m the only normal person in the ‘hood. am i mayor of Crazyville? i don’t know. i don’t know. but what i do know is that i’m actually considering getting a gun. ME! a gun! no! i don’t want a gun! i don’t want to feel safe because i have a gun! i want to feel safe because i’m safe. does that make sense? am i asking too much? “more than a lot?” (hee, for you, liz.)

anyway, i don’t actually know what to do about it. i guess next time he pops up i gotta tell him to go away, but honestly, he’s only ever popped up when i’m all alone and if you think for one second that i’m going to tell a slightly volatile retard pervert (i am so PC) who has a weird crush on me to go away and never come near me again, well, you are sorely mistaken, i am a total coward. and i do not want to say anything that’s going to set him off.
my bad, i know. but he’s giagantic and it wouldn’t take much for him to be all, “hobo john, smash!” yuck, the Incredible Lenny. “tell me about the rabbits, george, or i’ll get angry. and you wouldn’t like me when i’m angry.”

i’m probably being a big baby drama queen about the whole thing, right?
right?

ugh, we need something to cheer this blog up. hey look!

try not to think about goddamn perverts living down the street!

aw, pandas. pandas will take away these blah feelings of worry and unsafeness! aw, and look at these wittle guys.

these little guys will keep you from thinking that the pervert lives two blocks from the local high school. fuck. 

 

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1.23.06

Category: dribblings

have i told you guys about Hobo John? i don’t think i’ve mentioned him on here before. i met Hobo John a couple of months ago. he was walking by my house and he stopped and talked to me for a bit. he’s been by a couple more times and from what i can gather he lives a couple blocks down the street. the first time i met him he seemed kinda sweet and harmless. the next time was a bit creepy. the time after that was creepier. he asked personal questions like, “do you live here alone?”
why i didn’t lie and say, “no, i’m married to a giant muscle man and a bull dyke,” i’ll never know. that would’ve chased him away for sure. today? well, today he was creepiest. but in that sweet way.

i know, you’re thinking, “what? creepy in a sweet way? is he goth?”

no, he’s not goth. he’s just…slow? ish? he’s simple i guess. but also? he’s 7 feet tall and could probably kill me with his bare hands.
and see, that’s what bothers me. he DEFINITELY puts off that Lenny vibe. he seems sweet and childlike and innocent and completely capable of accidently killing me while trying to touch my hair.
por exemplo: this evening i was outside cutting up a huge box and putting it in the garbage can because tonight is GARBAGE NIGHT. woot! and here comes Hobo John. he stops and says, “hi, jaimie.” and so i say, “hi, john.” because i totally would not call him Hobo John to his face. in fact, he looks nothing like a hobo. he looks exactly like a lumberjack. but Lumberjack John is a ridiculous nickname.
like Hobo John isn’t?

anyway, i didn’t feel too vulnerable this time because i had a knife in my hand. last time he came around it was dark out and i’m an idiot for talking to him in the first place but i just can’t be mean to people, okay? so yeah, last time it was weird and i thought, “wow, so this is how i die, huh? Hobo John wants to pet my dogs (he loves the dogs. and i know i shouldn’t let him pet the dogs because he’ll probably end up smothering them, but anyway, you try telling a giant no.) and he’s going to accidently snap my neck like a twig. great.”
obviously that didn’t happen. and i lived to tell another Hobo John Tale, which i would finish telling you about if i could quit interrupting myself.

so then he asks, “do you still have a boyfriend?”
“yes, john, i do.”
and then he, and i swear, he yelled, “DANG IT!”
i was a bit startled. but i continued to cut up the box as if nothing amazingly insane was going on. he was quiet for a bit and then said, “if it weren’t for bad luck i’d have no luck at all.”
no shit. he said that. what, exactly, are you supposed to do in situations like this? you want to know what i did?
i tried to contact Mr. Fleegan through telekinesis. jimmy? jimmy, can you hear me? jimmy come home! Hobo John is about to kill me and IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT! jimmy? jimmy! if i live through this we are SO PRACTICING telekinesis when you get home! you hear me?!

Hobo John then asked me a few creepy questions about my electric fence (how best to breech it. what?!) and then he said, “well, if things don’t work out… i’ll be around.”
what. great. that’s what i need. my very own lenny.
perfect. “tell me about the rabbits, jaimie.”

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1.16.06

Category: dribblings

i can’t shake this stomach thing. it also comes with an awesome headache. and i’ve run out of tylenol and advil. tomorrow i shall make a purchase.
i’ve had a hard time focusing on simple tasks. it’s embarassing ‘cos i keep doing stupid things in front of people. por exemplo: i was going to warm up some soup. so i put it in a bowl and was going ot put it in the microwave and instead i opened up the ‘fridge and started to put my soup in it and i stopped ‘cos i was all, “wait, this isn’t right…” and mom saw me.

i had a run-in with Crazy Margaret today and i wanted to push her into traffic just so i could get away from her. as soon as i walked out the door she says, “jaimie! jaimie! your dogs are barking at me ‘cos they smell the pigeon blood!”
i can’t take this first thing in the morning. “what.”
“there was a dead pigeon in the road a cat must’ve gotten it so i threw it away over there and i guess your dogs are barking at me ‘cos they can smell the blood.”
“margaret, they’re barking at you because you’re at the fence and you keep barking at them.”
“no! they can smell the blood yesterday there was a dead rat in the road and they kept barking at it because they wanted it but i threw is over in that yard it’s over there.”
“okay,” i said as i got in my car to go to work. she started walking down the sidewalk so i figured she got the hint and was leaving. as i start to pull up she’s right there at the side of my car! (!!!) and she’s holding up the dead rat for me to see! “gahh! margaret! put that thing down!”
“well, at least i didn’t put in the fence with the dogs.”
“do NOT put dead animals in my yard, margaret.” i finally managed to pull out of the driveway.

God bless margaret. bless her far from my house.

