8.14.05

Category: dribblings

i went to Johnson’s (my neighborhood grocery store) yesterday for i was out of beer and eggs and Auntie Mae’s Cajun Peanuts. the cashier was a bit flirty in that “don’t i know you from somewhere?” kind of way. i was a bit annoyed in that, “we’ve been through this before. i don’t think so.” kind of way. (she does this to me every time. maybe she does it to everybody?)
she was not to be detered in that, “no, i know you. you’re really familiar.” kind of way.
somewhat more annoyed because looking out the windows of the store the sky looked like it was going to drop buckets at any moment, i responded with a shake of my head in a, “i don’t know.” kind of way.

she kept staring at me and asked me where i worked.

i wanted to respond in a, “just how long does it take to ring up 10 items, lady?! the bottom is about to fall out! go! go! go!”
but instead i answered in a, “i paint houses.” kinda way.
she was disappointed in an, “oh.” kinda way. and started ringing up the rest of my groceries. but never one to give up she then asked in a, “well, i used to work at The Other Downtown Grocery Store, maybe i know you from there?” kind of way.
i wanted to respond in a, “i think i can count the number of times i’ve been in that store on one hand.” kind of way, but i didn’t. because even though i’m an ass in real life i don’t always have to be one out loud.
“well, maybe. i guess.”
“i know i know you.”
“maybe i just have one of those faces?”
“no. i know you.”
“…”
“well, have a good day and try not to get too wet.”

what? i look outside and i’ll be darned if it’s not pouring gigantic cat and dog sized buckets of rain. AND lightning. the strikey kind.

so i get out of the store and i’m standing under the awning with 4 old black ladies.
which, if you have to get stuck outside in a storm, i recommend getting stuck with 4 old black ladies. they were very sweet.
“oh baby, this is what we call a baptizin’ rain!”

anyway, 15 minutes later and the storm is NOT letting up. but the lightning has slacked off so i make a break for it even though my car is nearly at the end of the lot. i figure, i haven’t had a shower yet anyway. well, by the time i get to the jeep i am completely soaked. it’s hilarious. and then there i am struggling to get my soaked groceries into the car. THEN i see two old ladies struggling to put TWO cartloads of groceries in their trunk and i think, “oh hell. fine.” i mean, it’s not like i could get any wetter. so i went and helped them and we were all screaming (the rain was too loud to talk normal) and laughing.

i get back to my jeep and get in and my hat? i’ve got drops coming off the bill of the cap. right on my lap. it looked really absurd.
i get back to my house and get more wet (impossible) from carrying all my groceries up the stairs. i bring all my groceries into the kitchen and start to put them away, and i look out the window…
oh, you know what happened. yes, you do…

THE RAIN STOPPED.

HATE. YOU.

but then i unloaded the brown paper bags of Auntie Mae’s Cajun Peanuts and they were completely soaked and i excaimed, “oh no! my nut sacks are all wet!”
it was at this point that the maniacal laughter set in.

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8.12.05

Category: dribblings

August Attacks!
i know it sounds like i’m making this shit up, but i’m not. how unlucky can one person be?

my computer? has a trojan horse virus.
heh, i said trojan.

***

the lady who owes me money called and said, “hey, how about i meet you somewhere to give you the money? that way you don’t have to drive all the way out here.”
so i said, “well, that’s okay really. i know you have kids and all and i can just go to your house.”
“no no. that’s too far. how about we meet at the mall?”
“the mall?”
“yeah, how about we meet under the sign at the mall.”
“really?”
“well, yeah. is that okay?”
“sure. i guess.”
“what is it?”
“well, i mean…that’s totally going to look like a drug deal.”
“bahahahahaahaaa! jaimie, that is so funny! i would never have thought of that!”
“oh. well.” i was completely serious.
“hahahaha! a drug deal!”
“*sigh* so, under the sign at the mall?”
“i’ll see you then!”
“ok.”

and you guys? it TOTALLY looked like a drug deal. i’m sure the mall security cameras were ALL OVER THAT. hee.

