The one about In Search Of…

Category: weekleez

The one about In Search Of…
Wednesday, April 25, 2001

Hi kids,

i’ll not rehash the beef jerky this week (yes i will). i did have some Jimmy Dean Beef Jerky and it was pretty good. Although i cannot find an 8ft beef stick in this town. The Big W let me down. So if any of you know where i can get my hands on a beef stick of obnoxious size then please let me know. (stop snickering).

It doesn’t have to be 8ft long, but at least 3ft, y’know? (you have a filthy mind). It’s not that i’m all concerned about size or anything (shut it). i would just like a meat stick of substantial size for the experiment. (quit laughing, you perve.) The one with the charts and graphs! (you make me sad). Really.

So what IS the Weekly about this week? Well, i thought about starting a serial. And maybe once a month the Weekly would be a chapter of the story. And i got really excited about that idea, but i’m not quite sure what my story would be about (like it would have a plot or something? sha, right). And i also was unsure if you guys would be even want to read something like that (oh, you’ll read it). i’ll give me another week to ponder the thought.

So then i thought i could complain about something: customers, the violence inherent in the system, Plantagenet England, Auld Lang Syne etc. But really, no one likes a complainer. Maybe i could do a discussion of some sort? And maybe i’d have a really interesting topic like cheesecake, Egyptology, vinyl, or real Amish butter. But i’d actully have to know something about an interesting topic and really, who wants to read about my thoughts on the Catholic feudal system of the early Norman kings?

So for this week you’ll just have to settle for this observation.

After work i sometimes turn on the television and watch the History Channel (or the Hitler Channel, whichever you prefer. Have you noticed it’s always something about WWII?) And they show reruns of a 1970s show called “In Search of…” and it’s hosted by Leonard Nimoy (the pointy-eared guy from Star Trek). And this show is supposed to be about weird phenomena and unexplained things and it really wanted to be a very mysterious show. Well, i watch the show at least once a week but for some reason i see the same episode over and over.
It’s always “In Search of… The Shroud of Turin”

In the past year i’ve seen only three different episodes, there was one about the Great Pyramids and UFO-Aliens, there was one about Stonehenge and Alien-UFOs, and there was one about Big Foot, UFOs, Nessie, and Reincarnated Aliens. But usually i only ever see the one about the Shroud of Turin. And it’s not even a very good episode either.
I mean, sure Mr. Nimoy tries to make it sound weird and mysterious, but really, who cares?

*Insert Mr. Spock voiceover and bad ’70s recording here*
“Could this shroud be the burial covering of Jesus Christ? Or is it a hoax going back deep into the Middle Ages? Was the shroud given to the Israelites by aliens?”
*insert mystical sounds and beeps*
“We had our team of UFO photographers take a look at pictures of the shroud. Their findings are inconclusive.”
*insert sitar music*
“But the pollen samples taken from the shroud are from plants only found in the Middle East.”
*insert more strange sounds*
“The shroud itself was tested and found to be from 11th century UFOs.”

oh shut it already.

i was at the library yesterday and i walked down the aisle with all the strange phenomena books and there sat “In Search of…” the book. And i was so tempted to get it because it was very ’70s and very un-scary looking. It had a cartoon spaceship on the cover.

next week: in search of a weekly.

sorry kids, it was an off week, what can i say?

but laura “danger slippers” bentley’s graphic for this one is hilarious.

jaimie “i’m late for practice” pickle

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the other one about beef jerky

Category: weekleez

the other one about beef jerky
tuesday, april 17, 2001

hi sweetie darlings, this is a continuation of the last weekly. if you need to read that one again to refresh your memory, well, get to it.

okay. so the beef jerky thing has become far more complicated than i had anticipated. not only are there many brands and flavors to choose from, but that stuff is expensive! I’ve spent $12.00 so far and i haven’t completed my research yet. another thing i forgot to factor in this meat snack equation was my poor tummy. (note to self: 2 oz of kippered beefsteak consumed in a one hour time period is equal to three (3) hours of acidic heartburn torture. TORTURE!)

but not to worry!
i will continue my research this week and i’ll have a smashing report complete with bar graphs, pie charts, flavor ratings, nutritional information, etc. and all of this information will be free and available to you at the website which has been provided by the lovely group at kNETics. (plug plug plug).