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1.12.06

Category: dribblings

there was a wine tasting event at The Grind this evening. LBC and i went to support our friend scotty. who was putting on the Wine Show and because…free wine.
hells yeah. (or is it hell’s yeah?)
the wines were dessert wines. so most of them were too sweet to really say, “hey, i could drink a whole glass of that!” no. but it sure was fun to taste them all.
i left the tasting with heartburn, a headache, and two bottles.

last night i heard gun shots. yay. at first i was all, “was that a gun?” and then i was all, “i’ll go outside and see what’s going on.” this is the part where a normal person would have said, “maybe you should call the police instead of going outside.”
i went outside and BLAM BLAM BLAM! i ran back inside. guns are so loud. it was coming from 6th ave but the other 6th ave, not my 6th ave. my side is filled with crazies and old people. the other side is filled with…get this…hillbillies. i heard them talking today, these two old hillbillies, and they were listening to some kind of ancient AM gospel country station.

has anyone else watched any of the Country Boys thing on PBS this week? dad was all, “oh my gosh! it’s like the squidbillies only real.” he’s right

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The One About Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood

Category: weekleez

 

The One About Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood.
January 09, 2006

hi kids,

the other day laura and i were talking about how i remember things about cartoons from childhood and how she can remember everything else. she says that she’s certain that she watched Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood, but she can’t remember a thing about them other than puppets were involved.
and counting, obviously.

so i said well what about the Neighborhood of Make-Believe? that’s all i really remember about Mr. Rogers. and she said that she remembers that Mr. Rogers comes in and takes his shoes off and there’s a train.
it’s a trolley, laura.
oh. right. trolley.
geez.

so i asked laura, “don’t you remember King Friday and Queen Sara and Henrietta Pussycat? all, ‘meow meow beautiful meow meow.’?” and she said no, but now that i had mentioned it she could kinda picture a king puppet. i continued my tirade of Make-Believe memories, “OH! but what about the HORRIBLE most SCARY most AWFUL one of all! Lady Elaine Fairchild! WHAT THE HELL WAS HER CHARACTER ABOUT ANYWAY?!”

“who?”

“oh you HAVE to remember her! she was psycho! she lived in the merry-go-round building?! she was weird and hateful and oh! what was it she would say? YEAH! she would throw a boomerang and yell, “boomarang toomarang!” but i can’t remember why. why?! why a boomerang?!”

“yeah, no. this is not ringing any bells.”

well, i’m not crazy and here’s proof.

Exhibit A: What’s the deal with the Boomerang, anyway?

why can’t i find a decent picture of the actual puppet? because the hands in that drawing are NOTHING like her scary, wooden, puppet hands with the red finger nails. also, if you want to freak yourself out, click on her and go to that website and click the little speaker thing. go ahead, listen to her. if you dare.


that’s the best i could find?! but EW! she’s so creepy! oh wow, she reminds me of that gross puppet that was on Hollywood Squares a lot:

and don’t you wish i hadn’t brought that memory up?
she is freaking me out.

i think i remember things about the Neighborhood of Make-Believe because it was so strange to me. even back then i realized that hey, why are some of them puppets and others are actual human people? i mean, don’t they realize that they’re talking to puppets? and that that’s the reason that they’re so small?

look, i wasn’t a genius at age 6, i was close, mind, but not quite a genius, and even my 6 year old brain would scream in outrage, “what the-? “correct as usual, King Friday” my foot! You don’t have to take that, Lady Aberlin! Your uncle, King Friday, is being an unreasonable DICTATOR! And you’re BIGGER than he is! Just snap his wooden head off. AND DO IT NOW! QUICK! BEFORE THE TROLLEY COMES BACK!”

Exhibit B: The Trolley controls the vertical and the horizontal


He’s not smiling. He’s wincing in pain.
The TrolleyGod just cut him in half.

because everyone, everyone, knew that the Trolley was the God of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe. You couldn’t get to the NoM-B without the Trolley, and you sure as shit couldn’t leave the NoM-B without the Trolley.

Daniel Striped Tiger looked nothing like a tiger and was the timid cat that i thought was the bomb ‘cos he HAD A WATCH. yes, a wrist-watch. and back then, that totally did it for me. i was enamored with watches. he lived in a clock…that had no hands! what kind of neighborhood is this, anyway?

Exhibit C: Clock with no hands

Daniel was so shy it was PAINFUL to watch him interact with other people and puppets. it made you want to scream, “Look, Fred, could you PLEASE leave Daniel alone and go check out the blue owl in the tree?! LEAVE HIM ALONE! CAN’T YOU SEE HE’S ABOUT TO PISS HIMSELF! he SHAKES when he talks to you!”

But as i think back on it, i’m sure Daniel’s probably the one that, in real life, would have gotten so fed up with the Make-Believe lifestyle that he would have taken down the whole neighborhood with a russian assault rifle from the top of his grandfather clocktower all, “IT’S ALL A LIE! OUR LIVES AREN’T REAL! I’M FINALLY FREE! IT’S SUCH A GOOD FEELING! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! GUESS WHO WON’T BE BACK, BITCHES!”

and i’m not sure if Henrietta Pussycat was mentally challenged or just dumb. “what? meow meow telephone, what? what are you saying Henrietta?! just talk dammit!” no one ever lost patience with her. HOW CAN THIS BE?

the blue owl in the tree? i can’t remember his name, but i know he lived next door to Henrietta. he probably hated to see her coming. “oh hell, here comes meow meow Henrietta meow meow. this is bullshit! i’ve gotta move soon.”

but the Royal Family was the most confusing of all. first, there was King Friday, a pompous windbag. his wife was Queen Sara and she was vanilla. Then there was their son, Prince Tuesday or Thursday, i can’t remember. but the king’s niece? Lady Aberlin? she was human. why? how? was Friday’s brother or sister human? or did they marry a human? is that sort of inter-species relationship allowed? it certainly wasn’t talked about, of course, neither was the Mog. Bob the Dog was this dude dressed up like a dog that would go, “bow wow rooo.” but you could see his man face.