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8.11.05

Category: dribblings

i didn’t get paid for the job i finished because the lady had an emergency to take care of. i know that she’s good for the moeny and i have no reason at all to believe she’s trying to rip me off. it’s just a little inconvenient.

the AC Man is coming back on monday to put in a new thermostat. we’ll see if that helps anything. i mean, i know i need a new one…i’m just not sure that that is the main reason that the damn thing isn’t working like a normal ac unit. at any rate, i’m thinking that it won’t cost any more than $100, if that. so, till monday: wonky AC.
but i’ll take “wonky” over “completely broken” any day.

so when i get home from work (after finding out No Money) and walk in the warm house i’m all, “i’m going to mow the lawn. that way, my yard will look so good and i can be satisfied with something. i’m going to be proactive, by god!”
whilst mowing i stepped in FRESH cat shit.
my cat is an inside cat now, so i know it wasn’t Toonces Whorecat. it was from one of Lola’s Sex Spying Cats. there are two of them. one looks like Nibbler Woodlayson, and the other looks like a big, poofy, ugly, blackish cat that i’ve taken to calling Yvonne Mandlebaum. but only in my head, because when i say anything to those cats out loud it’s usually, “GET! yerass off my lawn.” as i point at them mercilessly.

so the whole time i’m mowing i’m all, “why do i smell shit?”
eventually it hits me. i look down and say, “jaimie, you’ve got shit all over BOTH shoes. it’s cat killin’ time.”

i guess i’m going to have to start chasing the bastards out of the yard more consistently. i’d get a pellet gun, but i’d end up shooting out a window or someone’s car. and i don’t want to go to jail. but the thought of shooting these cats fills me with glee. it might be different if they weren’t feral city cats. maybe then i’d be all, “oh, those darn cats.” in fact, i’m not sure lola remembers to feed them everyday. but it doesn’t matter ‘cos i’m sure that there’s plenty of rats they can kill. in fact, i’ve been wondering if that’s why i haven’t had much of a rat problem recently. it’s probably those cats…and the 9,000 boxes of poison i’ve put out.

they come into my yard
A. because (according to Crazy Margaret) Lola told them to and
B. they like to try to catch the fish in That Goddamn Fish Pond.

so far, the fish are winning. and all this time i thought fish were stupid. well, maybe they are, but these asshole fish are holding their own so…good for them.

anyway, long story short: Hell Month continues. no money and shit on my shoes.
tomorrow i’m not leaving the house.

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8.10.05

Category: dribblings

the Boring Saga of Shit continues

so. the Air Conditioner Man came out this morning and fixed the air. he added more Cool Juice to it. it only cost me $45. i was quite pleased.
this afternoon dad said, “jaimie, remember how happy you were that the air conditioner only cost you $45 to fix?”
“yes. wasn’t that awesome?”
“yeah, um…i was looking at your tires…”
“no! NO! i just had those put on like, 3 years ago!”
“yeah. well, you need to get two new ones for the front. they are worn out.”
“shit.”
“sorry.”
“well, do you mean like “soon” or like soon?”
“i mean like, i would get them fixed this month or early next month.”
“shit.”

***

it turns out dad was only 51 today. he was all, “why do you keep saying 52? have you talked to justin?”
“no. why?”
“because he thought i was 52 too.”
“huh.”
“i thought maybe you guys were messing with me.”
“nope, i really thought you were 52.”
“well, maybe…maybe i am 52?”
“i thought so.”
“no. i don’t think so. i was born in 1954.”
“huh. nope. you’re 51.”
“yeah. yeah! i’m 51.”

***

i got home from Popsicle and Kellyfish’s b’day dinner (lasagna, of course) and upon entering the house i was completely shocked (why? why was i shocked? i mean, me? of all people? i didn’t see this coming? i actually thought that something was going my way? me?! APPARENTLY, YES. THE LITTLE PLASTIC CASTLE IS A SURPRISE EVERY TIME.) to find my house incubator warm.

i’m guessing that the problem isn’t that the Cool Juice level was too low. i’m guessing it’s a slightly bigger and more complicated problem. and? i’m guessing that it will probably cost more than $45 to fix.
<carl voice> oh good.</cv>
the AC Man will be here at 8am.

August? we’re through. i’m done with you. may God damn you straight to hell.

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8.09.05

Category: dribblings

the 10th is kelly and dad’s b’day. dad is going to be…50 something, i think 52, but i’m really not sure. and kelly is…25? 24? 25? i’m going with 25.

a conversation i had with jimmy a few weeks ago went something like this:
jimmy: did you see the website i’m working on?
jaimie: yeah, it’s neat.
j: i’m thinking about making a part called the Geektionary, and it’ll have all the words and stuff we make up.
j: what words?
j: you know…like, hat.
j: …jimmy, hat is in the real dictionary.
j: no, you know…like the thing you and laura-
j: ohhhh, you mean helmet.
j:yeah! helmet!
j: but helmet is in the dictionary.
j: yes, but not your helmet.

i went through part of my ashtray collection. i’m going to have to get rid of some of them. *sheds a tear* i don’t want to, but i have to. i’m hoping to give the ones that don’t hold sentimental value to Tami and Scottie. because i think they will treasure them. i want to make sure they go to a “good home”.

in other news:
my air con is still broken.
my wrist and shoulder are KILLING me, to the point of me asking myself, “should i be putting ice or something on this? am i officially old? was dad serious when he said that now i’ll be able to tell when it’s going to rain?”
gas is up to $2.28. WTF?!
i cut the piss out of my ankle while shaving. girls, when was the last time you cut yourself shaving? i mean, cut yourself bad, not nick, i mean cut and then the water’s all pink and you’re all, “what the- ah! how did i- ow! i’ve gotta sit down.” what am i in 7th grade again?