i plan on ending my research (and my life) by consuming one of those horrible looking 8ft beef stick ropes that they sell at the big W. and i know what you’re thinking, “jaimie, why would you DO that?!” well i can’t very well eat up all the beefy meat snacks in this town and NOT eat an 8ft beef stick now can i?

and just to let you know, i’m only eating the dehydrated beef products. no turkey jerky or pork jerky or soy jerky for me thanks.

i have also contemplated a jerky diet. i figure i can try it for three (3) weeks and tell you guys how it goes. and of course charts, graphs, and a quick trig lesson will be provided. it would go something like this:
a delicious peppered beefsteak in the morning. (kill me)
a scrumptious bag of artificially flavored hickory smoked jerky for lunch. with pepto chaser of course. (please kill me)
and a sensible dinner. and by sensible i mean, any thing but a dehydrated piece of seasoned meat.

i’m no nutritionist or anything, but how bad could this high protien diet be? ha.ha.ha.

and hey, believe it or not, two of the weekly readers have admitted to being jerky connoisseurs: lori “snap into it!” todd and chris “of all trades” wood. chris and lori both agree that homemade jerky is the best. however they did disagree on one thing, lori wrote, “of all the store bought jerkys out there, the best tastin’ is the highly advertised by wrestling, SLIM JIM!!” while chris said that slimjims are the ‘spam’ of the beef snack world. i’m sure there will be a chart involved.

so far i have learned a ton about the spiced meat snack world. how much have i learned you ask? would you believe i have learned ten (10) things so far?

10. dehydrated beef is really tough to chew. any brand, any flavor. in fact, that might even be the whole “point” to beef jerky.

9. i can give myself a headache by chewing.

8. $6 is a standard price for a bag of beef jerky regardless of brand or flavor.

7. hyperextension of the jaw muscles is normal when eating a dehydrated meat snack.

6. there is no #6, but if there was it would probably involve chewing, pain, and beef jerky.

5. the “original” flavored beef snacks are not as flavorful as one might imagine.

4.for more “flavor” one might think it a good idea to try the “hot and spicy” flavored meat snack, when in fact that would not be a good idea at all.

3.surprisingly, the best meat snacks (that i’ve had so far) have a professional wrestler on the package (and yet it was not a slim jim) smell what the ROCK is cooking!

2. Heartburn and retching are symptoms of a serious digestive problem. They may also be reactions to eating spicy, dehydrated beef products.

1. the most important lesson learned, oddly enough, is that teriyaki flavored beef jerky is the most horrible snacking sensation i’ve ever had the misfortune of eating.

please keep in mind that i’ve not yet eaten the 8ft beef stick and that it DOES have the potential to be in the #1 slot. you’ll just have to “stay tuned”.

on a non-related meat note, i often have 6 or 7 things that happen to me during the week and i’ll say, “that’s going in the weekly for sure!” and when it comes time to write this thing i have forgotten every cool, funny, odd thing that happened. everyone tells me i should start writing things down and well, ok sure, i COULD write them down but then i’d have to keep up with several slips of paper and trust me it would never work. however, since this funny thing happened yesterday, i remembered.

liz “just liz”, jimmy “fleegan”jones, and i were watching the learning channel last night because junkyard wars was SUPPOSED to be on only instead they were showing a program about stuntmen and daredevils. boring.
i really can’t stand that kind of program. these people catch themsleves on fire, ramp some cars, transfer trucks, and spinning helicopter blades all while riding the world’s heaviest motor bike and i’m supposed to dig this? what a bunch of jerks. throw in an 8ft beef stick, a 40 hour a week job, one trip to the grocery store, a church easter egg hunt, and dinner for 5 and then maybe i’ll be impressed.

anyway, we’re watching (heckling) the program and liz says in a serious voice, “this has got to be the only sport where transfer trucks are a unit of measurement.”
my reply? “that’s so going in the weekly.” ha.ha.ha.
next week: i dunno, maybe something cool will happen.

jaimie “hahaha” pickle

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the one about beef jerky

Category: weekleez

the one about beef jerky
tuesday, april 10, 2001

hi you guys,

so this email was going to start out with beef jerky and then end with me semi-bashing the USDA. however, i didn’t get to do as much research as i wanted to and so i’ll leave the USDA alone (for now).

