The One About Jesus Christ, Where’s my Car?

Category: weekleez

The One About Jesus Christ, Where’s my Car?
Tuesday, July 10, 2001

tuesday sweeties, tuesday.

Ok you guys.  This is by far the most controversial Weekly ever.  i mention sex, drugs, rocknroll, racial issues, and i even use the word “gay”. if you think this might put you off, then i suggest not reading it. big baby.
i’m serious.  
REALLY.
i warned ya.  

By some strange twist of fate i was able to watch two (2) movies last week AND enjoy them. And although the movies were made decades apart they were so similar it was really scary. The first movie was Jesus Christ Superstar. The second movie was (blatantly a remake of JCS) Dude, Where’s My Car?  

i thought about just doing a movie review for each show but really, there are a ton of websites out there dedicated to reviewing movies and they do a better job then i ever could. We don’t need another cynical movie review anyway. www.mrcranky.com is good enough for me.   So instead i’ve decided to compare and contrast the two movies.  

The only main difference in the two flicks is one is a musical and the other is not. Other than that they are the same movie.   i know what you’re thinking, “Jaimie, there’s no way they are that similar. One of those movies is about the events that took place during Holy Week, and the other movie is about 2 slackers that have lost their vehicle and can’t remember anything they did the night before and also includes a subplot involving aliens and trans-gendered strippers.”  

um, like yeah.  

“But Jaimie! For the sake of Pete! JCS is based on the Bible! Surely you would not stoop so low as to compare..”
stow it, vera.  

Ok, let’s clear the air.  

i think when they say “based” on the Bible what they mean is that the screenwriters had a Bible in the room and would use it for things like, chronology, a few bits of dialogue, and for an occassional doorstop. Here’s a possible conversation among the two writers:  
“Hey, was Jesus crucified before or after he killed the rooster that Peter betrayed?”
“Dude, they crucified him? I gotta call Bob in the prop department…”
“Um, how many songs did Mary Magdalene sing to J.C.?”
“You mean before he died?”
“Yeah.”
“I dunno. Maybe it’s in Genesis… somewhere before that flood thing?’
“Dude! The flood was in that other Bible movie. Our show is from the New Testament…I think.”
“Man, don’t bore me with details! I need a word that rhymes with Hosanna…”
“Hey, remember that part in the Bible where Jesus goes to the temple and freaks out on the moneychangers and overturns their tables?”
“Yeah dude, why?”
“Did it say anything about him overturning a table full of machine guns?”
“Um, no. But it doesn’t say that he didn’t overturn a table full of machine guns!”
“Far out, man!” *high fives*  

yeah so i’m throwing the Bible thing right out. trust me, it’s easier.   so how are these movies so similar?  

JCS starts out with a busload of hippies.  The movie is basically these hippies acting out the parts where J.C. (that’s what the hippies in the movie call him) leads the people, last supper, Judas’s betrayal, his arrest, and crucifixion, and then the hippies get on the bus and thankfully go home. D,WMC? starts out with two stoners who need to find their car.   

see folks, these movies are about hippies and transportation.  

JCS is basically a dated movie.  The clothes, the hippies, and the jargon are quite “mod”. Por exemple, Judas wears the most “disco super-fly” leisure suit i’ve eva seen.  wakkachika wakkachika wakkachicka. And there’s a song where the disciples keep repeating “what’s the buzz? what’s happening?”  what’s the buzz?  feh? 
D,WMC? will most definetly be dated soon.  The clothes are random and the jargon is already pleasantly confusing.  “Shibby” i can only assume means, “cool” or “bad” or “what’s the buzz”.  i just don’t know.   

see folks, these movies are about dated hippie transportation and confusing random jargon.  

i know, i know.
“But Jaimie, really.  How can you compare a classic to a teen-movie that’s probably just about drugs and sex?”   true, D,WMC? does hint at sex and drugs.  Well, maybe it very blatantly approaches the subject of sex and drugs, however, there is in fact, no sex in this movie.  Just as there is no sex in JCS. Yet in JCS we see Mary M. constantly fondling and singing to J.C. and it really made me uncomfortable.  (i mean, really. hey lady! some breathing room for the Messiah?! feh.) As for the drugs, D,WMC? may have had drugs in it, i can’t remember.  And true there’s no mention of drugs in JCS, it’s obvious that drugs were part of the preproduction.   

see folks, these movies are about hippie jargon cars with dated sex, drugs, and rock’n’roll!  

yep. rock’n’roll.  JCS was a rockopera for cryingoutloud! and D,WMC? has an equally cheesy soundtrack.  

And where D,WMC? had a trans-gendered stripper, JCS had an orgy and Herod was quite a sissy. Also, JCS made the Roman Army (why did i capitalize army?) out to be quite prissy, what in their pink tanktops and chome helmets.  C’mon! the Village People weren’t even that gay! (look, you were warned.  not my fault you didn’t believe me.)  

see folks, these movies are about stoned-out happy people in cars singing about dated jargon and sex.  

Ok, one major difference in the two flicks is that JCS has machine guns and airplanes and D,WMC? has some aliens. (and for those of you whom have never seen JCS, yes, it really does have machine guns and air planes.)  

Another difference is that there is no cultural diversity in the cast of D,WMC? And what i mean by that is “only white people in this flick”. Whereas JCS has a very diverse cast.  Mary M. was a Native American. Simon was a…a… stoned hippie guy.  Judas was a Black man. and Christ was…a White dude.  hmmm.  Maybe not so diverse. Oh sure!  Make the black guy the betrayer!  

see folks, these movies are about stoned-out, jargon-spewing racists that depend on transportation to take them to their sex, drugs, and rock’n’roll.  

Hollywood makes me sick.  

Actually, i liked both of these movies, which kinda surprised me.  
They were comedies right?
DERP!    

next week’s epitomb: a 1963 Julia Child vs. a 1994 Martha Stewart in a steel death cage match!
GRUDGE MATCH!  

jaimie “nothing like a little Andrew Lloyd Webber bashing to do the soul some good” pickle

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The One About the American Revolution But Not Really

Category: weekleez

The One About the American Revolution But Not Really
Thursday, July 5, 2001

hi kids,  

sorry this is late.  wait a minute.  no i’m not.  it’s late because my modem was struck by lightening, caught on fire, drawn and quartered, and then stopped working.  so i’m not sorry at all.  i’m only sorry that i had to shell out more money on this “computer thing”.  feh.  

so i was going to make fun of the American Revolution this week but then as i was researching the topic i learned that this moment in history is both dull and boring and also it’s not very interesting.  no joke.  i was going to make a list of all the Intolerable Acts and the Townshend Acts and sorta make fun of ’em, but they weren’t very funny.  and it’s not like the colonists even paid any attention to them anyway.  so i mean, how intolerable is something that you don’t even obey?  feh?  

ok, and so the Boston Tea Party, right?  well, uhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  so there’s these guys, right?  and they dress up as native americans, right?  and they sneak into Boston Harbor and dump all the tea off of a British ship, right?  boy are they in trouble now!   

let’s see it from Britain’s side for a moment.  