August! i’m still totally hating your guts!

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8.08.05

Category: dribblings

Dear August,

So. It’s come to this, has it? I always thought January was pretty bad, but this year? Other than a few medical bills…January was a peach. This year you win. I mean, this first week alone has been quite the pain in my neck…and throat. What’s the deal? Are you tired of being the Month That No One Cares About? ‘Cos if you think about it, other than a few birthdays and an anniversary or two…you’re nothing.

Nothing! You hear?! Nothing!

Summertime comes along and everyone loves June and July and no one gives two shits about you. Look, it’s always been this way. So why are you bitchin’ about it now? Why you gotta be all, “HAHA! I’M AUGUST! You won’t forget ME any time soon! TAKE THAT!”

You aren’t going to win any popularity points with that attitude. And people remember stuff like that too. So don’t think that this year you can be a big ol’ bitchy she-bear and next year you can be a snuggly kitten because, no. You continue down this road and i’m gonna lobby to have you taken off the calendars.

And why do you have to keep hitting me?! Is this some kind of test? ‘Cos i don’t like tests! Quit testing me! I mean, other than the general madness that abounds in my life, there’s been:
1. that stupid Chuck Palahniuk story
2. i can’t. get. this stupid. pool house. finished!
3. i’ve got crazy people messing with/opening/stealing? my mail. STOP! OR I’LL KILL YOU.
4. the several days that i’ve worked through lunch, without lunch, and late, and STILL didn’t get the jobs finished.
5. two words: pool house.
6. there is no stupid fucking number six.
7. the mere thought of Evil Judge Roy “cork soaker” Moore running for governor.
8. finding out that dad is pretty much going to keep working for the Holy House now so i’m stuck painting fucking bullshit houses by myself for the rest of my life.
9. the mockingbird that DIVEBOMBS my head when i mow the lawn. NEAT! that’s JUST WHAT I NEED. i LOVE being a NERVOUS WRECK while controlling a small combustion engine with a spinning blade.
10. dad, going into Panic Mode every time there’s an empty room that needs to be painted at the Holy House and him calling me to see if i CAN FIT IT IN MY SCHEDULE. you know, THE SCHEDULE I MADE LAST WEEK. so now i’ve got to screw someone over (THE POOL HOUSE) (AGAIN) because if i don’t, then dad will paint the room because OH MY SWEET GOD, AN EMPTY ROOM?! AND IT’S ALREADY BEEN RENTED OUT?! and i won’t get any money if dad paints it.

BUT IT’S NOT LIKE ANYONE IS GOING TO MOVE IN BEFORE SEPTEMBER.

BUT SURE, YES, LET ME REARRANGE MY WHOLE LIFE SO THAT I CAN PAINT A ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT FOR $120 INSTEAD OF THAT KITCHEN I QUOTED FOR $300. YES. LET ME PUT OFF THAT PESKY $300 JOB.

Then he asks me if I want to take off friday and take his ass up to TN to see my brother’s band play at some bar.
yeah, ‘cos I’ve got oodles of time to burn.
then he acts like i’m the jerk for
A. not being excited at all and
B. for not saying yes.

Thank God mom is taking him.

AND because August goes to eleven. The kicker:
11. I came home today and my air conditioner is broken. So now I’m sweatin’ like a whore in church while typing this. No telling what THIS adventure’s gonna cost.

So, August, if I go ahead and say, “You win,” will you stop shitting all over me? because about the only constructive things I’ve managed to get done so far is get a haircut, buy cat food and litter, and smoke every cigarette in the house. The last one probably being the reason why I have a sore throat.

You win.

Now leave me alone!

Piss Off,
Jaimie Pickle

wow. did you really read this whole BitchFest?

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8.02.05

Category: dribblings

what i’m about to tell you is not funny unless you’ve
a. seen the commercials or
b. well…seen the commercials.

unfortunately, the commericals are local, so chances are, you’ve not seen them.

there are a series of commercials for a local used car lot that feature a little girl asking her car-selling grandpa (whom she calls Bobo) questions. one of the commercials goes like this:

GIRL SITTING ON A TOY CAR

girl: Bobo can *muffled words* ..um..*5 second pause* car?

