9.04.05

Category: dribblings

i have a sore throat. my ears hurt. my eyes are scratchy. and? and? the top of my head hurts. wha? people that i have known and loved for all my life tell me that it’s “allergies”.

allergies?! ALLERGIES?!

i’ve never had so-called “allergies” in my life! i refuse to believe in allergies. however, all this nonesense started after i picked up the nine billion sticks and branches that had fallen in the yard. dammit. but i don’t think i can make myself go to the doctor, because even though i have insurance it STILL costs actual money to see the doc, and i can’t afford it right now because:

***

rockstar Roxy is sick too. she’s been hacking. i thought it was from all the logs and sticks she’s been eating. i figure she’s got splinters in her throat. (you should see her poo. it looks like sticks and bark and poo. stoopid.) but if she’s still hacking on tuesday i figure i’ll take her to the vet to get her checked out. $$$

***

the jeep is broken. it’s wants to start, God love her, but somethings wonky with either the fuel line or fuel pump or something. it’s acting like it’s not getting any gas. she’s stuck at mom and dad’s house until tuesday i guess, then i’ll call a wrecker to take it to my mechanic’s place. $$$

***

so early this morning (12:15) i get a phone call and it’s my leetle brahther. he, cindy, and dad are at the bar and he’s locked his keys in the car. he wants me to drive to the bar ‘cos i have dad’s truck (see above paragraph) which has tools in it. normally, this wouldn’t have been a big deal to me. the bar is a couple blocks away from where i live. however, i was sleeping like the dead, because of my throat/ear/eye soreness. and i was pissed to be awakened from it because
A. everything started hurting again and
B. i had told those boneheads they didn’t need to go to the bar tonight seeing as how they had partied two nights in a row already. they called me old.
well, maybe next time they’ll listen to Old Jaimie.

by the time i got home my head/throat/ears was hurting so bad that i couldn’t fall asleep. so i ended up watching Little House on the Prarie until 3am, but that is a different, longer story.

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9.03.05

Category: dribblings

so i’m looking after fellykish’s hellkittens while she’s in hellhio. so the whore leaves town and guess what? there’s no kitty litter at her house.
why?
because she hates me.

the phone call went like this:
k: hello?
j: you are dead.
k: what?!
j: you better stay in ohio.
k: why?
j: ‘cos when you come back i’m going to kill you.
k: why?!
j: where do you keep the kitty litter?
k: oh, it’s in the…oh, i forgot to buy some didn’t i?
j: death. that’s what you have to look forward to.

she has the Known World’s Smallest Litter Box for two, TWO cats. and she uses some kind of birdseed looking cat litter. no good. so i went and bought The Good Stuff (ie. Arm & Hammer litter. the ONLY litter that works.) i got the MULTIPLE CAT kind ‘cos i think it has more baking soda in it to keep the odor away. i think once she sees how AWESOME that cat litter is, she’ll be unable to go back to the birdseed litter.

when i went by this morning to check on the kitties Fergie was all about eating and Yoda was all about being petted. he bit me, the little ass hat. also, he can jump very high.

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9.01.2005

Category: dribblings

mr. fleegan and i rented Shaun of the Dead because my leetle brahther told me it was hilarious. when it ended mr. fleegan and i both agreed that it wasn’t very good. it’s weird when we agree on movies like that. i mean yes, i liked the parts where people get hit on the head with things…but really, it was a sad movie.

justin, you left out how sad it was.

***

most of the gas stations in town are out of gas. i find this unbelievable in that way where you see something with your own eyes and you know it to be true because you were right there and yet, you still don’t believe it. i hear that the gas trucks are coming tonight at midnight, but i don’t know if it’s true or not. i keep wondering why the gas is gone…i keep wondering why people lined up and waited in huge lines for gas…all at the same time…were they doing it to try to save 20 cents on the gallon? were they doing it because they knew the town would run out of gas today? were they nervous as they pumped gas…thinking about people…roadwarriors…coming by and killing them for their full gas tank? were they nervous as they drove away…looking in the rearview mirror…catching a glimpse of some construction going on thinking, “…is that the new school? or Thunderdome?”