Exhibit D: The Mog

this guy’s job just screams alcoholism.

in fact, i called my brother and asked him what he remembered about the NoM-B and the first thing he said was, “what about the dude that was dressed up like a dog? shouldn’t he have been some kind of puppet too?”

yes, thank you. borrow the Barkley suit from Sesame Street and go from there.

i do remember that the prince went to school with the ugly platypus girl who lived in a giant dirt mound filled with holes.

Exhibit E: sweet jesus! that’s the ugliest puppet ever!

did she have a flesh-eating disease?

i also remember that a cow was the teacher, but other than that, i’m at a total loss at what grade they were in or even where the school was.
and i know there was a mole/chipmunk type thing that lived in a factory next to the king’s castle. i want to say his name is Cornflake, but i’m thinking that’s not right.

anyway, the Neighborhood of Make-Believe is stuck in my brain and will probably never leave. which is a shame ‘cos i could probably use the brain space to store actual knowledge like spelling and grammar. trust me, spelling and grammar are tons more useful than “boomerang toomerang!”

next epitomb: i can’t get that Madame puppet out of my head.

jaimie “PBS Whore” pickle
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1.09.06

Category: dribblings

popsicle and i had lunch with LBC and the cakehole.
then in the evening Mr. Fleegan and i went to a movie and the only people in the theater were FA and SyKo. it was Friend Day!

wow, was this not the name-dropping blog or what?

i ordered the first 2 FullMetal Alchemist DVDs. got them on half.com for HALF PRICE, BABY! FYE wanted $30 for each. forget it. i can’t justify spending $60 on anime. i don’t even like spending $60 on good tennis shoes. which is why i buy the cheap ones at k-mart.
spendthrift!

OT keeps using the term time-burgular. and i love it. because we all know those people. Crazy Margaret is a time-burgular.

this morning started out with me trying to lift and move a railroad tie. so basically, the very first thing i did today hurt me. i hurt my back and smashed my hand. and one point, i have half the tie on the other tie (i was trying to stack them) and i look up, my face a nice purple-red, and Kaze is STANDING on the tie. i grunt out, “git yer ass off.” she licked my purple face. “this is not a game. we’re not playing! i hate you.”
i’m sure the people in the office building across the street were laughing themselves silly, “hey! come look at what The Idiot is trying to do today!”

the weather is insane. i mean, i like the nice weather, but nothing good can come from it. it’s just not normal to wear shorts in january. i live in alabama, not cuba. we’re being set up for a blizzard aren’t we?

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1.08.06

Category: dribblings

i’ve been telling my friends about this crazy cartoon that comes on in the mornings (i wake up to it on my tv) called Yoko, Jakamoko, Toto! it’s psychotic because they don’t use real words. they just say their names a lot and laugh. like, the other morning, i woke up to one of them saying, “TIPPY TIPPY TOTO! TIPPY TIPPY TOTO!” OVER AND OVER. you can kind of get an idea of it by listening to the theme song. this song is way longer than the one they use to start the show, but the first 50 seconds or so are the same as the cartoon.

for reasons i cannot explain…i find myself watching the cartoon.
and laughing.

it’s like BooBah except since it’s a cartoon it’s not nearly as creepy.

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1.05.06

Category: dribblings

i went to the St. Luke’s meeting today. it was good to see some of the regulars and good to meet the people i had never met before. except for this one lady. i don’t know her name and i’ve never seen her before but when i saw her i thought, “who is she? i know her. i don’t like her. who is she?” and then i thought, “jaimie, you don’t even know her. give her the benefit of the doubt.” and then when she prayed out loud i thought, “nope, i don’t like her.” and then, “jaimie! stop being mean! you should be concentrating on praying! for crying out loud, who do you think you are anyway? at least she can pray out loud, which is more than i can say for you. you suck. now quit thinking and start praying!”

and then after the thing was over she came up and said something really fucking stupid (in my opinion, of course.) to someone, and i thought, “wow. i really don’t like her. and, i don’t think i have to.”
geez, it’s just like me to go to a “prayer meetin'” and start hating. and like i say, i don’t even know the lady. but chances are, you wouldn’t like her either.
see! i shouldn’t say things like that!

the best part though, was that mike bynum was the speaker. and he did a terrific job. and let me tell ya, that’s not an easy crowd to work with. well, to me it wouldn’t be. i look at all the people in the room and think, “how did we get here?” honestly, we have nothing in common except Jesus. and what’s weird is, that’s all it takes, it actually works. how about that? mikeb can work a crowd, he’s laidback and really funny. but what’s so great is God works through him. every time i hear him speak he always says something that blows me away. and it’s always something so simple. it’s not some grandiose explanatory mumbo-jumbo. it’s the simplest thing. and it’s good and true. and he loves people. he actually LOVES people. and that is so amazing to me. God is amazing. thank you, God, for Mike Bynum. and thank you, Mike Bynum for doing what you do.

i hope that one day i’ll love people too. i really mean that.

after the speaking came the praying. and the Old Guy says, “how about someone who hasn’t annointed anyone with oil before come up and do it.” and i thought, “oh hell, that’s probably me. i’m the only one who’s new. shit. piss. no!”
so i got up and did it and i was going to pray something out loud, but i couldn’t because i’m an idiot and i’m terrified of speaking out loud in those situations. do you want to know why? i’m afraid i’ll speak in tongues. how dumb is that? honestly. ‘cos in my head? i was praying for things. i was thinking prayer thoughts (this was before i was hating on that lady.) and i wanted to say, “you know, i’m praying for you. i’m asking for healing and blessings and peace. i just don’t want to say it out loud ‘cos i’m afraid it will sound like, ALALABAHPALALALAKAMALABALA! anyway, peace.“

and you might ask yourself, gosh, would it be so bad to speak in tongues? is it worth it to lessen your prayer life because of a fear? a fear of something that’s never happened to you before? are you just being lazy? do you really think you’d speak in tongues?
yes! no. shut up. no! i wouldn’t put it past God.

but i’m looking at it this way, i give myself points for going up there and doing the oil thing especially on a stranger!

i will have a dream tonight about my teeth falling out.