Lord Grenville: “The bloody American colonists have got it bloody well made over there!  We saved their asses from the French and the Indians and they’ve YET to repay us!  Have they forgotten who their mother country is?”  

any MP at the time: “Hear! Hear!  The right honorable Lord Grenville is right!  They OWE us money!   Lord Grenville: “Let’s tax them to make up the difference!”  

Parliament: “harrumph harrumph harrumph QUITE RIGHT!”  

Charles Townshend: “Right, we’ll tax them AND make them house British soldiers.  They shouldn’t have a problem with that seeing as how we saved their asses so many time from the French and the Indians.  I’ll bet they’ll be ever so pleased to repay us for our kindness and the kindness of our soldiers.  After all, we supply them with many goods as well as peace of mind.”  

Back to the colonies.  

“da hell you say!”
“No taxation without representation, and all that jazz!”
“let’s have a tea party!”
“take THAT, tea!”  

back to Britain.  

Lord Grenville: *yawn* “They won’t pay taxes, they won’t house our soldiers, and the dumped all the tea into the harbor.” *sigh* “What do you guys wanna do?”  

Townshend: “eh, i don’t care, the king REALLY doesn’t care.”  *yawn*  “Say, where IS the king anyway?”  

Lord Grenville: “oh who cares?”  *yawn* “Let’s take away their charter or something.”  

Parliament: “Sounds about right.”  

feh.   

so the British EMPIRE loses 13 colonies along the new england coast and at the time nobody cared because hey, they own India and all the cool stuff there, they owned the good parts of Africa and ALL the diamonds there, they owned Canada which had all the same crap the 13 colonies had at the time (except tobacco) and they owned tons of islands in the carribbean and all the sugar there, which they used to make rum.   

so let’s get this straight.  They own ALL the TEA and SPICES, MOST of the WORLD’S diamonds, as much FISH and FUR as the  American colonists, ALL the RUM, and they continue to build the BIGGEST, HUGEST navy.  and you think “losing” 13 pain in the ass colonies is going to upset these guys?   

it certainly was an “american” revolution wasn’t it?
1.  we whined ’til we got our way.
2. we vandalized some stuff and tried to blame it on some Indians.
3. we polluted a harbor.
4. and we managed to work ourselves up over a catchy slogan.  

all in all a pretty good fight, eh?  not really but who cares.    

sorry to be so short this week.  and too bad i don’t know enough about american history to write something about it.  i never liked american history.  heck, i’m not that into american “present”.  i don’t even know what our vice president looks like. how sad is that?  i couldn’t pick him out of a line-up if it was just him and one other guy.  “yeah, it’s the old, white man!  he’s the vice president!  no wait!  it’s the old, pasty, bald, white man! no… it’s the old, white guy with the suit and tie!… it’s ….” 

oh who cares.    

i hope you had a happy forth of the july  

next week’s epitomb: JESUSchristSUPERstar!  

jaimie “they taxed lead?  what kind of people are these!?!” pickle

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The One About Dangerous Places

Category: weekleez

The One About Dangerous Places
Tuesday, June 26, 2001

‘allo keeds.  heeeer eez da veekly. enyoy.  

it’s summertime now, and with summer comes vacation.  vacation = travel.  travel is good.  travel is fun. it’s good and fun when it’s safe, right? well, thank god that the the state department has issued some travel warnings urging americans to avoid certain areas.  apparently there are some really dangerous places out there.  

and we can thank god again that the associated press has published an article about these warnings including a list of the countries and areas to avoid. here’s the list,
Afghanistan, Albania, Algeria, Angola, Bosnia-Herzegovina, Burundi, Central African republic, Colombia, Congo, Guinea-Bissau, Indonesia, Iran, Iraq, Israel – the West Bank and Lebanon, Gaza, Liberia, Libya, Macedonia, Nigeria, Pakistan, Republic of Congo, Sierra Leone, Solomon Islands, Somalia, Sudan, Tajikistan, Yemen, and finally, Federal Republic of Yugoslavia.  

thanks for the warning you guys! perhaps the state dept. and AP could combine their efforts and do something really helpful like wipe the drool from our chins before tucking us in at night.
really, every country on that list has either been at war with it’s violent, border country (under pretext of a religious war or “just because”) or has been enduring it’s own civil war complete with tyrannical, oppressive government, bloodthirsty rebels, and zero economy since BEFORE the united states became a country.  

so here, for your reading pleasure, are descriptions of ten (10) countries from the list.  i’ve done just enough research on these countries to know that i know NOTHING about these countries thus making me an expert. and i’m not here to paint a bleak picture of these countries (ha), you can decide for yourself if these places sound dangerous, adventurous, romantic, or even quaint!  at the end of each description you’ll find a quote from a travel poster of that country.   

in no particular order, except that i did save afghanistan for last:  

10. Pakistan. If you like to hike, this is the place for you!  The Islamic Republic of Pakistan has some of Asia’s most beautiful landscapes.  Or perhaps you’d like to sample some of the culture and history? I hope you’re into martial law and Islam! But if not, I won’t tell if you won’t tell!  Some of Pakistan’s biggest industries include robbery and gun-running, both of which you, being an American, will get to experience first hand!
“Come experience the awsome landscapes, cultural diversity, incredible history, and communal violence that is simply Pakistan!”  

9. Albania.  Lush mountain forests, incredible blue Adriatic waters, and the warm Mediterranean sun more than make up for it’s rampant crime, assassinations, and “Soviet-style inefficiency”.  In fact, you’ll never run out of things to do in Albania.  Romantic walks along the sandy Adriatic coast are a must.  Or take a tour of one of the many vineyards, mosques, or Chinese sweatshops!
“Albania. So much to do, so little time.”  

8. Colombia. From Caribbean beaches to Andean valleys, this is the place for a true traveler. Beautiful scenery, relaxing coastline, and cocaine cartels are all part of the charm that Colombia has to offer.  And boy, does Colombia ever like American tourists! Why, in 1998 alone, at least 2000 people were kidnapped while on holiday in Colombia! Take that Argentina!
“Steeped in myth, mysticism, and guerrilla insurgency….ah! Livin’ la vida Locombia!”  

7. Sierra Leone. Nothing says, “maybe this wasn’t such a good idea” like the costal belt of mangrove swamps, oppressive heat, and sandstorms of Sierra Leone. And if the environment doesn’t kill you the bloody civil war will!  And while child prostitution is rampant, be sure to bring the kids, if you find yourself in a bind, you’ll have something to barter with until you can reach the Liberian border!
“Follow your heart and the Guinean refugees to Sierra Leone, you won’t live to regret it!”  