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8.27.05

Category: dribblings

i usually have more willpower than this. in situations such as these, i’m the Asshole Voice of Reason. so what i want to know is…wha’ happened?

as you might’ve read on Laura’s blog, i adopted a dog from the local Humane Society. i would like to blame my parents, but really, i was the one who drove back, by myself, after purchasing $45 worth of food, treats, and toys, and shelled out $55 for the “adoption”.
i blame myself, mostly.

mom and dad wanted me to get the border collie because they love those dogs, they’ve had three. but i’m not too keen on them because it seems that they are either really smart or really retarded, they’ve had one smart one. so dad and i go to get the border collie out and all the dogs are going wild, except this large dog, who is just standing there all, “these aren’t the dogs you’re looking for.” we get the border collie, Oreo, out and she goes about 90 miles an hour ’round and ’round the fenced in area. holy crap! she’s two years old, which i was excited about ‘cos i thought, ‘well, at least she’s got all of her puppying out of the way.’ very sweet, but hyper dog. the humane society calls it “playful”.

“dad, i really want to check out that huge dog.”
“really?”
“i know, it’s stupid, but yeah.”
“well, she keeps looking over the fence at us. and it’s not stupid, you have a huge yard.”

and it was true. while we were watching Oreo run like a loon, i’d look over at the back of the cages, and i’d see the tip-top of her head and just her eyes as she would prop up on the fence. aw.

so we got her out, she was Roxy. she was huge and only 6 months meaning, still growing, you idiot. but she was so sweet and personable and sweet and huge and sweet and loving and sweet. and she, like Oreo, was one of the dogs that had been trained by the prisoners. which, i think that program (the prisoners training dogs) is a GREAT program. it benefits…everyone. Vicki, the lady who runs the Humane Society, told me that they started doing it for the big dogs to make them more adoptable. ‘cos usually people want to adopt puppies and the big dogs get the shaft. or needle i guess?

but honestly, i didn’t plan on getting any dog. i just went to humor mom and dad.

and dad was all, “you don’t have to get one now. you can think about it over the weekend and go back monday or something.”
“i know. but wouldn’t it make sense to get one today so that i’d have all weekend to see how she’s going to adjust? ‘cos i’ll have to work all week and i wouldn’t get to see her until the evenings and-”
“yeah, you’re right. you’re going to get Roxy aren’t you?”
“no! yes. shit. fuck. no! no no nonononono!”
“…”
“yes.”

so now, $100 later, i’ve got a dog. a huge dog.
huge dog=huge poop.

she’s so big i’m worried that when she finally gets bored that she’ll jump the fence because there’s two spots (2 corners) that have been built up with RRties and made into planters (so stupid. the dirt is ROCK HARD) so she can jump on them and then jump on out.

i don’t think i would have ever named a dog Roxy, but it’s really cute and she is a rockstar, so there.

Roxy chased off one of Lola’s feral cats this morning. YES! good dog! however, this is going to confuse her when she finally meets Toonces Whorecat and is yelled at for barking and chasing her. although, honestly, i think Toonces can handle Roxy herself. there may be some bloodshed, but it won’t be Toonce.

Roxy is an outside dog but will have inside priviledges. in fact, you’ll be happy to know that because i’m such a heartless pet owner, on her first night, she stayed outside all night long. jimmy thought i would cave in. but no! haimie is strict! leesten, ju are just a dog, ogay? ju just need to run around and make barky-bark at people who walk by, ogay? and keel those feral gatos.

today i plan on taking Roxy to mom and dad’s house to play with Blue Dog and Dude. she rides well in the jeep and she’s really good on a leash too! i’m telling ya, the prisoners training dogs thing is great!

***

Popsicle and Kevin the Plumber came by this morning and brought a giant doghouse*. Kevin is a Rockstar plumber, so if any of you locals need some plumbing call me and i’ll give ya his number ‘cos he is not only good looking, he is also very reasonable in price. and he doesn’t act like plumbing is this complicated thing, when he fixes something he explains it to you.
i make him sound like a hooker.
wow, can he lay some pipe.

*d’oh! the doghouse was Bosco’s house. Bosco is Best’s dog. i bought my house from Best. meaning: it seems like she moved the doghouse for nothing since we basically just brought it back here! and it’s a pain to move that thing because it’s SO BIG and HEAVY that the only way to get it in is to take part of my fence down.
d’oh!