besides i don’t want you guys to think i’m some sort of freaky meat-eating vegan/anarchist*. i’m all for the USDA, mostly. i’m just a little concerned about the lack of checks and balances. (more on that later).

about twice a week i stop at a gas station. it’s usually the same one, as i am a creature of habit and it’s almost always in the morning on my way to work. i either get a coffee or a big gut buster of soda. there’s just something so satisfying about drinking out of a cup two (2) times the size of my head. although i think i can hear my kidneys whine everytime i get one of those (they are big babies).

anyway, next to the coffee machine is where they keep the reject snacks. i have no idea why.
by reject snacks i mean:
1.pickled eggs
2.stale donuts (probably goes good with the burned coffee)
3.individually wrapped pickles w/ juice. (what the hell is THAT all about anyway? have you ever been driving and thought, “hot damn if i couldn’t just go for a big, juicy pickle right about now.” no of course you haven’t. (this doesn’t count if you’re pregnant).
4.beef jerky

these are all fine foods. i just don’t know why they are next to the coffee. i don’t know about you, but in the morning my stomach is quite queasy and it takes all i have just to choke down a pop-tart. so while i’m pouring my delicious cup of gas station coffee and i see a HUGE jar of spicy hard-boiled eggs, well, it’s a problem. i actually gag. it’s a heaving motion and it’s quite embarrassing. what can i say? my stomach is a big baby.

after months of cursing that massive jar of embryo (i’ll have you gagging yet) i’ve gotten a bit used to the whole “reject snack” section. and now i find myself excited at NEW reject snacks. the beef jerky is relatively new. of course, there is beef jerky throughout the gas station, many brands and types to choose from. but for some reason they stick this brand with the reject snacks. (i think that next week i’ll buy some of the different types of dehydrated meat products and tell you all about it. i can’t remember if i’ve even HAD beef jerky. it doesn’t look good but hey, shrimp are bottom-feeding waterbugs and people think that they’re the best things ever so maybe jerky is just misunderstood.)

so this particular brand is in the reject section and the logo for the stuff is a lumberjack (of course) with an axe slung over his shoulder. (laura has already made a smashing graphic for it on the webpage so go there to see just what this lumberjack looks like. or if you want to laugh your tukus off you can go directly to the beef jerky website and see the logo yourself http://www.huiskenmeats.com (i read their site and cracked up. they are so proud of their meat snacks.)

back to the gas station:
the jerky is in a box that’s shaped like a car. (what?) the box is like a display case for the beefy meat snack. this car/display box has also been printed to make it look even more car-like (as if). the hood of the car has a huge picture of the logo (lumberjack w/ axe) printed on it. much like a racecar would have a sponsor’s name. but what totally kills me is that the “car” has a driver. and the driver is (you guessed it) the lumberjack. but the “artist” didn’t change the lumberjack or anything. they just cut and pasted the logo lumberjack to the driver’s seat.
what i’m getting at is:
THE LUMBERJACK STILL HAS AN AXE SLUNG OVER HIS SHOULDER AND HE’S DRIVING A CAR.

well, there’s that and the back seat is full of his individually wrapped spicy meat stick chums.

so now i envision the snacks all coming to life when the store closes and the lumberjack and beef sticks racing around the store offending the not yet rejected snacks. they zoom past the delectable and often bought candy bars! they speed around the frequently purchased beer and soda! they breeze by the only bought when pressed for time dairy products! they ramp the glance worthy gum and life savers shelf! and then they crash into the weird impulse items near the register! (cigarette lighters, energy boosting pills and chocolate covered cherries, why?)
the lumberjack and meaty snacks turn the car over and race down the aisle with the motor oil, work gloves and aspirin, turn the sharp curve into a cardboard display (of some racecar driver sitting on a softdrink and snackin’ on a stick of jerky). the woodsman and beef friends then slam on the brakes thus throwing the car-like box into a 360 degree turn, faux-tires squealing, there’s a cardboard piece of “smoke” that rises out of the “hood” and they speed off again only to hit an overlooked box of junior mints! the car flips and the axe-bearer and plastic contained meatlike snacks fly ass-over-forehead into the $2.00 loaves of bread!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

and with that this half-crazy, spiced, beefy, meat-snackiness fun is over.