6. number 6 was going to be Macedonia, but seeing as how there’s never a number 6, well. Macedonia gets the shaft. again. “400,000 Albanian refugees agree, The Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia is the place to be!”  

5. Congo. Once again Africa proves that “Hey, we aren’t embarrassed of our widespread slaughter of civilians!” Various militias, government troops, and Belgian civil law, what do these all have in common? The Ivory Coast baby! A relaxing adventure of sun, sea, and gunfire. 
“Ethnic strife? Civil war? We have a cease-fire now! Welcome to the Democratic Republic of the Congo. Now stop calling us Zaire, dammit!”  

4. Burundi. This small central African nation has much to boast about.  If you enjoy tribal warfare, ethnic violence, and political assassinations then this is the place for you. But be careful! If you are injured during one of the political election celebrations/protests/assassinations chances are you won’t make it to the hospital, and even if you did there wouldn’t be any room for you as the hospitals are all filled with AIDS patients while the goverment denies there’s an AIDS problem at all!
“Burundi. If you can’t take the heat, flee to Rwanda.”  

3. Guinea-Bissau. This western African nation is now enjoying a surprising outbreak of…peace? You can fully enjoy the North Atlantic coastline in relative peace and quiet.  You can bask in the warmth of it’s tropical charm.  And remember to experience the now impoverished country to it’s fullest extent, you can even share a bowl of rice or a disease with a native!
“Give us a couple of years, we’ve got democracy and unexploited deposits of petroleum!”  

2. Tajikistan. This newly formed central Asian republic has a lot going for it these days.  The Pamirs provide many chilling and thrilling high-altitude activities all year ’round. Unfortunately the Pamirs is all Tajikistan has to offer.  It’s landlocked so there’s no sandy beaches to enjoy.  There’s no romantic coastline.  And considering that it’s surrounding countries are China, Uzbekistan, Kyrgyzstan, and Afghanistan, well, i’d stay away from the borders if i were you.  Since the economy is shot to hell you might want to bring lots of things to trade as cash is pretty much worthless here! Poverty and desperation are just some of the charms you’ll experience. The kidnappings and random shootings are bonus!
“Come enjoy the incredible sights and heights of the Pamirs. And then go home.”  

1. Afghanistan. A must see for the die-hard traveller. And believe me, you will die! Not only will you get to see Islamic fundamentalists at their worst, but you’ll see (first hand) the Taliban at it’s best! What’s the difference you ask? i can’t tell! You’ll witness extreme spectacles of their “new” medieval judicial system at work! But be careful! Don’t steal so much as an apple from a cart or they’ll chop your hand off! And by no means look at a man’s wife. They’ll kill you AND the wife as well because they HATE you AND women!  And don’t forget to catch a show while you’re there! There’s the mass hangings, which always draw a crowd, or you can hear Tomkabul Jonesov sing one of his popular songs such as, “She’s a lady…whoa, whoa, whoa, she’s a lady…kill her kill her DIE! DIE! DIE!” Remember, the Taliban wants to sell you drugs to support its wars, so be sure to contribute to the flailing economy. And be sure not to mention that the Islamic leadership is merely a front to to win over Pakistani interests.  Just be glad that Pakistan doesn’t want any friends!  But really, there’s nothing to stop you from having a good time in Afghanistan, except for the vicious war, earthquakes, public stonings, and, if you’re a woman, the Taliban.
Think about it guys, if there’s a possibility that at any point during your vacation you might utter the words, “Once we make it to the Iranian border we’ll be ok.” just DON’T go there.
“Afghanistan, loving but firm. Mostly firm.” or  “Embassy? What embassy?! BAHhahahahahahahahaha!” or “HEY! I saw her ankle! kill her kill her DIE! DIE DIE!”  

what have we learned today kids? stay away from africa and asia and any country that starts with the letter A or ends with -stan. but mostly the africa thing.
also stay away from countries with really long official titles like, The New Former Republic of the Democratic Republic of the People’s Well Thought Out Republic of the Warring Countries of the Almost Free Land of Albanafghanangolastan.  

just a thought.  

next week’s rant: maybe i’ll make fun of the U.S. seeing as how it’ll be the week of the 4th of the July.   

jaimie “i went to tajikistan and all i got was this lousy t-shirt, thank god.” pickle    

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The One About the Eye Doctor

Category: weekleez

The One About the Eye Doctor
Tuesday, June 19, 2001

Greetings you silly nillies,  

I went to the eye doctor this week. So apparently this is The One About the Eye Doctor.    

Man, what an expensive venture. The cost of frames is insane. What kills me is that i’m not trying to be fashionable, oh heavens no. i mean, you guys know me, i’m a moron when it comes to style, right?  But geez, they make you shell out at least $200 just to keep you from looking like a complete dork.  But the part about the frames comes later. i gotta rant about the exam first.  

Part of the exam involves eye drops.  These evil droplets make your pupils very large so that the doctor can see inside your eye.  And so maybe i’m not crazy about people putting things in my eyes. So this lady is comin’ at me with these eye drops and i ask, “Whoa, what’s going on?”
She says,”I’m gonna put these drops in your eyes.”
And so i say, “You and what army?”
She just stares at me.  
So i ask, “Will the drops sting?”
And she says,”No. But they might burn a little.”
So i immediately make a break for the door. But this lady, she’s fast and she holds me down and manages to put a drop of acid in my left eye. i, of course, scream. “Might burn?! This is awful!”
“Hold still, I gotta do the other eye.”
“No way! That stuff hurts!”
“It’s not that bad, you big baby.”
Harrumph.  

So the drops kick in and my pupils are the size of quarters and all i want to do is sit in a dark cave and the lady says, “While we wait for the drops to start working let’s go pick out your frames.”
“Uhhhhhhh, how am i supposed to pick out frames when i’m blind?”
Again she stares.  

Now we’re looking at frames and she’s throwing all these options at me, and i can’t see anything, and it’s really bright, and can i please go back into the dark room now? Unfortunately, none of the frames are fitting right.  So she leads me to a different corner of the room with these other frames. And i’m struggling really hard to focus and keep my eyes opened but it’s rather difficult. Then i notice 3 circular blobs that look kinda like a blurry Mickey Mouse head.
Oh my God. i’m in the children’s section, aren’t i?

“Oh my God. i’m in the children’s section, aren’t i?”
“Um, yes. These will fit better on your head.”
Ok it’s true, i have a pin head.  But damn if it doesn’t irk me when a stranger points it out. feh.  

So she finally picks out some frames for me then leads me back to the dark room. ah sweet relief.