CUT TO OLD GUY STANDING BY A REAL CAR

Bobo: That’s right Randi-Danielle! I’ll trade in any car! blah blah car sales talk…

all of his commercials have little Randi-Danielle garbling out words you can’t understand and Bobo. and these commercials have been around for like, at least 3 years. and the kid…she still can’t talk into the mic. or enunciate. but whatever, that’s fine. it’s just that…what bothers me is the commercial i’ve described above. no kidding, there’s a 5 second pause in the kid’s spiel. and 5 seconds of TV time is like, nearly an eternity. so my beef with it is…was that the BEST take?

what is surprising about all this is that dad and i JUST NOW started calling each other Randi-Danielle. it’s a cute name, but southern to the bone. it cracks us up every time, because we are mean and stupid and we have a tendancy to laugh at the same thing over and over.

what was even funnier to us was that at lunch we told Tin and Perry about it. and they both cracked up because they’ve seen the commercials and really, you HAVE to see the commercial for this to be remotely funny.
afterwhile dad and perry were talking about installing ceiling fans and perry said, “yeah we can do that.” about something that was a one-man job. and dad was all, “what’s this ‘we’ shit. you got worms or something?”
and perry said, “well, i was talking about you and me and *points at me* Randi-Danielle over there.”
we DIED laughing. i said in a little kid voice, “okay Bobo!”
we died again.

later on dad and i were on the elevator and the door opened and there was perry and he was all, “oh, the elevator’s too full, i’ll catch the next one.”
and while the doors were closing i said, “see ya later Bobo!”
and it totally caught him off guard and it was awesome to see him start to crack up as the doors closed.

THINGS THAT ARE EVEN LESS FUNNY THAN THAT

someone is screwing with my mail. it’s either lola or Crazy Margaret, right? one of the random catalogues came and the previous owner’s name was scratched out with a pen and the part that says “or current resident” was circled. look, the post office doesn’t waste time on that kind of shit. so someone’s going through my mail. the thing that REALLY PISSES ME OFF is that a wedding invitation i received was OPENED. i mean, THEY FUCKING HAD TO BREAK A FUCKING STICKER/SEAL THING TO OPEN IT.

i swear, the next time Crazy Margaret comes around i’m going to talk to her LIKE A DOG.
i am so pissed. DAMMIT! like it’s not making me paranoid enough to live next to these crazy mofo’s now i don’t know if i’m getting all my mail or not.
LIKE A DOG. i don’t care if she did it or not. i’m going to put the fear in her.

and if it’s lola?
well, you can kiss her goodbye. i’ll have no problems reporting that shit, and she can go live in a group home or something where she NEEDS TO BE.

SO ANGRY.

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8.01.05

Category: dribblings

hells bells is it august already? well, august, so far you are sucking harder than you ever have before. (i went back and reread this and HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! SUCK! GET IT?! THEN YOU HAVEN’T READ THE BOOK. AND THANK GOD FOR THAT.)

i started reading the new chuck palahniuk book, haunted. about 6 or 7 pages into the book i threw it down and shouted, “NO!”
because what i was reading was so gross and horrible. HORRIBLE! it was, i’m fairly certain, the most disgusting, disturbing, gross gross gross thing i’ve ever read. and now it is a senario that is etched into my brain, and i can’t stop thinking about it and just wish it would go away.

the premise of the the book seemed kinda cool. but i don’t even want to touch it now. i don’t want to see it’s creepy cover; i don’t want it in the room with me. i don’t know how i’m going to get it back to the library. maybe i can get jimmy to put it in a bag for me. (i’d have him take it back for me, but he doesn’t know where the ‘brary is. he can’t read.)

UGH! get out of my head! stupid book! i hate you! you are EXCREMENT!

i mean, i’ve read some gross shit before, right? i have the internet. but this…this is…

i think i’m going to throw up.

if i could go to a place and have part of my memory erased, i would go and spend real money on that procedure and i would leave a note for myself in my checkbook:

Dear Jaimie,

I know that’s a huge chunk of money you just spent on having your brain erased. Just know that the money was well spent. I know you’re curious as to what was erased. I know I would be! HEE! Anyway, remember the movie Saw? Remember how outraged and sick you were after watching it? Not because it looked gross, but that the senarios were so sick that it made you sick to know that a human being wrote something so fucked up? Especially the part with the girl with the trap on her head and she had to…
Yeah, well what you had erased was like, 20 times worse. I was going to go ahead and have them erase Saw too (two for the price of one! what a deal!), but I needed it for reference. Sorry for bringing it up. Anyway, DO NOT READ HAUNTED BY CHUCK PALAHNIUK. Don’t even touch it. Some people might be tempted to go and read it after having it erased. The curiosity would eat them up inside and they’d have to go read it…just to know.