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1.02.06

Category: dribblings

TODAY. FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME. IN MY LIFE. I. JAIMIE PICKLE. SHOT. A. GUN.

wow. i should have made that one of my goals and then i’d be all, “hell, it’s only been two days and i’ve already scratched a goal of my 2006 list. TATDOW!”

Dante called and asked what i was doing today and i said nothing and he asked if i wanted to go with him and shoot guns and i said well i dunno i mean i’m scared of guns and okay sure. it was a REAL GUN! with REAL BULLETS! and REAL SOUND! it was a .22 revolver and it looked like a COWBOY GUN! i know! a revolver! as in, Colonel Mustard in the Billiard Room with the revolver!

to Gun People a .22 revolver is probably = to a sissy gun. but the thing you must remember is Gun People are weird.

anyway Dante taught me how to load it and unload it and cock the hammer and it was dual and single er…dual and single something. like one you just pull the trigger and the other you pulled the hammer back and then hit the trigger. cocking the hammer and then pulling the trigger is much easier than just the trigger. anyway, whatever. i shot a gun.

oh! and i hit the target! like, most of the time! i even hit the bullseye too. and also Dante said i had a good grouping! i should take a picture of one of my targets so you can see my grouping!

then when we were done with the shooting we went back to his house and Florrie made the best dinner in the world. i think she makes the best food because she loves the people she feeds. you should totally go over to their house for dinner some time. you won’t be disappointed.

i spent over 8 hours with the nooges today. what a crazy fun gun day!
whoa, but why was it 80 degrees outside?
IT’S THE END TIMES. SWEATING IN JANUARY AND JAIMIE SHOT A GUN.

***

so far, i’ve had two of the weirdest dreams ever. yesterday’s was in 4 parts. i played 4 different people in 4 different senarios. the common denominator? i was chased by 4 different things. lots of running. i was tired when i woke up and my arms were numb. yay!

today’s dream was crazier. it took place during the u.s. civil war. we were there. the dudes were soldiers. i don’t think i could type it out in 4,000 words or less. just know that i woke up all, “what the? did i fall asleep watching a war movie?”

***

my 5 favorite books that i read last year:
1. Pascal’s Wager by Nancy Rue
2. Fast Food Nation: The Dark Side of the All-American Meal by Eric Schlosser
3. The Keeners by Maura D. Shaw
4. A Complicated Kindness by Miriam Toews

uh, i guess i only had 4 favorites.

i guess i’m going to try to read 50 books this year. i was thinking of cutting the number down to 30. but since i didn’t make it to 50 last year i feel like i should try it again. liz gave me 3 books for christmas so i’m totally set. it’ll be easy. sha right. i noticed looking back on what i read last year that i read a lot of crap in the form of kay hooper novels. i’ll try to fix that this year. well, i say that… and the book i just finished is a novel based on the cartoon FullMetal Alchemist. so there you go. the spirit is willing but the brain is weak. what? i read a book based on Anime? who am i and what have i done with the real jaimie?

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2005 50 Books II

Category: 50 Books

As you can see, i didn’t make my goal of reading 50 books in one year. It was a lot harder than i thought it would be and let me tell you why. First, i found that i have trouble finishing books especially if i start reading a better book. So at any time i’ll be reading 3 or 4 (and sometimes more) books at the same time but i’ll only finish half of them. i also do this with tv channels. i’m a channel flipper. i flip. even if i’m watching something i like, i’ll still flip just to know what’s on the other channels. i have Entertainment A.D.D. and i’m sure it annoys the hell out of Jimmy when i have control of the clicker.

The second reason this was so hard is that it’s really difficult for me to enjoy the books fully while reading them because i was trying so hard just to finish them so’s i could add them to the list and not run across another book first and then not finish the first book. If i hadn’t written a little blurb about each book i bet i wouldn’t be able to tell you anything at all about more than half the books i read.

The third reason this was harder than i thought it woud be is that reading takes time. And i’m thinking that the only reason i was able to get as far as i did is that since i work for myself i was able to give myself more time to read than if i had to work a regular 9 to 5 job.
“Why were you late again, Jaimie?”
“Well boss, i was reading and i just lost track of time. Sorry, chief.”
But the good thing is now that i get up in the morning and read my book du jour while having coffee…i’m not watching Valley of the Dolls or whatever other goofy movie on AMC’s Morning Movie anymore. i swear, i have seen VotD and Suddenly Last Summer like, 5 times each just because i would turn the TV on in the mornings. So books are keeping me from rotting my brain out.

The fourth thing i learned is that re-reading a book i love takes me forever because i already know what happens. i have no discipline when it comes to this. i started to re-read like, 10 books i LOVE, but i didn’t finish them. Beowulf, anyone? and i LOVE THAT STORY TO PIECES. But i couldn’t finish it. Poop, and again, poop. So there you have it. Reading 50 books in a year is difficult, especially when you have Book A.D.D.

44. Carpe Demon: Adventures of a Demon-hunting Soccer Mom by Julie Kenner.
This book was hilarious. The characters were so funny. The main character, Kate, is a retired demon-hunter, but now she’s a stay-at-home mom, and her family, husband and two kids, have no idea that she used to kill demons for the Vatican. She has to come out of retirement because demons are in her town again, and manage to keep it a secret from her fam.

I know this isn’t exactly challenging reading, but neither is Harry Potter and I think if you go back and see the tripe I’ve read this year you’ll see that I’m not exactly Harold Bloom here, and let’s thank God for that.

I was glad that the character didn’t go on and on about what she was wearing (or what color the nike swoosh was for the love. and she didn’t whore around. take that, anita blake.) and guns…she never used a gun. in fact, she never actually had a weapon. Her old gear was in the back of the shed and she was too lazy/busy to get it out. To me, that’s hilarious. So she ended up using things around the house or whatever she could find to kill the demons.

You should read this book. It only took like, 3 hours.

43. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by J.K. Rowling
So far I’ve liked this one best. It is, however, a TON different than the movie. And I know it’s heresy to say, but I think the movie was better, mostly. The book, and let’s face it, honestly, it was too long. The thing with Hermione and the house elves? Yeah, that should have been edited out of the book too. It went nowhere, and I don’t know, maybe that picks up in the 5th book? If it does, I still don’t think it matters.

Also there were too many characters in the book. Bagman? Crouch? Fudge? These characters should not have been in the book much. I can understand Crouch more than the others, but honestly, Fudge and Bagman? They should be barely mentioned or left out completely.

The first 100 pages all about the Quidditch World Cup? KILL ME. And I actually LIKE SPORTS. Talk about dead horse beatings.

But like I say, it’s my favorite book so far. I think part of it is ‘cos the kids cuss more. hee.
See the movie.

42. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban by J.K. Rowling
Book 3 of the Harry Potter series. This movie is the one where I can remember very little of it, and now that I’ve read the book I have managed to forget it even more. This is the one where Sirius Black escapes from Azkaban. The only thing that really sticks out of my mind about this episode was that the dementors and the nasgul (spanish?) from LotR were very similar.

Once again Harry saves the day. Without the help of anyone. Because it’s a formula now.
It gets two Jose Cansecos for being the same book as number one and two. and WHAT is up with these British writers?! (looking at you too, lemony snicket) I mean, Harry nearly gets to not live with the Dursleys but at the last minutes it’s all, “Sorry Harry! But all the adults who know you are basically ineffectual and have no control over say, ANYTHING, and therefore they must knowingly send you back to live in the house with the family who abuses you. Buck up, Harry, it’s only for 2 months!”

41. A Complicated Kindness by Miriam Toews

Kelly Fish! You would like this book!

This is a novel but it’s written kinda like a memoir, only not exactly. The narrator flashesback a lot. It’s a story about a Mennonite teen named Nomi, and she hates her life, but loves her family. She’s really snarky and sarcastic. The book is pretty hilarious, but it’s also very sad. The mom and the older sister end up leaving the village (it’s in Canada). They were actually excommunicated. So it’s just Nomi and her dad. I think the story takes place in the early ’80s. And to hear her describe the Mennonite stuff is so hilarious.
You should read this book.

This book was really great and pretty short (246 pages). Here’s a quote to show you how hilarious the whole thing is:

“We’re Mennonites. As far as I know, we are the most embarrassing sub-sect of people to belong to if you’re a teenager. Five hundred years ago in Europe a man called Menno Simons set off to do his own peculiar religious thing…Imagine the least well-adjusted kid in your school starting a breakaway clique of people whose manifesto includes a ban on the media, dancing, smoking, temperate climates, movies, drinking, rock’n’roll, having sex for fun, swimming, make-up, jewelry, playing pool, going to cities, or staying up past nine o’clock. That was Menno all over. Thanks a lot, Menno.”

See? The whole book is like that. But also, the whole book is like that. So it’s kind of redundant. But I didn’t mind because I like the sarcasm. Oh, and there’s dialogue, but no quotation marks. YES!

I enjoyed this one just as much as I did The Keeners so it gets 0 Jose Cansecos!

40. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets by J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter is one of those things that you cannot talk about because some people haven’t read the books or seen the movies, and so if you talk about it they get pissed because you’ve ruined it for them. Well, this book and movie have both been out for years and if you haven’t read it or seen it by now then you are a filthy muggle. Or a dirty gypsy. I can totally see how a gypsy wouldn’t have time to read.

While reading this book I kept remembering the movie so I suppose the book and the movie were really very close and the crazy movie people didn’t change anything or ruin anything. The only weird thing was this is the 2nd book in the Harry Potter and the… series, but I kept getting it confused with the 3rd movie. Which is totally my bad.

“SPOILER” “ALERT”.
This one had Gilderoy Lockhart in it. And Ron’s wand gets broken. And Hermione turns into a cat…and then into stone. And Harry eventually saves the day with some help from Fawkes and the Sorting Hat.

39. The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis
Yes, a kid’s book. Once again, padding my numbers.
This was a sweet little book. I’m glad I read it before I saw the movie. Because the book, it’s really for kids, and I suppose unless the movie people really screw with it, it will be hard to make the movie bad. The book has no serious fleshing out of characters, and no complicated plot points. Kind of like Little House on the Prairie…there’s good guys and there’s bullies.

There’s lots of symbology (hee) I’m sure, but I was mostly concentrating on finishing the book so I could start another book. I will say that this is my favorite fiction novel by C.S. Lewis I’ve read so far. It wasn’t boring like his other fiction. I’m looking at you, space trilogy.

38. Don’t Kiss Them Goodbye by Allison Dubois
When I saw this book on the shelf at the library the author’s name stuck out and I thought, “Allison Dubois? Why is that name familiar? Did we go to school together?” Because everytime I hear a familiar name but am unable to put a face with it I immediately think, “Did we go to school together?” I don’t know why. But when I pulled the book off the shelf I realized, that oh yeah, that’s the Medium character’s name. Duh. And this book is written by the real medium.

I liked this book because it was short and easy to read and by “short and easy to read” I mean IT WAS WRITTEN IN 14 POINT TYPE. So it’s kinda like cheating to count this one on my list but i’m taking it. The book was redundant because she kept saying the same things over and over. For example she said to never give a psychic any information, but to make the psychic give you the info. That way you know it’s a real psychic and not a con artist. Good advice, I guess. But she mentions it a lot.

But it was enjoyable because she has such a good sense of humor as does her husband. So it seems like the characters on the show are a good representation of the actual people. One thing I found interesting is that she says she rarely dreams, and you know, on the show, that’s how the character gets lots of her visions or whatever they are.

She talks about listening to her guides. At first I thought her guides were like, other mediums but that were like, professors or teachers or something. But later I realized she was talking about spirits or something. Yes, I am slow. And yes, I have a really bad spiritual vocabulary. Shut up. But she was all, “Some people call them guides, some call them angels, blah blah blah.” And that kind of grossed me out a bit.