Then she comes at me with more drops! These drops were not painful, but they were thick.  i think she put honey in my eyes. And she hands me a Kleenex so i immediately wipe my eyes and she says, “No! Don’t wipe your eyes!” Now my eyes and my lusciously long eyelashes are covered in some kind of sticky mystery goop and i think part of the Kleenex is stuck to my eye as well.  And every time i blink my lashes stick together, and how gross is that? feh.  

i fail my eye exam and my eyes are screwed for the rest of the day.  But the doctor assures me that when i get my glasses i’ll be able to see and everything is gonna be so great.  i can’t wait!  

A couple of days later i go to pick up my glasses.  I’m kinda scared because i really have no idea what they’re gonna look like, and i swear if i look like Harry Potter someone’s going down.  
So the lady whips out these glasses and before i can even see them she slaps ’em on my face and makes a quick assessment of, “The right side needs adjusting.” That’s funny ’cause for the .3 seconds i’ve had them on they feel fine.  But before i can say anything she snatches the glasses from my face and grabs this obnoxious pair of pliers and takes to bending and twisting the LEFT side of my glasses.  

i open my mouth and point and, “Hey, wait. That’s the left….”
Then she smashes the glasses back on my face completely stunning me and derailing my train of thought. Now the glasses are TOTALLY ASKEW in that the LEFT side is now 3/4 of an inch HIGHER than the right side and they HAVE GOT to look completely ridiculous, and in a too cheerful voice she asks, “How’s that?”  

So i do the right thing.  

With my glasses at a 45 degree angle to my face i look her dead in the eye, smile, and say in my most perky voice, “It’s perfect!”

And i turn to leave before she can make another grab for my glasses because i don’t think the poor things could take another round with her meaty hands of destruction.  

“Oh wait!” she calls back, “I forgot to give you a case for your glasses.”
“oh. ok”
“Hmmmmmm, oh! You got the Joboxers!”
“i beg your pardon?”
“So you get the Joboxer case!”
“i do?”
“Aaaaaaaannnd a Joboxer pencil!”
“A pencil? For my glass…”
“Aaaaaaaannnd a Joboxer notepad!”
So i says, “Wow! Do the gifts ever stop?!” And i somehow manage to get outta that place and into my car while juggling a Joboxer glasses case, a Joboxer pencil, and a Joboxer notepad along with my checkbook and car keys all the while i can’t see ’cause my glasses are on inside out and upside down and a little to the right and back and to the left. i finally peel out of the parking lot thinking, “What the hell’s a joboxer?”

Yeah, so as i’m trying to un-balloon-animal my glasses nack to normal so they’ll fit on my wee noggin i notice that “Joe Boxer” has been engraved over every “square inch” of the frames and so now i see why she kept saying “Joboxer!” silly ain’t it?  

So my new glasses, while not being cool at all, do prevent me from looking like Buddy Holly or God forbid, Harry Potter.  Unfortunately they might be a bit “Weakest Link-ish”, it’s a close call. (dig how i made a game show into an adjective? i own this language.)  

Now i’m staring at the tiny writing on my new spectacles, and i can’t think of any reason that they should engrave the brand name on these frames at all ’cause really, no one will ever see it.   

Does advertising ever stop?    

Man, i hope not! i’d be out of a job!  

And if i didn’t have a job i couldn’t afford these smashing, slightly bent, nearly fashionable glasses.
feh and double feh!  

next week’s episode: i make fun of an article that i saw in the newspaper…. and several countries as well!  

Here’s a bit of homework for all of you. i want to do a Weekly on prefixes, but i can’t think of that many prefixes so if you guys can think of some and E-mail them to me that would be fabulous and you’d be a complete star for helping me out.
And by ‘prefix’ i’m talking about the word part, not the numbers that are involved in locations or ham radio or whatever.  

jaimie “meaty hands of destruction” pickle

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The One About the Weakest Link

Category: weekleez

The One About the Weakest Link
Tuesday, June 12, 2001

hi kids,    

so i’m gonna take a stab at pop culture this week.  let me preface by saying that i really hate TV, and i barely watch it.  honestly.  and when i do watch the tube it’s generally cartoons or Martha Stewart or In Search of… The Shroud of Turin.  so it was by complete accident that i saw part of an episode of The Weakest Link last Monday.  

i was appalled.   

it’s a fast-paced gameshow with a rather stern host.  and by ‘stern’ i mean ‘tyrannical’.  i’m sure you’ve seen or at least heard of this show and it’s oppressive hostess.  the hostess is a tiny British woman (i assume, uh oh, she’s tiny. she doesn’t look very tall).  she wears this long, black, scary outfit.  it’s long and black.  i really can’t describe it better than that. sorry.  the really scary part is that she looks like she could be anyone’s mother or aunt or librarian, but they dress her like a nazi scientist from the ’30s.
quite disturbing.

it was really hard to watch the show as she kept insulting all the contestants.  she smirked a lot, as if she enjoyed insulting the pathetic losers….er…contestants.   if she had been wearing leather gloves and had a German accent i don’t think i could have stand to watch it at all.

luckily she doesn’t wear gloves and double luck, she’s British, so everything that came out of her mouth seemed clever as well as cutting.    so i thought, “well, i really gotta write a Weekly about this.”  i would be a fool not to.  

but i had only seen half of one show which makes me a *sigh* newbie. ( i hate that word so much. “Newbie” feh. “hi! i’m a newbie so be nice!” oh shut it.) so for research purposes i watched it again last night.  whaaaat? it was research.  

ok so the host, Anne “fireball” Robinson, that’s Mistress Robinson to you and me, plays her role as evil hostess and she’s all in black and she’s got on those tiny little glasses and she’s spewing caustic (wink) remarks, from her tiny drawn up mouth, at the morons…uh… contestants, and by golly i just want to hate her so much!  
i mean, REALLY!  

who does this cynical, petty, vile, currish, degrading shemp think she is anyway?   i’ll tell you who this mean, evil, wicked, nasty is.  i’ll give you ten.  

10. she’s anyone who has ever watched Millionaire and has shouted at the TV, “I can’t BELIEVE you missed THAT! And you’re a TEACHER??”  or “You had to use a bloody lifeline for THAT?!”   

9. she’s anyone who’s watched Wheel of Fortune and said, “The answer is SO OBVIOUS!  Are you BLIND or just STUPID!?”   

8. she’s anyone who’s watched The Price is Right and said, “$6.99 for a box of macaroni? Who prices this crap?!”  

7. The $25,000 Pyramid, “It’s ‘things you find in a *fill in blank*’ ! How hard can that be?!”  

6. not tonight, not ever.  