But I know that you won’t do that, because there’s no way you’d waste $2,000 like that. Good thing you’re a miser! Anyway, I’m sure you have a headache now, so go lay down and take an aspirin and rest and sleep…AND I SWEAR IF YOU READ THAT BOOK I’LL KILL YOU.

Love,

Jaimie

seriously?
i think i’m going to throw up.

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7.28.05

Category: dribblings

i don’t want to be all whiney and complain about how hard i’ve worked this week.
so i won’t.

*

i finally got to borrow the “new” Scarpetta novel Trace. let’s see if i’ll get around to reading it. she kinda lost me when she brought Benton back. i guess at least she didn’t pull a total Dallas, but c’mon, Witness Protection Program? my ass.
eh, Scarpetta is a frigid bitch and i liked her better when she smoked. at least she was more human then. dammit, why am i wasting my thoughts on a fictional character?

**

i’m re-reading House of Leaves and honestly, it’s like, everything seems to be happening faster. i’m all, “wait a minute, i’m only on page 85 and they’re already exploring the giant staircase?!”

liz, are you re-reading it? because you should.
it’s different.

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7.26.05

Category: dribblings

liz and cookie talked about movies recently. i don’t watch a lot of movies on TV (until recently*) however, there are some movies that if i channel surf and hit one i must watch.

1. anything by Mel Brooks

2. Clash of the MUTHA F*CKIN’ TITANS, BABY!!! which of course, is not the actual title, but it’s what i exclaim when i see it’s on TV. it was on at midnight last night! SWEET!

3. i used to ALWAYS watch The Great Escape starring Steve McQueen and all those other dudes. but lately AMC has been beating that movie with a dead horse.

4. Force 10 From Navarone. no, not Guns of Navarone. Force 10 has a young Harrison Ford, Lurch, and uh…Apollo Creed. wait, i think it’s Apollo Creed.

5. any kind of Naked Gun, Airplane!, or Hot Shots

6. there is no number six but if there was, it would probably be something like Swiss Family Robinson or Heidi.

7. Terminator 2! Terminator 2! you have to scream the title of that, and you have to scream it twice. (justin, remember that screamy preacher dude they used to make fun of on the old Daily Show when the blonde dude hosted? HA!)

8. Two Mules for Sister Sara. shut your hole. i LOVE this movie. i think it’s the only Clint Eastwood movie i like.

9. Willy Wonka

10. To Kill a Mockingbird

11. Predator

12. Red Sonja right, like i’m the only one? that movie? is so bad. and the oriental brat? KILL HIM. i love hating this movie. that’s why i have to watch it.

13. Cool Hand Luke

*14. apparently i’ll watch Valley of the Dolls every time it’s on. i didn’t know this, until this morning, when i found myself watching it for the third time this month (thank you AMC, for showing the same 5 movies in the morining, you ass.) as well as quoting it. i know.
“you know how bitchy fags can be.”
“boobies, boobies, boobies, nothing but boobies. who needs ’em. i got along without ’em.”
“MEL?!… GOD?!… NEELY? ….NEEEEEEEEEELYYYYY O’HARAAAAAAAAA!”

i talked to laura this morning and told her i had watched VotD again.
“why?” she asks.
“i don’t know.” i say.
i called her back later to tell her i had figured out why i’ve been unable to not watch it.
“it’s Patty Duke.”
“really?”
“yes, the Patty Duke Factor. i think that no matter what movie it is, if Patty Duke is in it, i’ll watch.”
“really?”
“yes, even both the Helen Keller movies.”

and it’s not that i think she’s a fabulous actress or anything. i think it’s just the novelty of Patty Duke. she was her own cousin.

other “factors” i have: the Julie Andrews Factor, the Hayley Mills Factor (more accurately, the Old Disney Movie Factor), the Esther Williams Factor**, and the Paul Newman Factor.

** i love seeing her come up out of the water with perfect hair and make-up. those movies were so corny it’s unreal.

other morning movies that i’ve watched 3 times this month (‘cos i can’t seem to change the channel): The Snake Pit with Olivia de Havilland (this movie stinks) and Suddenly, Last Summer (and yes, everytime they flash the title on the screen i sing the Motels’ song) with Liz Taylor and Katherine Hepburn. i like this one. it’s kinda neat. weird, weird ending.

this extra long, extra “who cares” post was brought to you by AMC‘s Morning Movie

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