until next week anyway, when i partake of the teriyaki beef chew. teriyaki? what is this? gourmet jerky? come on! maybe i’ll go in and ask for the jerky du jour and see what kind of looks i get.

next weeks epitomb: jaimie eats beef jerky and describes in juicy detail the “greasy aftertaste”.
TELL-ALL pending, sorry.

jaimie “beef jerky, kippered beefsteak, pickled sausages and meat sticks” pickle

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the one about junkmail

Category: weekleez

the one about junkmail
Tuesday, April 3, 2001

hi sweeties,

ok, so remember last week i said i would tell you guys about the longest red light? well, i’m not. maybe soon though.

now i did get a few requests to do a certain tell-all expose’ type email. but really, who has the time for all that? and believe me it would take all bloody night and a bottle to write that one.

so i’ve opted for the one about junkmail.

we live in the postmodern world (i don’t care if you’re modern or not, you’re still living in the postmodern age, so deal). we’re space age, digital age, electronic age, new age, age-defying, guaranteed 10% less wrinkles, we live in an age where with one “click” you can get just about anything. and you know what?
we’re still using 3-ring binders.
and you know what?
they still suck.

i’ve never had a binder that wasn’t broken in at least a month. those darn rings get bent and then they start to tear the paper and ARG! useless.

spray bottles are the same way. a couple of squirts and then…. no more spray. ARG! useless wimpy spring! the paper clip holding my toilet together lasted longer than my spray bottle!!! what’s THAT all about?

other useless things we still “use” brought to you by jayda “purple fridays” floyd:
umbrellas – the little rods break or come apart from the material and they don’t even keep you from getting wet, mostly pantyhose – hard to get on, hard to get off, uncomfortable to wear, and forever getting runs
pencils – they never stay sharp, they always wear down, and the eraser always is gone before the pencil is
drive-thrus – no matter how much they renovate the building, the line is always long

these useless things that are used are from katie “a reporter at the Times” enter lastname here:
bandaids – they still hurt coming off and still leave a sticky residue (too right, katie!)
ketchup bottles in restaurants

go girls! i hate all those things. especially pencils and glass ketchup bottles. pencils are for sketching and math. everything else should be in ink. better yet, permanent marker. big, black, bold, jumbo marker. a marker so thick the ink bleeds all over and the writing becomes unreadable. yeah.

as for glass ketchup bottles, why? why are we still using these? ah the quaint old tradition of ramming a knife in a bottle to get your salty tomato-like spread fix. those things should be in museums and novelty restaurants. “look kids! a real glass ketchup bottle! back when i was your age that’s how we used to get all our ketchup.”

thank you space age plastic!

laura “i know i am, i know i am” bentley suggested rubber bands. but uh, i kinda like rubber bands. oh sure, they’re useless as all get out, but there’s nothing more dangerously fun than being bored at work and having a bag of rubber bands and a box of paper clips at your disposal.

but what about junkmail? we’re still getting junkmail. actually we’re getting more useless junkmail now than ever before. what are we going to do about that kids? are we going to get mad and shout?! are we going to rip up the mail then get mad and shout?! are we going to rip up the mail, get mad, shout, toss it away with the rest of the rubbish on the table?! WELL?!

ok first you need to calm down. then go get your mail.

no really, go get the mail.

GET THE MAIL!!

alright, you’ve gotten the mail. now separate the bills and put them in the place where you always put the bills.
*sigh* it’s ok if the bill putting place is in the other room, we’ll wait for you. GO!

ok, now look at the rest of your mail. it’s junk right? right.
NO! don’t toss that yet! look more closely, see, you almost threw away that wedding invitation. (of course, not all of you out there in emailland got a wedding invitation and that’s ok. i didn’t get one either. but i did get a phone bill. just like you!)

ok, so now your personal mail has been separated from the rest of the mail. all you have is junk left. now, any sort of leaflet-type-business-post-card mail goes straight to the trash.
toss it.
NOW!

now we’re in business. you see that credit card junkmail? open it.
now throw all the application crap away. yes, and the “personal” letter. trash it.

all you should have left in your hand is one glorious postage paid envelope. this is a thing of beauty. all you have to do is seal it and put it back in the mail box and pretty soon some poor jerk at the credit card place opens up an empty envelope.

or better yet, put something in it.
you can pack as much as you want in that envelope and you know what? they pay for it! it’s free for you to send them whatever you can fit in there!
i love this country!