5. Name That Tune, “Four notes? I could name that tune in one note you pathetic git!”  

4. Jeopardy, “You NEVER make it a “true” Daily Double when the category is Ballet!  Are you INSANE?!”  

3. Win Ben Stein’s Money, “Any goober could answer these questions correctly! Where’s the challenge?!”  

2. Supermarket Sweep, “Who watches this filth, let alone participates?”   

1. Hollywood Squares, “Hollywood Squares? Isn’t there ANYTHING else on? The Love Boat? The Weakest Link? ANYTHING?!”    

that’s right. how can we be shocked and horrified at this minute, insult-hurtling shrew when in fact, you and i are that wee meanie! we’re just jealous that WE don’t get paid to yell at the wretched, screwball contestants, and SHE does.  

and maybe we can justify ourselves by saying that we would NEVER insult the greedy moron contestants OUT LOUD or on NATIONAL TELEVISION for crying out loud!  but really, doesn’t that make us cowardly meanies? somehow, being a brave meanie is more intriguing and dare i say, admirable? hmmm?  

well, if anything, it’s marketable.  

they should take it one step further and have her carry a whip.  she should go totally dominatrix on them.
“Nathan!  You’ve been voted the Weakest Link.  Lick my boots, pigdog!  goodbye.”  

oh, who cares?  

next week’s epitomb: jaimie owes the library 20 cents  

jaimie “thuhhhhhhhh weakestlink!” pickle    

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The one about the MacVac

Category: weekleez

The one about the MacVac
Tuesday, June 5, 2001

 

‘allo keeds,  

Let me tell you about the sweeper that Laura “That’s not an elf! It’s a gnome!” Bentley bought.  It’s kinda…. cute?  

But first let me tell you this way cool thing. It was way cool to me anyway and i simply MUST share.  

i was at a friend’s house last week and i got the most awesome complement of all time.  We had just eaten a quick, nasty, horrible supper (Flaco Flell) and i had a large 144 oz (or so) pepsi to drink and well needless to say i had to use the bathroom.  i excused myself and walked into the bathroom and immediately burst into laughter.  For on the top of the toilet laid a Weekly and all the Nancy Drew stuff. 
How cool is that?!  i love it!
hey, if it’s in the loo, it must be entertaining.  

Right, back to Laura’s sweeper.  

Laura wanted a vacuum cleaner.  So a group of us piled into a car and trekked to the “Flofter Flide” of Flears.  While we were there we pointed and laughed at all the silly sweepers and Laura proceeded to buy the cutest, silliest sweeper they had. 

Today’s vac’s seem to be more aerodynamic and suped up.  i was looking for one made by Briggs and Stratton but apparently they haven’t branched out into home appliances.  “Honey, can you pick up some motor oil while your out? I need to vacuum today.”  

Anyway, this whole “vacuum cleaner” thing is a new concept for me as we didn’t have one of those heavy, bulky contraptions when i was growing up.  In fact, mom and dad just bought an actual sweeper this year.  That’s not to say we didn’t sweep the house. We had (and the ‘rents still have) Central Vacuuming.  Maybe you’ve heard of this? It’s almost a good idea.  

There’s a machine hidden somewhere in the house and it’s connected to most of the rooms in the house by way of a really big secret.  i dunno how that machine works.  All’s i know is, you plug the hose into these “secret holes” in the house and all of a sudden the hidden machine turns on and the open end of the hose starts sucking air.  It’s mostly magic, i think.   

The only time i ever saw “real” vacuum cleaners was on TV.  The ladies (never men) in the commercials would always have such an easy time of sweeping their houses. Meanwhile i would see mom struggling to reach the far corners of each shag-carpeted room while trying not to trip over 12 feet of hose. Like i said, almost a good idea.   

So my roommate buys a sweeper.  And it looks like an iMac with plastic wheels and a blue hose.  We call it the MacVac. i took pictures. 

i’m not sure why they designed it to look like a technological machine/appliance when it most certainly is “just a sweeper”.  i suppose they’re just marketing it for the post-modern consumer, the buyer of the digital age. And i know you’re thinking, “But Jaimie, it’s just a vacuum cleaner. Relax.”
Bu- bu – but it DOES look like an iMac!  That’s very silly!   

It has a random cord sticking out of it that looks like a phone cord!   It’s as if we could plug it up and dial in to the dirt and dust. 
As if it would download the microscopic dust heathens via Internet.   

i mean, do we set it to vacuum at 72 dpi or do we go “whole hog” and try for 600 dpi knowing it’ll be cleaner but will take longer?  And when saving the downloaded dust and filth do we use Mac or IBM formatted disks? Will the cord to the USB port be long enough to reach the farthest corner of the room?  Will the MacVac need it’s own hub to run each of it’s attachments? And why is it when you install software that comes with a peripheral it always pops up a message asking you if you want to download the upgrade? “Would you like to download the newest version of Adobe PhotoVac 2.01?” i don’t know! i don’t know!  

All i know is, if we get one more ERROR 404 FILTH NOT FOUND messages, there will be hell to pay.  

Oy, and the darn thing didn’t come with a driver either!  i called the 800 number and was on hold for 15 minutes.  Of course it didn’t matter, Product Support was of no help.  They kept asking stupid questions like, “Is your computer turned on?” “Has it detected new hardware?” “Did you leave a disk in the A drive?” “Why did you connect the vacumm cleaner to the computer?”
*sigh* morons.  

Ok, so maybe i embellished a bit.  But the vac really does look all computery.  

i’m thinking of inventing a sweeper for the next generation.  The machine part will fit on your back and look like a cool jet pack.  Meanwhile the hose and attachment will fit on your arm and extend about 2 ft so it will look like a giant arm cannon.  So while you sweep the house you look like a videogame or comic book hero battling the war against filth!  neat-o huh?    

And now for something completely interesting.  

i received an interesting email this week and i knew i would have to share it with everybody as it is by far the strangest thing i’ve read/heard of/seen in a while.  The email came from Wendy “she works hard for the money” Mukluk, an artist who lives in Wisconsin. (Hi Wendy!)   Apparently the college where Wendy works has a botany department that has a titan arum, which is a “rare giant flower” or more accurately a “rare, scary, stinky, my-god-they-call-it-a-corpse-flower? flower”.  And well, it’s the coolest thing i’ve seen all week.   

Wendy sent a whole article (written by Terry Devitt) about it.  Here are a few excerpts:  

“The titan arum or “corpse flower”, noted for a malodorous stench given off by blooms that can have a diameter of as much as four feet, is exceedingly rare among cultivated plants.”  

“The plant grows from a tuber that can weigh as much as 170 pounds.”  

“The plant, whose scientific name is Amorphophallus titanum, is a member of the same family that includes calla lilies and philodendrons. It may bloom only two or three times during a 40-year life span.”  