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8.24.05

Category: dribblings

i had an interesting day that actually started one day last week. i received a phone call from this lady who happens to be an art professor at JSU. she was laura’s main prof. as laura took like, eleventeen of her classes. since i majored in something else i only took one of the lady’s classes because quite frankly, the lady intimidated the hell out of me. she’s very serious and perfectionistic and also british. and honestly, any time i was around her for any length of time (like 15 seconds) i’d end up tripping or dropping something or saying, “shit.” and that’s always embarrassing.

in fact, i remember one evening i was in the hall and i was trying to put my jacket on and i couldn’t get one arm into one of the sleeves and i was going around in circles chasing the sleeve down and when i finally got it on i triumphantly said, “a ha!” and there she was at the end of the hall looking at me like, “and they let you drive a car?”

but then years later i did some work for her at the sign shop and found out she was kinda normal and not at all the stern teacher she plays during the day. although she IS a perfectionist. but that’s true of most graphic designers, isn’t it?

then years later she found out i painted houses and so i ended up painting her house. all this to say that she called me the other day.
me: hello?
her: i jaimie!
me: hi, crazy lady!
her: i have a question for you.
me: okay, do you need some more painting done at your house?
her: well, actually yes, but that’s not why i’m calling.
me: oh. okay.
her: i have a friend who is an artist and she’s working on a fairly big project and she needs an assistant. and i wanted to give her your number.
me: okay…so…she needs her house painted?
her: no jaimie! i just thought you’d be the perfect person for the job!
me: what?!
her: she’s the best artist i know.
me: and you’d think i’d be good at being her assistant?
her: yes! i think you two will get on perfectly!
me: really? i’m not even qualified for something like-
her: oh, yes you are! she’s building a big installation piece and i think you’re going to love it!
me: well, that’s…something.
her: she’s a very serious artist and you came to mind when she said she needed-
me: wait! she’s serious? and you want to recommend me?
her: now jaimie, she’s a serious artist…that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a sense of humour.
me: well, alright. i guess you can give her my number.
her: great! ‘cos i already gave her your number and she’s going to call you in about 5 minutes!
me: …you fink.
her: you’re really going to get on fine with her.
me: all right. well, let me know when you’re ready for some painting.
her: oh, i will!

so anyway the artist lady (ms. p) called 30 seconds later and we made an appointment to meet today. she’s definitely a serious artist, but also? i can see how ms. c thought ms. p and i would get along. we are totally into the same stuff. very industrial looking projects. she is, of course, lightyears ahead of me, but i mean, she should be, y’know? she’s had lots more schooling than i have.

so it’s kind of like an interview, right? and she asks me what my hobbies are.
“um, well…i read. a lot. and i have a website that i guess would be considered a hobbie. and i juggle.”
then she asks me what books i’ve been reading. and i’m thinking, do i say House of leaves and then try to explain what it’s about? because…i don’t have that kind of vocabulary. so i told her some of the books i’ve been reading omitting HoL. then she brings up something about a book she made where she tried to incorporate hypertext, and i asked her if she’d ever heard of James Burke. and she had! in fact, one of his books was right by her computer! how crazy! so we jived on him for a bit.

well, 3 hours later we’re in her studio and i’m looking at her book shelves and i’ll be damned, there’s house of leaves! “oh my gosh! you have house of leaves?!”
“oh yes, that’s a great book!”
“i know! i’m reading it for the second time because it was just so amazing.”
“i read it twice too!”

anyway, long story short (yeah right) i hung out with that lady for like, 4 hours, and i guess i got the job.

but it’s not like an everyday job. it’ll be a once a week kinda thing. only bad part is that it’s in anniston.