my boss gets two (2) or three (3) of those envelopes a day and she gives them to me and i promptly print out a weekly (from the webpage, i would never send a bunch of junkmailers a piece of my own junkmail with a hundred email addresses on it! give me some credit here) i stuff a weekly into the prepaid envelope and send it back to the evil lair from which it came.

now how cool is that?!
i’ve sent nine (9) or ten (10) of these a week for the past 3 months! so far so good. i’ve not gotten into trouble yet. so i suggest you too participate in this harmless game of revenge junkmail. one suggestion though, if you DO use a weekly as your junkmail, don’t use THIS one. and print it from the webpage so as not to give the evils any email addresses. ‘k?

and yes i know that half of the weeklies on the webpage aren’t working. i’ve been meaning to fix that. really.

so go have fun kids! and remember, there’s nothing cooler than free advertisement. so put your business card, webpage, bible tract, etc. in the envelope! what are they going to do? send you junkmail?

junkmail? YAY!

next week’s episode: i’m waiting for one more shoe to drop before the “tell-all”.
BAH-hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

jaimie “ketchup bottles in restaurants” pickle

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the one about the lab rat

Category: weekleez

the one about the lab rat
tuesday, march 20, 2001

Hello Sweeties,

Today’s rant is brought to you by the Learning Channel. Because that’s where i saw the horrible image.

i saw a commercial last night on T.V. and it was all about genetics and that sort of hobnob. And on this commercial they show, for much more than a split second, the picture of the rat with the human ear growing out of its back. Nasty. And i gotta say this, that’s just not cool.

A rat. With a HUMAN ear. Growing out of its back.
This is science? GAG. You know, i could ALMOST appreciate the whole thing IF they would stop showing it and get on with the real science. I mean, come on, a rat with an ear on its back… that’s called a MISTAKE.
ERROR.
BLOOPER.
WRONG.
OOPS.
NASTY.

Gads, and what’s more, the scientists are PROUD of that rat. They BRAG about that rat. Oh come on! Anyone with half a wit can see that the whole affair was a scientific blunder.

If i had to turn in a science project and MY rat had grown a human ear on its back… i would’ve told the teacher that my dog ate my project. How embarrassing.
Condescending Science Teacher: “Well Jaimie, the class can appreciate the fact that your mouse has completed the maze in the fastest recorded time. But, well, frankly… we’re appalled at the unsightly human ear growing out of its back. Poor little Jimmy puked his guts out. I have no choice but to fail you. And for the love of God, put that rat out of its misery”

So to all of you “genetic engineers” out there: Go back to the drawing board and FIX the damn rat.

Look, i know absolutely nothing about genetics, DNA, rats, ears, or genetics. So in this episode i cannot bore you with uninteresting histories, scientific jargon, or anything else that may make for an intimidating read…. things like genetics and things.
And so maybe you think i’ll do a list of ten (10) items that could also be genetically grown on the back of a rat. But uh, i’m not touching that one with a ten (10) foot pole. nay nay. Oh no, then what’s gonna be the weekly?

Well, lucky for you, i was able to interview the rat with the human ear growing out of its back. And so here’s the transcription of the interview. Or at least as much of it as i can print. The rat did have quite a mouth on him. Not a human mouth. Just a foul rat mouth. But really who can blame him?