“But one of the plant’s most unusual features, in addition to its size, is the extraordinary smell: At the moment when the titan arum’s pollen is receptive, the spadix actually heats up from within and gives off a powerfully malodorous stench of rotting fish — perfect for attracting the carrion beetles and sweat bees that pollinate it.”  

But the coolest thing of all is that she sent a link to the botany dept.’s live webcam of the stinky flower beast! http://arum.doit.wisc.edu/
so now you too can see this awful, wonderful nature thing!  And learn more about it too.
And as it is a live webcam you might want to check it out during the day because you won’t get to see much at night.  

The only thing that would be cooler than that flower is if i could somehow get Wendy to go back and check out the flower (at a set time) and wave at the webcam so i could save the picture and well, i dunno what i’d do with it but i dare say that would be even cooler than finding a Weekly in a complete stranger’s bathroom!  

Thanks be to Wendy, for the cool article.   

next week’s episode: i sold my soul to the radio station. why did i do that?  

FYI: i used the word, or a modified form of the word, COOL 10 times in this email, counting this one.    

jaimie “almost a good idea” pickle      

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The one about uncle chuck

Category: weekleez

The one about uncle chuck
Tuesday, May 28, 2001

hey you crazy, kooky kids,  

i spent all my time reading the Nancy Drew and updating that today and so i really didn’t get a chance to come up with a weekly.  But not to worry.  It’ll come to me. Rome wasn’t built in a day y’know. Isn’t that cool? “Rome wasn’t built in a day” therefore my procrastination has been justified.  i mean, you wouldn’t ask ancient imperial ROME to write one of these in a 24 hour time span would you? Like you could get an appointment with Rome in the first place.  

So i was going to write one about my Uncle Chuck.  i was going to tell some of his hilarious stories about the navy but i can’t remember any of them. Well, maybe just one.  

Chuck was in the war.  

Ok, now you guys know me, i’m not about to start making fun of war.  War isn’t funny.

Well, the Hundred Years War does have some funny parts to it but mostly war is serious. 

Especially when you talk about the Vietnam War.  Lot’s of people don’t like to talk about that war.  But this isn’t about war, it’s about CHUCK.  

Chuck was in the Navy during the Vietnam War.  He was on a big boat called the U.S.S. Waccamaw  which is named after a river in South Carolina.  One thing you should always remember: when asking questions or talking with people who were/are in the Navy, you never say “big boat”.  They hate that. “It’s a SHIP!” So keep that in mind.  

During that time he was guarding the perimeter. Well that’s what he told me. Anyway, he was stationed in Naples during the war. i know what you’re thinking, “But isn’t Naples like, in Italy or something?”
Yes, yes it is.
“But Vietnam isn’t anywhere near…”
No, no it’s not.
Perimeter.  

On all the big boats (SHIPS they’re not boats, they’re SHIPS!) there must be a certain number of life jackets.  The life jackets are sort of self-inflatable. You push a button or pull a string or something and a CO2 cartridge goes off and the vest inflates.  Simple. In order to reuse the life vests they made the CO2 thingy easily removable. 

So basically this boat is full of young guys right?  You can imagine the possibilties. 
They would remove the unused CO2 cartridge and somehow they would pop them so the thing would launch into the air.  They would often try to aim for sea gulls. Naval sports. Chuck says that not one life vest was in working order.  

Anyway i wish i had more funny stories for you but i didn’t want to make Chuck or the Navy seem like a bunch of morons.  That’s all i need, a branch of the U.S. military on my case, or Chuck for that matter. He’s got the Mighty Claw.  

One other Chuck related note. He used to have a neighbor that had a speech impediment.  Nothing ot be ashamed of, these things happen.
Anyway, this lady couldn’t say chuck. She pronounced it ‘suck’.  the bad part is that, well, let’s say he’s working on his car and she’s across the street working in her yard and she wants to say ‘hello’ or ask him a question or something. She had no problems with yelling across the street, “Hey Suck!”  
She also makes sicken sawad sanwenses.  

i have updated the Nancy Drew page. 
Now you can read about chapters 1 – 15. 
i’ve almost got the whole thing read. Hopefully by the end of the week. 

http://pickle.fleegan.com/nancydrew.html go and have fun.  

Unfortunately my brain is not working anymore. i blame Laura and this webpage mostly www.popcap.com beware, it’s addictive. NO REALLY. DON’T PLAY THOSE GAMES.  You’ll stop eating and bathing and working.  You will become a slug.
hello, my name is jaimie pickle… and i’m a slug.  

next week’s episode: six kids vs. a cave. who will win?  

jaimie “hey, don’t blame me. Rome wasn’t built in a day.” pickle  

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The one About Nancy Drew

Category: weekleez

The one About Nancy Drew
Tuesday, May 22, 2001

hi kids,  

So last week’s email wasn’t really funny or anything however, i did get a ton of responses. Mostly the emails were shaming me for making fun of Nancy Drew. Jennifer “green thumb” Finlayson gave me the evil eye. THE EVIL EYE!!  (Which of course scared me into using proper capitalization this week.) What? It was spooky.  

i fully intended on writing an email this week about how cool and great the Hardy Boys are compared to the perfect, little, blonde haired, blue-eyed, WASPy Nancy bloody Drew.  
Shocking isn’t it?
i mean, people think that because i’m a girl i’m supposed to be on Nancy’s side? No way. Nancy’s weak. Isn’t she?  

Let’s compare these teen super-sleuths.  

The Hardy Boys have over 375 titles in several different series. They’ve inspired 4 TV shows (one was a cartoon). There has even been stage plays written (too far). And i won’t even go into coloring books and games. They’ve also been published in many different languages.
There’s even Norwegian Hardy Boys.  (i’m dying to know if they changed their names from Frank and Joe to Frankel and Johan or something like that.)  

But you know what? Nancy’s got all that stuff too. In fact, Nancy’s got her own webpage. You can even play a video game. You have to get Nance through a “tough” maze by collecting magnifying glasses. www.nancydrew.com  
So i’ll try it from a different angle.  

Frank and Joe Hardy live in Bayport, a fictional town in some state that they never name.
Nancy lives in River Heights, also no state is given.   Frank has dark hair and Joe has blonde hair. Nancy has blonde hair and blue eyes.   Frank and Joe live with their mom and dad.  Their dad is a secret agent and he’s usually never at home although they always seem to run into him when their solving a mystery. Their mom is usually at home and she never has anything to do with the plot other than to make the boys some sandwiches.  Also their Aunt Gertrude (father’s sister) lives with them.  She is in the series more than the mother is.   

Nancy’s mom is dead. Her father is a lawyer and he’s usually out of town on business. There is a housekeeper, Hannah Gruen. But for the most part Nancy runs around unsupervised living as a rich kid. She drives a blue roadster.
What’s a roadster?  