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8.22.05

Category: dribblings

several things.

first thing.
part of jimmy’s tongue no longer has any feeling in it. he had some nerve damage when he had his wisdom teeth pulled last year. i can see that having a tonuge that is part numb all the time would be really annoying or weird, however, i mean, at least he’s not constantly drooling or something, right? and i told him this. and his response was to get a drinking straw and ask me to touch it to his tongue to see if he could feel it.
“jimmy.”
“it’s just…i want to see if i can feel it if i don’t know that something is touching it.”
“jimmy.”
“just do it.”
” ‘oh. what did you do last night jaimie?’ ‘oh you know, the usual.’ ”
“see, i can feel it there but not back there.”
“sounds fatal…how long did the doc give ya?”
“about 6 inches.”
“sknnt. you jerk.”

second thing:
phone conversation
me: hey i rented a movie.
him: what did ya get?
me: remember that whodunit thriller where angelina jolie was the badass cop and it was all sexy and mystery-y?
him: yeah, we saw that one.
me: i know. this time i got the one with ashley judd.
him: oh! yeah! with samuel l. muthafuckin’ jackson?
me: that’s the one.
him: cool.
me: remember how the one with angelina jolie had that awkward sex scene?
him: it wasn’t awkward. it was hot.
me: yes, i know. but it was awkward ‘cos we were watching it with my dad.

third thing:
Wedding Crashers is hilarious.
him: what was your favorite part?
me: *i won’t say what it was ‘cos i don’t want to spoil it for others. just know that i laughed like a hyena*
him: you’re a sucker for a sight gag.
me: i know!

and i AM a sucker for a sight gag. in fact, EVERY time i think of the scene in Scary Movie 3 where the lady sheriff is getting in the car and the brim of her hat gets bigger in each scene? i laugh! i’m laughing right now! i love crap like that.

fourth thing:
The 40 Year Old Virgin was also hilarious and better than i thought it was going to be. kinda like Anchorman, in that i knew it was going to be funny, but i didn’t know that it was going to be good. i love surprises like that!

fifth thing:
today i was painting at my hair dresser’s house and she’s got a little girl pro’ly 1 and a halfish in age. so the lady puts the girl down for her nap and i go in the kitchen to get something and so the lady and i are talking for about 2 minutes when out comes the little girl covered in white and holding white, drippy globs in both her hands.
lady: oh hell, she’s gotten into the shaving cream again.
me: *gasp* no…oh no…that’s…that’s paint.

the drippy globs she was holding up so proud? two pacifiers.
she must’ve dropped them into the paint bucket and gotten them back out and oh my sweet lord, it was a mess. paint was everywhere.
the horror…the horror.

it was actually pretty hilarious. thank God the lady had had surgery last week so she was on pain killers and so was very mellow. but i mean, it’s not like you can yell at a 1 year old for diving into paint…they don’t know anything.
but man, that kid is sneaky. she didn’t make a sound until she was right up on us. and we were probalby less than 10 feet away from the bathroom.
she’s my little Paint Monkey.
oh, and don’t worry, it was latex and it washed right off the kid.

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8.20.05

Category: dribblings

melon collie

i mowed the lawn at 8am this morning (sorry neighbors, but there was so much shade in my yard this morning that i wanted to get the mowing done before it was all in the sun. i’m sure you understand. right. like i need to apologize to you. i’ve got Miss Piss Bucket on the right, Condemned House That’s Falling Down on the left, and Some Asshole With the Dog Who Never Stops Barking somewhere behind. so really, if there’s a problem with my early morning mow, fuck you, and your little dog too.).

wow, it’s already Death Hot outside.

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8.17.05

Category: dribblings

crazy margaret came by this evening, at like, 9pm.
i was all, “margaret, it’s late. go home.”
“but wait i just gotta tell you this one thing…”
and she proceeds to tell me about 200 things and none of them make any sense. she told me that lola killed some of her cats. she started crying about that. then she said that lola will kill my cat. i told her my cat stays inside so it would be quite a trick for-
“no no! she’s mean and hateful and she’ll do it! she’ll kill it!”
“okay.”
“she’ll send a spider or snake over to-”
“okay margaret. um, you need to be careful going home, okay?”

i mean, she was going on about her neighbor that lives next to her has been pouring kerosene in her yard and that it got in her lungs and she had to go to the hospital and they gave her a breathing treatment and some of those medicines that you spray in your throat…
“an inhaler?”
“yeah! that’s it! they gave me 3 of those!”

