7.25.05

Category: dribblings

Dear Jaimie,

Please stop eating cajun peanuts. You’re killing me.

Love,
Your Anus

ps: Please no Uranus jokes, m’kay? Everyone saw that one coming.

***

this evening while mr. fleegan and i sat and watched “actual” television (the show about the horrible children and the british nannies. talk about making yourself feel awesome. “jimmy, look how much better we are than those horrible people. we’d never let our imaginary 6 year old children sleep in bed with us. this lady is a nutjob.” and yes, that’s my professional opinion.) and while we were watching the boob tube someone rang my bell, hee.
“uh oh.”
“what?”
“someone rang my bell.”
“what? just now?”
“just now.”
“margaret?”
“i dunno. she’s not screaming my name like usual.”
jimmy goes and looks out the window and immediately ducks.
“crap! how does she do that?”
“do what?”
“it’s like her Crazy-Spider-Sense told her to turn around and look at this window.”
“i don’t know why you’re so afraid of her.”
“i’m not afraid of her!”
“yes you are.”
“are you going to go see what she wants?”
“no. i’m going to sit here and- hey, the show’s back on. this lady is an idiot.”
“i hope she’s not still out there when i leave.”
“see, told you you’re scared of her.”
“no!”
“i’ll walk you out and scare the Big Bad Crazy Lady away.”

by the time he left CM was gone. a teeny part of me was disappointed and i actually thought, “damn, now what am i going to blog about?”

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7.24.05

Category: dribblings

hottest weekend, ever. lawd have mercy.

my plant didn’t die! yet!

i am addicted to Auntie Mae’s Cajun Roasted Peanuts. (the bags should come with a warning on them though: BEWARE IDIOTS: DO NOT RUB YOUR EYES* AFTER EATING AUNTIE MAE’S CAJUN ROASTED PEANUTS.) i think she must also roast them in crystal meth or something. i get them at my neighborhood grocery store, Giant Johnson’s Food. (i’ll have to take a picture of the sign.) anyway, they come in these tiny paper sacks. and apparently Auntie Mae makes her tasty Crack Peanuts in Attalla, Alabama. wow, something good comes from Attalla? SWEET!

anyway the little sacks of drugged nuts are only 99 cents, but i can’t afford a 99 cents a day habit. well, yeah, i guess i can, but my anus can’t.
ANUS FIRE!

speaking of anus fire, OT sent me a link that describes all these new york (big city!) hair salons and their prices. if you’re normal, it will make you sick.

*i am a notorious eye rubber. and i’m loud about it too. i groan and moan while i rub my eyes. i mutter things like, “ohhh yeaaaaah…errrrmmhermm hee prrrrrrrrr.”
i know, i know, “you’ll go blind!” or “you’ll grow hair on your palms!”
ohhhh, just talking about rubbing my eyes? makes me want to rub them so bad. ohhh they’re begging to be rubbed. and once you start…it’s so hard to stop.

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7.21.05

Category: dribblings

mr. fleegan and i are heading to Tennessee this evening and will return on Sunday. we’re visiting leetle brather and his lady friend, cindahhhhh. oh, and their dog, layla.

cookie, you’re in charge.

***

in other news filled with curse words:

i hate my g*^%#* MOTHER F&%$@^!!! WEEDWACKER. hate it. hate it. hate it. i want to throw it onto the street and let cars and trucks crush it beneath their mighty wheels of destruction. THE ONLY THING THAT WILL MAKE ME HAPPY IS IF I PURGE THIS EVIL FROM MY LIFE, and if that means digging a hole 6 feet in the ground and burying that BRAND NEW, NONWORKING, PIECE OF SHIT SHIT SHITTER SHIT, then by god, i’ll start digging. and i’m gonna put it in the hole upside down, so when it wakes up and tries to dig it’s way out of the grave, it will just dig itself deeper and deeper and DEEPER.

WHERE’S MY HACKSAW?!

**

i repotted a plant today. T minus 3 days until plant is completely dead.

*

we ate at a local diner at lunch today. i had hamburger casserole. i didn’t know what it was going to be, but i really liked it. the broccoli and cheese i had was kinda soupy. fmeh. pinto beans! if pinto beans are on the menu i’ll always get them because they are a novelty to me. we never had them when we were growing up. we never had any kind of “southern food” because y’know, we didn’t know about it. so i crush my cornbread into the pinto beans and eat the mushy goodness. see? i’m all southern now! hee. “ahma have the pintos and the co-worn brey-yad.” how they stretch corn in to two syllables is amazing.