Frank and Joe do not have a car so they have to bum rides from their friend Chet. Chet is the good natured “fat kid” stereotype and their other friend, Biff, is the athletic friend stereotype. The Hardy’s didn’t have a car but they DID have their own power boat.  I never understood that.

Nancy also had stereotype friends. George and Bess.  They are cousins. George is the athletic girl (butch?) and Bess is the sweet, fat girl. Nancy, is of course, the perfect medium.  And that’s why we hate Nancy.  

Frank and Joe both have girl friends that they barely date and who are barely in the series.  Remember, this is the ’50s. Girls are icky. And besides, there’s a mystery to be solved!  

Nancy has a boy friend, Ned Nickerson. What a horrible name! He sounds like a goofus.  And in the series, Ned was indeed a goofus. He was never as clever as Nancy and he only served to take her out to dances when the occasion arose. Ned Nickerson was weak. I hate when they make characters purposely weak.  

Frank and Joe built their own crime lab.  

Nancy could solve mysteries, sew, dance, she was athletic, knew things about mechanics, horseback riding AND she could cook.

She’s not human. She’s like an Emily Post/MacGuyver/Xena/Martha Stewart femme-bot.  

And it turns out, i’m insanely jealous.  Not jealous of the whole Em/Mac/Xena/Martha Stewart thing, i got all those down pat, i’m just jealous that she’s out there getting to solve super mysteries while i’m stuck making signs all day. 
Nancy doesn’t go to school or have a job, ever, and frankly, i’m just itchin’ to solve a mystery!  

But really who cares?

Because you see, i did some super sleuthing of my own.  And no matter how great i think the Hardy Boys were or how great Nancy Drew might be it really doesn’t matter at all because they were all concieved by the same man, Edward Stratemeyer.  That’s right.  They’re all the same.  Stratemeyer also “invented” the Dana Girls, Tom Swift, the Rover Boys and the Bobbsey Twins (just to name a few).  

Ok.  So Stratemeyer invented the characters but he didn’t write the books.  The Hardy’s were written by Franklin W. Dixon and Nance was written by Carolyn Keene, right?  right?!  
Nay, nay my friend, nay, nay.  

Dixon and Keene aren’t even psyeudonyms. Those people don’t even exist at all.  The Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew were written by a multitude of writers (male AND female) and some of the ghost writers even wrote for both series.  Will the madness ever end?  

What have we learned from super sleuthing?
That we can shatter our ideals by digging up needless information.  

Both of the series were first written in the 1930s and when they revised the books in the 1950s they had to change some of the jargon and omit racial stereotypes.  That’s right, the Hardy’s and Nancy Drew were a tad on the antisemetical side.  SHOCKING.  

But i am willing to admit defeat.  Nancy Drew is cool as all get out.  In fact, i’m reading one of her adventures this week.  And you know what? Nancy Drew IS a Jew hater!  So far i’ve read and summarized 5 chapters for you guys. And i’m sure you’ll enjoy reading it as much as i’ve enjoyed tearing Aryan Nancy to shreds.  mwahahahahahahaha!

i’ll try to add 5 more chapters by tomorrow night.  

Next week’s episode: Jaimie takes something wholesome and fun and tears it down to its most base parts thus exposing the weak underbelly for all to see. Purely on accident of course.  

Have a good week, sweeties.  
jaimie “trixie…trixie…why does that name sound so familiar?” pickle

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The one about Hardy Boys and math

Category: weekleez

The one about Hardy Boys and math
Tuesday, May 15, 2001

hello sweeties,  

so have you ever been sitting down and then all of a sudden you had to stand up?  and i don’t mean in any sort of compulsive behavior kind of way.  what i mean is, you’re sitting there and then an action takes place (to you or around you) thus causing you to stand? 

okay, i’ll level with you, i’m not talking about sitting at all.   
i’m talking about walking. 

have you ever been walking and then something happened and you had to run?  and then there you are…running.   

no. that’s not it either.  

ok, you know how if you get a promotion at work you then get more money but you also have to take on more responsibilities?  and it’s great that you have a couple of more bucks each week but now you also have to work a little harder and put in more time.  and so now you’re just there…. and you’re working….and…  
well, that almost worked.  

ok, you know how when something “bad” happens there’s always one optimist in the crowd that says, “it comes in three’s y’know.”  and i mean, thanks jack.  so you were focusing on how to get from point A to point B and now this jerk is reminding you that something else is bound to happen and well, yikes.  only the thing is, the shemp maybe right in that instance.  and even if he’s not, at least he took your mind off the original problem, if only for a moment.  but really, that’s not the point here.  

YES, i have a point.  

so lately, it seems like we’re all facing a problem or two.  and as soon as we fix or tend to the problem there’s a great new one staring us in the face.  and maybe the problems aren’t even that difficult to handle. perhaps they’re just annoying, at first.  and then after a while you get other problems.  big ones, small ones, health ones, mental ones, relationship ones, stress ones, job ones, stupid people ones, spiritual ones, happy ones, grumpy ones, bashful ones, dopey ones…. (right, you got it.  i know.)  

and so you’re dealing with real life here and hey, you’re dealing with real life! way to go! but right before you can pat yourself on the back,well, you’ve got a problem.   
well, not just one problem.  now you have two at the same time. but hey, you could handle one at a time.  i’m sure you can deal with two.   now the only “problem” is that they come in three’s!  *SCREAM*  
sha right.  you only wish they’d come in three’s.  but this is REAL life and now things are coming at you in MULTIPLES of three, and now those three things you were dealing with have become nine!  and now you have square roots and imaginary numbers!  but wait!  you have the quadratic formula in your back pocket!  things are gonna be ok!  aren’t they?  well yeah, as long as you’re just having to solve for “x”.  nerd.  

it seems that lately there are more problems.  and i really hate to use the word ‘problem’ over and over again as it sounds so negative and redundant.  so i’ll do a bit of rehashing here.  what’s our favorite word that we use in place of words that sound too serious?   
WICKETS! 
hooray!  the wickets are back. only this time WICKETS = problem or any other word that you want to use.  

so now we’re dealing with multiple wickets.  and these wickets aren’t even things that you know anything about, which brings about more wickets.  and it seems like we’ve become the hardy boys when it comes to wickets.  

did you ever notice that the hardy boys NEVER went in search of a mystery?  the mysteries always just sort of found them?  i realize that not all of you read the hardy boys when you were growing up.  but i’m sure you know what i’m talking about.  maybe you read nancy drew (lame) or trixie belden (who?).  it doesn’t matter. 

the hardy boys would be out hiking, exploring, or traveling around and then they’d stumble (literally) across a “clue”.  and this would ultimately lead to them solving a mystery or finding the missing priceless *insert noun here*.  