and then she talked about how the firemen said that her neighbor shouldn’t be pouring the kerosene in the yard and that the people in the Habitat For Humanity house just picked up and left at 3am the other day but that if i had any trouble the guy on the corner over there…there…that house right there? he’s got a shotgun and he’ll shoot it if you need him to he used to do that for beth when she came home late and don’t be scared to be out here at night i’m not scared but you are scared aren’t you? why are you scared? i don’t know what you’re going to do when you get married i don’t know what to tell you you should call the city about this alley way and maybe they’ll come do something about it where’s the motion lights? why aren’t they coming on? i’ll bring some bulbs for it and my ladder and i’ll- but why not? i’ll fix it- but…well…i don’t know why she’s gotta be so hateful. the doctor told me i shouldn’t go over there anymore because of how nasty she is he says i’ll get sicker ‘cos of all the germs she hasn’t bathed but once since you moved in and she keeps wearing the same robe she won’t even dump her pee bucket she just leaves it on the porch i can’t keep anything down i keep throwing up the doctor said i still have fluid in my knee and he wanted me to have someone look at it but i know better and my bones are weak and they can’t put a screw in there it’ll never heal i can’t heal like i used to i never been to my son’s house but one night last week i woke up from a vision and i saw a man at a house with two yellow lights and i said, “lord! lord! look! there’s a man trying to get in that house!” and the lord said, “yes margaret i see him.” and i said, “well lord! lord! stop him! get him!” and he said, “margaret i’m taking care of it. you don’t need to worry about it.” and i told my son about that he asked if i’d ever seen his house and i said that no i don’t know where you live and he said that i had described his house so i’m tellin’ you jaimie if the lord shows me something then that means there’s danger and he keeps showing me that the door to that house right there is opened and that someone is in there probably a homeless person and they probably are harmless i’m not afraid of being out here at night i’m out here all the time and i stop robberies i stopped one last week but see i go to sleep around 6 o’clock and i get up around 3 or 4 in the morning so i see a lot of things that most people don’t see…

keeeee-rist. i mean, that’s just what i can remember.

i really need to tape that shit. The Margaret Monologues.

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8.16.05

Category: dribblings

today was oddly good. perhaps August is giving me a break? or just ran out of bullshit to throw at me? i’m not counting on it, but maybe time will tell.

at Lowe’s today, (i know. HATE! LOWE’S!) i couldn’t find the WD40. and of course i couldn’t find anyone who worked there to ask where it was. but then there’s this worker bee (a young dude, nice looking) on one of those portable staircases? and he’s taking down all this paint off the top shelf and i’m all, crap, i hate to interrupt this guy who is ACTUALLY working hard at something. but what the hell. i need WD40.
so i say, “excuse me?”
and he says, “yeah?”
and i say, “dude, where do you guys hide the WD40 around here?”
and he says, “i’ll show you.”

and so he climbs downs and we start walking. and walking. and walking. and…walking and holy shit, where the hell are we going?! we started out at the back of the paint section and now we’re at the end of the power tool section (those of you who go to the Gadsden store can see that that is quite a trek) and he says, “here it is.”
i say, “thank you, i’m sorry you had to walk all the way over here. i didn’t mean for you to-”
“hey, this is too much, you don’t need two giant cans do you?” because it was a display for the double package of WD40. and while i didn’t need that much WD40, i figured the other, smaller cans must be close by.
“Um, not really but i can-”
“hey! hey lou! where’s the small cans of WD40?!” he yells to the guy on the ladder at the other end of the tool section.
“they’re on the end of aisle 71!” lou yells back. holy lord, kill me now.
“here, let me show you-” says the young dude.
“oh that’s okay, it’s only 10 rows down. thank you so much for your help.” and the dude walks the 18 aisles back to his portable staircase. wow, what a nice young man. he’s either worked here for a long time or is brand new. ah, here we go…normal sized cans of-

“did you find them, okay?”
“wha-” oh my god…it’s…lou? “oh, yes sir, thank you so-”
“oh just look at this!” he motions at the shelf where i notice that there’s only two normal-size cans and one tiny can of WD40 left. “well, they did a dandy job of restocking last night didn’t they?” he says all sarcastically.
he’s right, i mean it looks like that shelf has been raped or something so i say, “well, maybe they did restock it, and you know, a bunch of people came in this morning…and they all needed WD40.”
lou chuckled. then he pointed to a box on the floor that was filled with cans of WD40 and i said, “or maybe they did a dandy job of restocking?”
he chuckled again.

anyway…Lowe’s kind of rocked today.