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7.19.05

Category: dribblings

has anyone else seen the latest Shakira video? it’s for a song called La Tortura.

Dear Shakira,

Shakira, honey, the next time someone tells you to wear motor oil all over your body and dance like…well, like that, you tell HIM that it’s the 21st century. M’kay? I’m just lookin’ out for you.

Sincerely,
Jaimie

ps: can hispanic people tell what the hell you’re singing? i mean, i realize that i’m an idiot who only speaks High School Spanish, but for real, are you singing in an actual language? just curious.

***

it has been Land of the Crazy People around here lately. i had a marathon Crazy Margaret Day on sunday. i was cleaning out that Goddamned Fish Pond, heretofore known as GDFP. she talked for an hour. i only remember bits and pieces.

“jaimie! jaimie! what is that in the tree?!”
“what.”
“over there! in that tree! it’s a big brown spider!”
“i don’t see anything.”
“it’s right there!”
“margaret, that tree is 50 yards away, if it’s anything it’s a bird’s nest.”
“no! it’s a giant spider! it’s in Lola’s yard! see! look!”
“no.”
“c’mere! stand right here! i’ll point it out to you.”
“no, i’m not standing there.” she wanted me to stand in front of her so she could lean over and point and probably wack me over the head with a blackjack or something. i mean, there was a chain link fence between us but still…i’m NOT turning my back on the crazy lady. i’ve seen movies. my momma didn’t raise no dummy.
“but! it’s a giant spider!”
“good! i’m glad it’s in that tree and not in my house! now stop it!”

then she went into a ten minute tirade about how there are tarantulas downtown. july shall now be the Month of Tarantulas. i swear, it’s like you never hear or say a word in YEARS and then all of a sudden there it is a dozen times in a week. tarantula. what on earth?

at one point she asked if she could borrow my lawn mower so she could mow the lawn at the Salvation Army.
“jaimie, what size lawn mower do you have?”
“uh. i dunno. a regular one.”
“can i borrow it? it will be faster than mine.”
“ummm…no.”
“but Best used to let me borrow hers.”
“yeah, well, i’m not comfortable with that.”
“but i won’t hurt it-”
“margaret, it’s not happening.”
“okay.”

last night when jimmy and i got back from Horrible Suck-Ass Blue and Yellow Video Store, Crazy Margaret was in Crazy Lola’s yard, and they were having one of their screamtalk sessions. this one was more talk, not so much screaming. jimmy said, “quick! we gotta hurry before she comes over here!”
“no we don’t.”
“what? well, i do. i don’t want to hear her right now.”
“she won’t come over here. relax.”
“how do you know?”
“because she owes me money.”
“what? you gave her money?!”
“why does everyone freak out about that? she always pays me back.”
“yeah but-”
“and the beauty of it is, when she borrows money she doesn’t come around until she can pay me back. so it’s like, i give her five bucks and i don’t have to see her for at least a week.”
“really?”
“really.”
“and she pays you back?”
“everytime.”
“that’s a good deal.”
“don’t i know it.”

and sure enough we calmly got out of the car, went through the gate, walked up the stairs, and went in the house without so much as a peep out of her.

i’m mean. but also? you would be too.

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7.17.05

Category: dribblings

file under: too much information
every once in a while i will have a sex dream. the only thing that you can count on about one of my sex dreams is that no matter with whom or where i am having the sex, it will be in front of a group of people. SECRET SEXIBITIONIST!
i had one last night and let me just share with you the hilarity.

there i was…doing it…with well, i called him jimmy, and he answered to jimmy, however, it was…
Vince Neil.
look, i know. oh, believe me, i know. i don’t even like Motley Crue! or STDs!

we were in the middle of a toy store. my MOM walks by, asks me a question about a movie then goes and pays for her purchase. the purchase was, and this is the absolute kicker, Jesus Legos. as in “Now You Can Build Jesus Out of Legos!” Jesus was wearing a green Lego robe and was posing like the Buddy Christ from Dogma.

to sum up: Vince Neil, my MOM (whaa? Freud much?), and as they say in the hockey world, for the hat trick: Jesus Legos.

i woke up, and i promise you this was my first thought, “what was that giant bed doing in the middle of a toy store?”

i wish i could be in the same room as Cookie when she reads this.

i think it’s safe to totally blame this on all the junk food i ate (and drank) at cakehole’s b’day party.