She’s not very New Agey. And that’s neat. She doesn’t meditate for hours or hold crystals or anything like that. In fact, she seemed really normal and like I say, pretty funny. Oh and she’s really polite and humble. And she’s young, I think she’s Jimmy’s age. Which is funny ‘cos I always think of psychics as being old crones. hee. You know what I mean. “It’s in the basement! Of…of…THE ALAMO!” hee.


It gets three jose cansecos for giving me a stomach ache when I read it.

37. Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller
The “tagline” for this book was something like “nonreligious thoughts on Christian Spirituality”. It was nonfiction.

This book had some good parts to it. Several parts made me go, “aw crap.” Because it was like looking in a mirror and seeing the bad things I do. But most of the book? Most of it was lame. I say this from a Lady’s perspective because this book was definetly for dudes. It doesn’t say that it’s for dudes…but it is. Several people told me that this book was awesome and great and awesome so I read it and while I was reading it I thought, “gah, this is for dudes.” And I realized that everyone who told me it was awesome and great and awesome was a dude.

There you go!

So while I’m reading it I’m trying to figure out how old the author is because half the time i’m thinking he must be in high school. because he’s kinda immature. Not immature in that he’s making fart jokes, but immature in that he is WAY too awkward about girls. On one hand I’m thinking, “I wonder what happened to him to make him a middle aged emotional child?” and on the crusty, other hand i’m wondering, “I wonder if he knows he’s gay?”

I am being too harsh aren’t I?

There were many good sentences in this book that made me think about things like Jesus and my own shortcomings. But for the most part I kept thinking, “Dude, you need to GROW UP.”

I am a judging judgehole.

36. The Whalestoe Letters by Mark Z. Danielewski
This was a good book. Not great. It really would not be a good book at all if you haven’t read House of Leaves. In fact, if I had never heard of either book and had picked this one up first? I would have hated it and probably never would have picked up HoL. And then where would I be?
Well, Laura and I would still be friends, but Mr. F probably wouldn’t have written that awesome paper.

So if you want to read this book I suggest you read HoL first.

It gets

three jose cansecos. sorry MZD. I heart you and your books, but really, this book? Pretentious and unnecessary.

35. The Keeners by Maura D. Shaw
This novel was amazingly fantastic awesome. I loved it. It was sweet and sad and amazing. It tells the story of a girl (Margaret, not to be confused at all with Crazy Margaret) from Ireland in the 1840s who marries and has a family and lives through the famine and emigrates to America and works in the laundries and starts a union and lives to be an old woman. It’s really not anything I ever thought I’d enjoy reading but the part that sucked me in was that she was a keener, which is someone who wails for the dead. It’s something she studied to be under an old Irish lady when she was a kid, but then the more Catholic things became the less she had to use her keening skill because it was a pagan-type thing.

And then when she emigrates to America she never gets to keen again because it’s not done at all in America.

Some other cool things I liked was that she was an adept healer and even had to help birth a few babies but she didn’t like that kind of thing too much because she was more comfortable working with death, what with the keening and all. And that really made me think. I cried at a couple parts, and I did not want the book to end.

Anyway, you can read the reviews at amazon because I’m lazy. Oh, and this is another book that I checked out because of the cover. This novel was so amazingly good that it gets 0 jose cansecos.

34. Fast Food Nation: The Dark Side of the All-American Meal by Eric Schlosser
I thought that this book was going to be like Super-size Me only in book form. Not that the author would eat McDonalds everyday but that he would talk mostly about the unhealthiness of fast food.

I was wrong.

The author barely touches the “fast food is full of fat and fattiness” deal. He mainly talks about the greed, power, and evilness of fast food companies. I would read this book in the mornings as i drank my coffee and I would get so mad at how only a few people can make so many people miserable. I would cry at the working conditions of the meat industry (and trust me, i’m not crying over the cows. it’s the workers that have it so bad that i just want to take them all away from that horrible job and give them all sacks of money and comfortable chairs to sit on.)

He discusses the ranchers, the feedlots, the slaughter houses, and the packaging companies. He talks about the potato farms. He talks about minimum wage. He talks about how our government is supposed to regulate and keep us safe from unhealthy meat and that it not only doesn’t do that, but CAN’T do that, legally. The USDA cannot recall meat that is unhealthy. It has no rights to do that. The meat companies can voluntarily recall meat, but they can’t be forced to, even if the meat is infected with epidemic proportions of e. coli 0157:H7, which, as far as i can tell, is like ebola, it turns your organs into mush.

The meat industry is so corrupt and has bought so many republican congressmen that it has no watchdogs, no police. OSHA is not allowed to investigate a factory unless the injury records show above the national average. The meat companies hire doctors to lie about the severity of injuries and, and, and they keep two injury logs. the real one and the one they turn in to OSHA. This is illegal. And when the companies are caught they have to pay a piddly fine.
The FDA doesn’t care about the food you eat. They only care about prescription drugs.
The USDA is not allowed to police the thing it was set up to police. (This is not new and it’s also the reason i don’t drink milk.) The author also says that the government will not change any of this. That the only way to make some change is if McDonalds will make the change. So if enough people complain and make bad press about McDonalds using nasty beef instead of clean, grass-fed cows…nothing will change.

He discusses the franchise/franchisee relationships.

He discusses the hisory of fast food and the american west. It’s amazing.

This book was so interesting. If I were to become a vegetarian it would not be because I had a problem with the way cows are treated. Nay, it would be because of the treatment of humans.

This book gets 0 jose cansecos because it was such a great book, that i can’t bear to taint it with a mr. canseco.

33. Dead Until Dark: A Sookie Stackhouse Mystery by Charlaine Harris
Cookie Magoo recommended Ms. Harris’s books to me when she found that I couldn’t stomach the Anita Blake novels. This book is also about vampires and monsters, but it’s not about a vampire hunter or slayer or whatever. The heroine (Sookie Stackhouse) is a waitress. And most of the people in the book are just normal people who don’t wear guns all over their body. It was a cute book, and it’s very “southern” (with a name like Charlaine, duh). Well, not southern in that Weird Southern Author kind of way, like where you finish the book and you feel kind of sick at the end. Oh hi, Flannery O’Connor! I didn’t see you standing there.