so here we are, “hardy boys”.  and we’re trying to solve a wicket or three (to the 3rd power).
and well.
pop quiz hotshot:  

you =  – your paycheck +/- the square root of “where is *insert spiritual figure* when i need him/her?”(squared) minus four times your education multiplied with your job and divide all that by two times all the relationships you have at the moment.  

now solve for you.  

doncha hate it when you’re the variable?  

so anyway, i have no advice or anything (not that i’d be stupid enough to give out advice).  i just wanted to see if i could write one about the hardy boys and math.  i really wanted to write one about the steps in a four stroke engine and apply them to the creative process. 
but really, who cares?  

next week’s episode: fun with cornstarch  

until then, try not to think too much.  

jaimie “i’m sure i’ll catch hell for the nancy drew remark” pickle

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The One About the Aswan High Dam for Dummies

Category: weekleez

The One About the Aswan High Dam for Dummies
Tuesday, May 08, 2001

hi kids,

last week i said that this week’s weekly was going to be about the suez crisis of ’56….for dummies, right? well, gimmie a little longer on that ‘k? i left all my notes at the shop this weekend and well, i had no material to go by.

ok so i’ve been dying to write a series of articles on historical events, people, and/or places-things.
only i want the articles to be funny. ACCURATE and funny. well, mostly sorta accurate. i mean, if the accuracy is funny i’ll keep it, if it’s boring then i’ll rosh it.

but i wasn’t sure how to write such a thing.
do i write it as if i’m talking to a complete dunderhead? (could be very interesting)
do i write it like an actual paper i’d turn in for submission for a class or historical magazine? (i mean, gag, how dry would THAT be?)
besides i’d have to use proper speling and punctuation marcs.!

the other horrible part of all of this is that i have to research things. and though i do love to read, especially about history, well i don’t have as much spare time as i would like, and i do feel it necessary to provide you with accurate facts and such. meaning good for you bad for me.

so THIS time i’ve picked something that is easy to make fun of as it pretty much makes fun of itself. and as an added bonus (for me) it’ll be good background info for The One About the Suez Canal for dummies.

without further ado,
The Complete Idiot’s Guide to the Aswan High Dam… For Dummies, Morons, and Elves.

Let’s start out with the basics shall we?
The Aswan High Dam is located on the Nile River in south Egypt near the city of….Aswan.
That’s easy enough then isn’t it?

moving on.

Construction on the dam started in 1960 and it was completed in 1970 much to the amazement of probably everybody.

This dam is four (4) miles upstream from the old Aswan Dam. This lesser dam has been around since 1889-1902. Unfortunately it had a bad habit of not being a very good dam and so in 1907 they made it taller, and also in 1912. Then in 1929 they started renovating it again because as far as dams go, it still sucked. They did this once again in 1934. And once again in 1946 when the water almost reached the top. After all this the Egyptians decided they needed another dam entirely, which the rest of the world replied with,
“But you can’t even take care of the one you already have.”
Egypt responded with, “But please daddy? I promise to take care of THIS one!”
So the world said, “It’s alright with me if it’s alright with the U.S. and Britain.”
And so in 1952 the World Bank (suckers) agreed to finance the building of the Aswan High Dam.

After a while the Soviet Union wanted to get in on the action and so they provided some fundage and even some “engineers”. After hearing that Egypt and the USSR are becoming fast friends the U.S. pulls out of the deal because they hate the soviets and so the U.S. takes it’s ball and goes home much to the chagrin of the other Allied powers who are still financing this thing. Now the Allies are all kinds of “maybe we should just forget this thing and go home.”
So Egypt panics and seizes the Suez Canal so as to use it to finance their dam.
okay enough politics. on with the dam.

Well now everyone is mad at everyone and Egypt lets Russia build it’s dam.
As it turns out, Russia is VERY good at the whole cement and concrete thing. They excel in that catergory.
Unfortunately they aren’t so good at that whole “architecture/engineer” thing.

So the first time they build it in a wrong sort of way in that they didn’t make the drainage system… at all. An adverse effect of this was that the algae and scum built up and the Nile became this red nastiness of a river. This horrible event really smelled quite awful and as one could imagine it drew flies.
Lots of flies.
The flies in turn “upped” the frog population by about a billion percent.
As the frogs died off the vermin population grew.
Do you see where i’m going with all this?

Anyway they “tweak” the dam and voila! In 1971 it was inaugurated by President Sadat.

And now instead of the Nile flooding once a year to provide the rich silt that farmers had been depending on for centuries, the High Dam keeps the river from flooding and provides no outlet for the much wanted silt that now just comes to a complete stop in the reservoir (man-made lake) Lake Nasser (named after a real classy guy).

So the farmers must now buy tons of artificial fertilizer. And of course, when these chemicals run off into the Nile it does wonderful things to the fish. Thanks Aswan High Dam!

By the way, Lake Nasser is one of the biggest man-made lakes in the world. It’s a great source of hydro-electric power and provides electricity to half of Egypt. The other half of Egypt doesn’t need electric power as it is now underwater. That’s right, Lake Nasser is so big that the government had to move over 90,000 Nubians that had been living in the area. oops! Sorry Nubian Kingdom! (have you ever noticed that Sudan always gets the shaft?)

You can’t walk through Egypt without tripping over an ancient artifact or temple of some sort. I wonder if they gave any thought to the ancient temples and relics in the area? Oh sure they did. After they were underwater. Of course, these temples and ancient cities are only underwater for MOST of the year, not the WHOLE year.
Hydro-electric power!
Yes, the art and culture of the past is slowly (and in some parts very quickly) eroding away, but keep in mind the Egyptian government has provided a means of hydro-electric power to its people AND it controls the flooding AND it allows for better navigation by keeping the waterflow of the Nile consistent.

Of course all this “control” means that the water is more easily evaporated. The reservoir loses about 13% of its water each year. Which isn’t a big deal, except that it leaves all the sediment behind thus the reservior keeps losing storage space.
Hydro-electric power!
Hydro-electric power!

Yes, but will hydro-electric power cure the parasitic disease schistosomiasis that has spread due to the stagnant water of the reservoir? will it help the deteriorating soil? will it stop the erosion of the delta?
Well?

It completely blows my mind that the ancient Egyptians were able to build massive, highly mathematical pyramids with many chambers, tunnels, and secret tombs using crude tools and manpower. While the modern Egyptians can’t even HIRE a decent crew to build what many people call a “modern wonder”. i WONDER if Mr. Nimoy isn’t right about those aliens building the pyramids.

So now when i read or hear something about the Aswan High Dam, i get a visual of some guy slapping his forehead and uttering a “d’oh!”
And now, so do you.

i got most of this information from some notes i took in college and a book and a website.
those are pretty good sources, eh?

but really, who cares?

you guys have a good week.
try not to spend all your money on a crappy dam ok?

jaimie “d’oh!” pickle

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