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The One About Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Category: weekleez

The One About Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
July 15, 2005

hi kids,

first i should say that i loved, LOVED the first Willy Wonka movie starring Gene Wilder. and i know it’s not perfect, i mean, the whole Sluggworth arc was kinda, “whaaa?” and Grandpa Joe was annoying as all get out, but still it’s one of my favorite movies i guess it helps i’m a sucker for a musical. so when i went to see the new one i thought, “now jaimie, we aren’t going to compare the two movies, m’kay? that’s not fair to either movie. so just sit back and enjoy this movie while trying not to WHAT THE? I FORGOT HELENA BLOODY BONHAM BLOODY CARTER WAS IN THIS. SON OF A-”
so the movie starts and i’m lovin’ it. the kid who plays Charlie is the most adorable little boy. he and his family interact and they are all so sweet, even ol’ Whatsername Bonham Whatever.

but then. then there’s the part with Willy Wonka and his fudge packing chocolate factory. i mean, how do you screw that up? i’ll tell you how to screw it up:

Johnny Depp as: Jim Carrey as: Andy Kaufman as: Michael Jackson as: Mr. Rogers in: Tim Burton’s Complete Royal Fuck-up of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. two hours of that bullshit and i can actually applaud Helena Bonham Carter’s performance. i mean, what the hell? his voice was the most annoying thing in a movie since Jar-Jar Binks. hell yeah, i said it.
and all you “Johnny Depp can do no wrong” people can bring it.

he ruined a perfectly good movie and Tim Burton let him. i mean, you gotta blame the director. he’s the HMFIC. but it’s obvious he didn’t want to make an awesome movie even more awesome because remember in the first one when they get to the room where everything is edible? remember how AWESOME that room was? because i mean, GIANT GUMMY BEARS, and licorice, and and…HE DRINKS TEA OUT OF A BUTTERCUP AND THEN HE EATS THE BUTTERCUP! I WANT TO LIVE THERE! but in this one? it’s not that magical. it’s not that cool of a place. i mean, here…in 2005, with all the special effects and computers and internet and talking picture shows….and you can’t make a freakin’ CANDYLAND LOOK AMAZING? I MEAN COME ON, YOU’VE BEEN HANDED THE DAMN TEMPLATE ALREADY, AND THE BEST YOU GOT IS, “EVERYBODY EAT A BLADE OF GRASS.”?? WHAT? GIMMIE THAT MEGAPHONE, NOW! ATTENTION: WE NEED MORE PEPPERMINT STRIPES. I WANT TO SEE KIDS DISCOVERING CONFECTIONS IN RANDOM PLACES. GIMMIE A KID EATING A BUG MADE OF SUGAR! I NEED GIANT GUMMY BEARS! I WANT IT RAINING GUM DROPS! COTTON CANDY CLOUDS! THERE BETTER BE A LITTLE GIRL WITH A LICORICE JUMP ROPE ON THAT SIDEWALK MADE OF ROCK CANDY! DONUTS AND MARSHMALLOWS STAT! THIS PLACE BETTER BE SO BEDECKED AND BEJEWELED WITH CANDY AND POWDERED SUGAR THAT NO ONE EVEN NOTICES THE GRASS, GOT IT?!

but no. Tim Burton saved up all the CGI budget for the oompa loompa. wait jaimie, don’t you mean oompa loompas? plural?
you. wish.
let me tell you, if i were a midget in SAG? i’d be furious.
they took one ugly old midget, scanned him, and hit ctrl+v a couple ten times. geez, talk about attack of the clones.

AND? the oompa loompa’s songs? no good. at all. i mean, i don’t mind a modern spin on the old songs, right? i expected them to be more funky and rap-like, but these? i couldn’t even understand what they were singing half the time. how am i supposed to learn if i can’t hear? i got one for ya:

oompa loompa doompity do
who is editing this pile of poo?
oompa loompa doompity dee
they got paid too much if you ask me.
I BLAME TIM AND JO-O-OHNNY.

doompity doo.

doompity DON’T!

for all of it’s suckiness there were some really cute parts and funny parts and the monkeys with the monolith in the TV room? hilarious. the squirrels? hilarious. even some of johnny depp’s lines were hilarious. just, y’know, if they had been delivered in a man’s voice. i’m not saying his character was gay exactly…it was just…weird.
bad weird though, like, did you see Martin Bashir’s interview with Michael Jackson? remember the uncomfortable feeling you got in your stomach because of the weirdness?
yeah.
i guess i was disappointed by Depp’s unsexiness. usually he’s kinda sexy.