Anyway, it’s a sweet book and I enjoyed the characters more than the Anita Blake novels’ characters.

OH! and it took me WAY too long to figure out who Bubba was supposed to be.

32. Circus of the Damned by Laurell K. Hamilton
I would love to tell you that this will be the last of Ms. Hamilton’s “books” that I will ever read, but Laura has asked me to read one of the later books so I can see what a slut Anita Blake becomes. And since, Laura has read things that I have begged her to, just so that I’ll know someone else who has read a book that I have (read: The Bell Jar, Out of the Silent Planet, an Anne Lamott book, among others) well, I owe her. And, like that slut, bitch, ho bag Anita Blake, I hate owing people.

This book was about monsters and Anita Blake. There was a snakewoman in it. I can buy vampires and zombies and even werewolves…but when there’s extra magic animals? like snakepeople for instance? I tend to lose interest. because…snakewoman? Yeah, I just….no.

The book was redundant like the last one and concentrated, once again, WAY too much on what she was wearing, the color of her shoes, and where she hid her guns on her body. And? Just to further prove that NO ONE edits her books? There was a stand alone sentence…in the middle of the page…all by itself….and it said something like, “Than I guess we better leave.”

Than? Than?

nnnnnnnnNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo!

Yes, I suck at grammar.
Yes, I purposely ignore grammar.
Yes, I make TONS of writing and spelling mistakes on my website.
But I don’t get paid for this shit either.

31. The Laughing Corpse by Laurell K. Hamilton
This is book 2 of the Anita Blake series. It was just as bad as Laura had described. The story isn’t bad, and the characters aren’t that bad. It’s the writing. It is SO FLABERGHASTINGLY REDUNDANT… but in a bad way.

Dear Ms. Hamilton,

We get that Anita carries a gun with her at all times. We do NOT care what kind she has or where she wears it. The fact that her jacket hides the shoulder holster perfectly? No one cares. Well, maybe we cared the first time, but not the 10 other times you mention it. We get that she wears black a lot. That’s understandable. We do not, i repeat, WE DO NOT care what color her fucking Nikes are…AND? because we don’t care about the color of the NIKES? WE ALSO DON’T CARE WHAT COLOR THE GODDAMN SWOOSH IS ON SAID NIKES, OKAY?! Do you have to describe every outfit and how she can hide a gun with it? DO YOU?!

Another thing, you need to remember that your character, Anita, is 24 years old and a female. SHE IS NOT SAM SPADE.
REMEMBER THIS.

And why is every paragraph made up of short sentences? It’s called a conjunction, and perhaps you and your proofreader could look that up? I realize who am I to judge bad writing, right? The thing is though, if I notice bad writing? It’s bad. And why must all paragraphs end with a sarcastic remark? I’m talking every single one! Don’t get me wrong, I love sarcasm, I really do. BUT YOUR SARCASM IS REDUNDANT and unnecessary.

WHAT. IS WITH. THE GUNS?!
I previously mentioned that we don’t care about the guns. But I understand that Anita does. What I don’t understand is this:
Half the time she bitches that she can’t carry the big gun that holds the most bullets. So then she’s all, “well, if i need more than 6 bullets i’m probably dead anyway.” okay, fine. Point made. but then? later in the book? She kills two zombie using like 10 bullets. Okay, different gun, sure…but she had to use more than 6 bullets…so i mean, why bitch about using more bullets when they obviously saved her life? then, when she carries the big gun? she’s all, “yeah. this big gun is big, and shoots big bullets, but it’s not like that helps when you’re going after zombies and vampires.”
WELL IT SURE AS FUCK HELPED YOU KILL TWO ZOMBIES ALREADY. ALL I ASK IS FOR A LITTLE CONSISTENCY, OKAY?

Ri-ight.

30. Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson
oh my sweet…i’m only on 30?! see, i’ve checked out 6 books in the last two months and i didn’t finish any of them because they were so sllllllllllooooooow. gah.

This book was pretty good I must say. I bought it at a local used book store because
A. I liked the cover (Why must I keep admiting that I choose books for their covers? Why?! And what is so stupid is that the 6 books since then that I could not finish? I totally did not pick them for their covers. They were books I genuinely wanted to read. The hell?!)
B. It was on the schools’ required reading list and I was nosey and wanted to see what “the kids” were being forced to read these days.

I will say this, I wish that book had been part of our required reading in high school. Not because I think it’s relevent exactly, to high school behaviors or shenanigans or whatnot. But because it’s funny and sad and bitter and funny and easy to read, and it wasn’t written by some old white man, and how refreshing would that have been to read in high school, i ask you.

Good book. Read it, it’ll take you 2 hours tops.

29. Waking the Dead by John Eldredge
This was a God book. It was pretty clever. The author uses a lot of literary and movie examples to make his points and that’s kinda neat, so instead of it being all, “hey! we should be like David and slay giants and pray and write songs!” the author is more, “hey! remember the part in the Matrix where Neo…”
However, it took me 6 weeks to read it. And it’s not a very big book. Maybe it took so long to read because it was nonfiction and didn’t have any porn or spurs or psychic detectives in it. (i go back every once in a while and see what i’ve read so far and i think, “this? this is the shit i’ve read this year? WHAT?! i read EVERY Kay Hooper thriller?! i am WORTHLESS!”) but see, now that i’ve read this book i know that that is just the DEVIL telling me i’m worthless. and we all know that THE DEVIL IS A LYING LIAR JUST LIKE OUR U.S. PRESIDENT. um, the last part wasn’t in the book.
Anyway, good book. i recommend it.
It gets 1 Jose Canseco.