OMG. I AM IN BIZARRO WORLD!

then dad and i went to Johnson’s and i said to him, “be prepared to see people you know in here.” because everytime i go in there i see someone i know. usually old people from the Holy House. sure enough we saw an oldster from the HH and guess who else i saw?!
cookie magoo‘s best friend, angie! yay! she is so sweet. i even invited myself over to her house for supper and she was all, “sure! come by around 6:30!” and she gave me her address. ANGIE IS TOO SWEET.
also, she might be on the crystal meth ‘cos she told me she had been up since the day before yesterday and she was working the whole time and she also talked 90 miles an hour. i was all, “dude, what are you on?”
but she wasn’t really high (like me!) she just works all the time. ANGIE IS TOO SWEET FOR DRUGS. WHEN ANGIE LOOKS AT DRUGS THEY TURN INTO KITTENS.

that’s how sweet she is.

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08.15.05

Category: dribblings

on saturday night as i was settling in for bedtime, i had the TV turned on. my normal Fall Asleep to [adultswim] Regimen doesn’t work on saturdays ‘cos all they show is Anime and i’m sorry, i really am, i just DON’T GET IT. so as i laid there i flipped some channels. and NOTHING was on. it was the saddest. but then i landed on TVLAND. i didn’t even know i had that channel.

well, they were having a whole two-day marathon of Night Court. oh my gosh! do you remember that show?! i use to LOVE that show! so i must say i was quite smiley and happy as i started to watch it, remembering all the characters.
the lawyer guy obsessed with sex.
the dorky blonde.
the fun judge dude.
the sarcastic hateful black lady.
bull!

i made it through two episodes before i had to change it to whatever stupid motorcycle/muscle car building show was on Discovery. because you guys? Night Court? has got to be one of the WORST shows ever made. i mean, i think it’s worse than Daktari or Land of the Lost.

the writing? i mean, EVERY line HAD to be a joke COMPLETE WITH LAUGHTRACK.
i’m serious.
every. line.
that is absurd!
and the judge? he’s insane. and what is UP with the hat, dude? it’s 1984 and you ARE NOT Sam Spade, m’kay?
and Bull? lovable Bull? is functionally retarded. and really facking annoying.
the only character worth listening to is the sarcastic, hateful black lady. she had the best lines.

man, i used to LOVE that show, you know? i mean, i used to beg mom to let me stay up and watch it. and now, to see it again years later…and to see how bad it was? it’s weird. because, honestly, my tastes haven’t changed much since i was 8 years old. i like funny things. i like seeing people get hit in the head. i laugh at a fart EVERY time. okay last night, i was watching Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law and i was laughing my ass off. hard. my stomach hurt i laughed so much. this proves my point about my not having sophisticated tastes. so for me to be disgusted with Night Court tells you just how bad that show was/is.

i guess TV in the ’80s was limited? i don’t remember really. other than the Cosby Show, i have know idea what else i watched. mostly cartoons and PBS. my brother and i watched a lot of cartoons.
a lot of cartoons.

who am i kidding? i still watch a lot of cartoons.
hee. and so does leetle brather! everytime i call him he’s watching cartoons. Mucha Lucha! i just watched it!
this morning? who watched* Pokemon?
i did.
do you know what i don’t understand? Team Rocket. i don’t get those two at all. but that’s a rant for another day.

*in the mornings i have the tv on and i don’t suppose it’s fair to say that i “watch” it. it’s just on. so to say i “watched” pokemon is a little off, but the point is i could have had it on a different channel, but chose to keep it on ‘toons.
but while i eat my cereal i do sit and watch Krypto the Superdog. it’s cute. Baby Looney Tunes? hate.

***

this morning i watched** Reality Bites while i waited for the AC Man to show up and replace my thermostat. he never showed. (August strikes again!) anyway, that’s one of those movies where if it’s on i have to watch it. even though i really don’t it very much. i don’t like the main characters, they’re too…i dunno…egotistical or something. every time i watch it i like it less and less. so maybe one day it will come on and i won’t have to watch it.

oh! and i thought of another movie that if it’s on i have to watch it! it’s the..uh, shit. i just had it. the one with tom hanks and the girls baseball team? i LOVE that one! i love it so much i can’t remember it’s title!

**again, i did two loads of laundry and washed the dishes while i “watched” the movie.

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