Wonka Bars? yes. they made those things look and sound good.
flashbacks? yes.
Christopher Lee as Dr. Wonka? yes.
those glasses? no.
Wonka as a virginal, giggling, fruitcake with bad hair? no.
glass wonkavator? yes.
violet beauregarde and her mom? hey! it’s the alien girlfriend from Galaxy Quest! yes.
his purple gloves? yes.
puppet burn unit? yes.
the Bucket family? yes.
even Helena Bonham Carter? yes, even her.
no mention of anything being scrumdidilyumptious? no.

Tim Burton needs to keep doing what he does best: weird stop-animation thingies. and Johnny Depp needs to keep doing the pirate thing, rrreeow.

on a score of one (1) to four (4), four being the suckiest and one being least suckiest, i give it two (2) jose cansecos.

which i guess means i actually liked the movie, but see, The Fantastic Four (such a bad movie!) got six (6) jose cansecos. so obviously my scoring is flawed.

next epitomb: bum fights!

jaimie “wonkavision” pickle

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7.14.05

Category: dribblings

at lunch today i made egg sandwiches (again, right? but it was so good for dinner last night that i really wanted another one. ps: stay away from me. my farts are going to be toxic.) and i managed to squirt half the yolk all over me after i bit into the darn thing. the yolk’s on me!!! HA!
not. funny.
that stuff went EVERYWHERE. on my shirt in 3 giant glops. up high. down low. even on my shorts. it was amazing.

today Popsicle and i were discussing how to prepare the chicken for dinner and i suggested baking it. he asked how i baked chicken and i said, “well, get a casserole dish and throw some rice in it, then a can of cream of whatever soup and then put the chicken pieces (that’s been browned on the stove for a few minutes) on that and bake for like, i dunno, an hour.”
“what kind of soup?”
“cream of whatever you like.”
“so you could use cream of tarantula?”

mmmm mmmm good.

right now i am in love with GooGoo Clusters. i could eat a million of them. i think it’s the peanuts.
no. it’s the marshmallow. wait…the caramel!
no, no, it’s the marshmallow.

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7.13.05

Category: dribblings

so i’m painting at the Holy House and dad (the Schneider (spanish?) of the building) comes in and says, “i’m going to need you to help me on a job after lunch.”
“okay,” i say, “clogged drain?”
“no. um, well…”
“ew. toilet?”
“uhhh no. the lady in 205 says she killed a tarantula.”
“huh.”
“and she wants us to look in her closet and in some boxes to make sure it didn’t lay eggs.”
“yeah. um. are we qualified for that?”
“i don’t know.”
“we need a Tarantula Monkey for this, not a Paint Monkey.”
“yeah. or Steve Erwin.”
“no wait, better yet, let me run and get Crazy Lola. she can talk to spiders, y’know.”
“ha! that’s what we need!”
“and she’s probably not busy.”
“oh, i guarantee you she’s not busy.”

we actually didn’t believe that the lady had killed a real, honest to goodness tarantula. we figured it was probably just a big spider and that she just equates all big spiders with tarantulas. that is until we got there and she says, “now, aren’t they the ones that sneak in on banana bunches?”

huh, so maybe she does know what a tarantula is.

however, we found no spiders, giant or otherwise, and no eggs. but also, we wouldn’t know where to search for spider eggs if you held a gun to our heads.

here’s the kicker though. she said she killed the tarantula 3 weeks ago. and she just now told us about it. she said she kept thinking about it over and over and now she’s scared herself thinking about tarantula eggs hatching in her room.
it was slightly tempting to tell her that tarantulas bite people and lay their eggs inside the bite. but, that would be SO mean.

***

before it rained today, i mowed the lawn and cut down tree branches and trimmed up some of the wild crap that grows on the other side of the house (the alley way where Crazy Lola drives through my yard.) because it was needed. i scared lola’s sex spying cat, it hides in this tree by the street. it ran to her house and i yelled, “oh sure! run! you tattle tale!” it made me laugh. the cat looks a lot like toonces whorecat, only it’s ugly. it also sleeps on top of the volkswagen that’s parked in my yard.
no, it’s not my car.
sure, make an offer.

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7.12.05

Category: dribblings

there is a dead rat somewhere in my walls. i cannot get to it without smashing holes in my walls.

my house stinks.

reeks.

i am full of hate and rage.