28. The Girl With the Golden Spurs by Ann Major
I know what you’re thinking.
Okay wait. Lemme ‘splain. See, I was painting at the Holy House library, and I kept running across this book. The title cracked me up every time. It sounds like a bad porn movie, huh?
Yeah, well, it was kinda porny. I’ll level with you, it was porn. They call it Romance or whatnot, but c’mon, at one point the main girl thinks something about how she couldn’t wait for the main guy to “go down on her”. What is this book doing at the Holy House’s library?! Those dirty, old people! With their dirty books about ranch life and oral sex! Shame! SHAME!

So when I saw the title I wanted to know just WHO the girl with the golden spurs is and WHAT exactly she does and just, I mean, golden spurs.

Well, let me save you guys some time and brain cells. See, the thing is, her daddy is a big ol’ rich ranch owner, and the ranch? Is called the Golden Spurs Ranch. Yeah. Talk about a let down. She doesn’t even wear spurs. She doesn’t even like ranch life. She wants to be a big city girl. Anyway, the plot is goofy. The characters are many and stupid. In fact? It was like all the characters had to have life changing events happen to them. Like, drastic events. Por exemplo:
dad has a stroke!
murder!
amnesia
he married her sister!
the sister dies
that’s not her real mom?!
she never did get along with her, well gosh, that explains that
that means the sister…wait
halloween party dressed as a hooker!
plane crash!
her real mom’s name is Electra?
and she’s already dead?!
do i love him? i don’t know! i hate him!
no! i love him!
he doesn’t remember the sister, he loves her!
who killed the daddy?
who killed the sister?
who killed the hooker named Cherry Lane?
why does everyone hate her?
the mom is going crazy and only loves birds!
okay, so like, what about the dead sister’s baby? who’s watching the baby?!
she went horse riding? alone?!
fire!
gunshots!
oh my god! i shot him! but i love him!

That kinda thing.

“I’ve heard all about you,” she said. “you’re known to have a nasty, vengeful disposition. You’re a gambler, too, and you’ve got a bad reputation with girls.”

This book is set in the present. Who talks like that? The Amish?

I give this book four jose cansecos in a plane crash with amnesia.

27. Far Traveler by Rebecca Tingle
Okay, I was 30 pages from finishing the book when I noticed that I had checked out a Young Adult book. The reason I checked it out in the first place was ‘cos the cover had a girl chopping off her her with a knife. So then I checked out the inside sleeve to read what it was about and it’s a historical novel situation about the early Anglo Saxon royal family blah that i had to learn about back in the College Days, and the author (i think she has history degrees of some kind) said that the only thing that is mentioned about Aethylwyn (King Edward’s niece) is that she was sent to Wales (or something like that) and the author was all, “so i wanted to make up what happened to her and make it cool and heroic.” That’s not an actual quote from the author. Ms. Tingle can actually write real sentences.

So I got the book. Then, like i say, I’m on like, page 203 thinking, “This is a pretty good book, there’s no sex, and the love story is so….avoided even though you know it’s there…and it reads so easy and the letters seem bigger and easier to read…wait.” I check the spine…and there is a huge red sticker with a big YA stamped on it. “Crap! How did I miss that!?”

So there you go.
Anyway it’s about Aethylwyn. muh huh? And she has to run away from King Edward who wants to marry her off to Some Old Guy. So she runs and cuts her hair and pretends to be a traveling bard. Then she saved the day and goes and lives in a convent. but at the very last paragraph the man she loves (the man who thought she was a boy) comes and takes her to his mountain house. I assume they marry.
It was a good book and I would recommend it to kids in junior high.

26. Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant ‘Roids, Smash Hits, and How Baseball Got Big by Jose “Douche Bag” Canseco
This is one of the worst books I’ve read. Not only is it EXTREMELY repetitive, but I don’t think it was even edited by an actual paid editor person. And if it was? QUIT YOUR DAY JOB. U SUK.
The book was 304 pages (including a name-dropping index). This book would have been 150 pages if THE A-HOLE WHO EDITED IT FOR CONTENT WOULD HAVE EDITED IT FOR CONTENT. Jose “Douche Bag” Canseco has one thing to say, and he says it a quadrillion times in the book, “Steroids are good.”
The other thing he repeats a billion times, “I’m Cuban.” Which, he uses as a crutch. He constantly whines that he was never the All-American Hero Baseball Player Awesome Man, because he’s Latino and he thinks that people hate the Latinos and won’t let them be All-American Baseball Heros. Yes, he’s playing the Race Card.
Jose Canseco, how much money did you make playing baseball?
hm? What was that?
I see.
SHUT UP, JOSE CANSECO. YOU HAVE FERRARIS, PORCHES, AND A LAMBROUGHINI. YOU WOULD DO WELL TO QUIT BITCHING BEFORE SOMEONE WITH REAL PROBLEMS FINDS OUT THAT YOU’RE COMPLAINING. You know, like, people who STILL live in Cuba.
The reason that you’ll never be considered a true All-American Baseball Hero of Awesomeness can be broken down into three main reasons:
1. You were a good player for a short time.
2. You are a douche of great magnitude and no one who claims to be an All-American Baseball Hero Guy should ever be a GIANT WHINER.
3. And most importantly, you used CHEATER DRUGS. SINCE THE AGE OF 20. You cheated. You earned nothing on your own. You even admit that without steroids you weren’t that great a player. Just how fucking retarded is your Cuban brain anyway? (no offense against real Cubans.)

Oh, and another thing? You admit to cheating on your wives because it’s so easy to do as a baseball player out on the road, and tons of players do it, and there’s all these beautiful girls ready to JUST HAVE AWESOME SEX with you all the time. And then you go out with Madonna a few times and she wants to have sex with you and YOU DON’T SLEEP WITH HER?
faggot.
right.
DON’T PISS ON ME AND TELL ME IT’S RAINING, YOU CUBAN WHINER-MAN! A REAL CUBAN WOULD NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT ANY OF THESE THINGS. HE WOULD LIVE HIS LIFE LIKE A REAL MAN. IT’S CALLED MACHISMO, YOU DOUCHE. LOOK INTO IT.

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