***

so after calling liz a bonehead what does she do?
she calls me and invites me to supper.
i am an asshole.

***

leetle bro is home but will have MORE surgery in a couple of weeks so please still pray for him. like, i don’t know what church you go to, but when someone says, “are there any prayer requests?” you could say, “yeah, there’s this girl on the internet and her little brother needs some healing.” and God will know who you are talking about.
that’s his job. if you really want specifics e-mail me. pickle at fleegan dot com.

***

i forgot to post this link last week, but do you guys remember that weird flower that wisconsin wendy got to see a couple of years ago? the corpse flower? well, it bloomed again. that is one of the strangest things i’ve ever heard of.

***

honestly, i am this close (scrunch up thumb and index finger) to smashing holes in my walls to find the death rat.
it was probably one that lola sent over to spy on me.

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7.11.05

Category: dribblings

oh! oh! we had a Crazy Margaret sighting today! and she was in rare form.
as we were heading to the car i hear, “JAIMIE! WAIT!” uh oh.

jimmy was all, “quick! get in the car!”
and i was all, “no. wait. we can’t do that.”

so Crazy Margaret comes up and says, “i have something for you.”
“you do?”

“yeah, it’s a round, and it has this big piece of glass and like how Best’s used to have the one with the tiger and the feet? and it’s really nice and-“

“um, are you talking about a coffee table?” see, Best has this coffee table and it’s a bear and the bear is on it’s back and so it’s paws hold up the glass table top.

“yeah! and i brought it over here yesterday but you weren’t home again so-“

“what? no, i don’t need a coffee table-“

“but it’s really nice and-“

“no, margaret. really. i don’t want one.”

“well, okay then but-“

“look, we need to go now.”

“okay but listen i have to tell you this first because you need to know about it, but lola over there she’s crazy, i mean, really. she’s crazy.” and i swear, it gets harder and harder not to laugh aloud when she starts calling other people crazy. but she goes on, “anyway i saw her cat over here in your yard the other night and it was sitting on the bench there and i was going to chase it away because what she does is, she sends the cat over to watch you having sex, and then the cat goes back to her and jumps on her belly and does this.” and she motions like how cats make biscuits on her stomach, and says, “and then she starts groaning. and that how she talks to it. it’s a good cat, but she punishes it a lot.”

wow. that is some crazy.

“so like i said, i tried to chase the cat away but she must’ve known what i was going to do because i got sick and i made it to over there,” she points at the parking lot of the Board of Education and says, “and i puked up the demons ‘cos she made me sick.”

“wow. well. okay.” at some point she had even talked about this striped rat that jumped from one tree to another tree that made her fall? and also something about some lady that lives behind me somewhere that also spies and steals stuff? and she was in prison or something?

“so yeah now you know about her cat. ‘cos the cat watches you have sex. she tells it to. it’s a good cat but she punishes it a lot. Best didn’t like lola at all because she ran into the fence, your fence now, three times and it took her forever to get the money for it. i tell lola not to drive on your drive way but she just tells me that you can go to hell.”

“uh huh. well, thanks-“

“don’t ever help her. she’ll turn on you. i don’t know what i’m going to do. i’ve been to the doctor and they tell me this and this and tell me to go to another doctor and they don’t know. and i have these pains and i cry out and,” and at the point she grabs her crotch and says, “and it feels like something is cutting me-”

“okay margaret, we have to go now. we’ll see you around.”

“well, alright…” and she continues talking after we close the car doors and drive away. and oh man, we start laughing. jimmy said, “oh my gosh.”
“i know. wasn’t that the craziest thing yet?”
“i cannot believe that we haven’t recorded any of these yet.”
“i know, right? but that, that was the craziest!”
“yeah, Grade A.”
“it was amazing. i can’t wait to blog about it.”
“do you think any of it is true?”
“what? like the cat, and her puking up demons?”
“no. like the part where lola hates you and Best.”
“oh that. yeah. she probably does say those things, but she’s probably more mad that she has to deal with margaret too.”
“oh.”
“i hear them yelling at each other all the time.”
“we really need to record this.”
“i’m just glad that you were here to hear this one. it was particularly good. i’m glad there’s a witness.”
“who was the other lady she talked about, the one in prison?”
“i have no idea. but what was the deal when she grabbed her crotch?”
“i don’t want to know.”
“yeah, good point.”

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