Pickle: Hello Sir, um… i mean, uh…rat…um. What is your name?
Rat: *belch* Yeah, whateva. Just call me Rat or sumpin’.
Pickle: Ok great. Well Rat, i just want to thank you for doing this interveiw and all. I really appreciate it.
Rat: Whateva. I’m doin’ it for da booze. Ya DID bring da booze dincha?
Pickle: OH! Yes, here it is… single malt right?
Rat: yeah yeah yeah…
Pickle: Right, well on with the interview. So, how long have you been a lab rat?
Rat: What’re you some kinda moron? I’ve been a lab rat ALL MY LIFE. I come from a long line of lab rats.
Pickle: Wow. Are any of your ancestors famous lab rats?
Rat: What?! You don’t know much ’bout lab rats do ya?
Pickle: Um, not really no.
Rat: *sigh* Geez. Alright it’s like dis. Lab rats ain’t famous and we don’t get to live long enough ta be famous. *belch*
Pickle: um, so ah, i suppose you have some brothers and sisters?
Rat: Yeah, i got ’bout 40 brahs and 29 sistahs. What of it?
Pickle: OH um, i was just asking. Is it true that your sisters have been cloned from your great-great grandmother?
Rat: HEY! Those are just my half sisters! We ain’t really related.
Pickle: Right. of course. So what about that ear on your back?
Rat: What of it? It ain’t like i gots supersonic hearin’ or nothin’.
Pickle: I see. Has the giant ear on your back become much of a hinderance?
Rat: Da hell you think?
Pickle: Right. stupid question. sorry. Have you become popular because of the ear?
Rat: Whaddya mean? *hack, cough hack*
Pickle: uhhhh. Are you popular with the ladies?
Rat: oh. I’m not sure. I’m not around da ladies much. They keep me in a box with a couple of other guys.
Pickle: Oh, so do you have friends?
Rat: Oh sure. There’s #28. He’s got a molar growing through the top of his skull. and #17 has a finger for a tail. and then there’s Itchy. He’s uh, got a rash or sumpin’.
Pickle: Neat. So you do have friends.
Rat: Well, i guess. I mean, they’d stab me in the back just as soon as look at me, but yeah… we’re friends.
Pickle: Well that’s great. So what are your thoughts on animal testing?
Rat: *belch* eh, it ain’t such a bad gig.
Pickle: What? I figured you’d be against it. I mean hell, they grew a frickin’ ear on your back!
Rat: Oh well, sure there’s that. I didn’t like that so much but really it ain’t so bad. i mean, a couple a injections, a few electric shocks, and sure that maze is a bitch, but at the end of the day i always gets a meal. Things could be worse. I could be Itchy. Pickle: I see. Well thanks for the interview.
Rat: See ya ’round da lab.

That’s the end of the interview and the end of the weekly.

Next week’s episode: “My Date for Senior Prom was a Mennonite” Based on a True Story.

jaimie “see ya ’round da lab” pickle

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the one about space age plastic

Category: weekleez

the one about space age plastic
tuesday, march 13, 2001

 

happy tuesday everyone!
i thought about using real capitalization this week and even proper sentence structure, spelling, and punctuation. but i figured you guys wouldn’t think i wrote it and so. well. here’s the weekly:

i saw a commercial on television last night and it was (of course) a really “who cares?” kind of commercial.
1. it was about motor oil (who cares?)
2. it had a car driving through tons of really hot looking flames (that doesn’t apply to anyone EVER, so who cares?)
3. it’s selling point was that NASA developed this motor oil (again, who cares?)

it was the NASA thing that got me. i mean, come on. like the brainiacs at NASA have nothing better to do than develop a great new motor oil for YOUR CAR. please. NASA developed that oil AT LEAST 10 years ago and you wanna know what else? they probably have an even better oil that THEY are using right now because we all know that the astronauts get all the good stuff first. it’s part of the perks of being an astronaut.
but really, who cares?

your car won’t go faster because you’re using oil that NASA once used. it’s not like a solid-rocket booster for your car.

and so that got me thinking about all the other sludge out there that they try to pawn off on we the consumers (because if there’s one thing we are it’s consumers. and big babies.)

like when they mention that a product is made of “space age plastic”. um, yeah. that technology is like, over forty (40) years old. but it sounds good doesn’t it?

SPACE AGE PLASTIC.
(can you hear the echo?)

the space age started in 1957 (october 4th for all you geeks out there) when sputnik was launched. so pretty much from there on up is the SPACE AGE. so right now i’ve got on my SPACE AGE flannel shirt. i’m typing on this SPACE AGE keyboard. and you’re proably able to read this because of your SPACE AGE education. soda is encased in huge three (3) liter bottles made of SPACE AGE plastic while the pop itself is not space age at all (it being developed way before 1957). and ok, so flannel isn’t either, but it seemed really funny to have space age flannel.

so plastic is great, i’m not denying that. i’m just saying they should leave off that whole “space age” thing because really, who cares? “yes sir, i understand that the van doors are made of a sturdy high gloss acrylicfiberglasspolyamide. but is it space age plastic? i simply must have space age.”

like they’re going to make things out of old, brittle plastic using the recipe for bakelite or something. and this would be the part of the weekly where i go into the history of plastic but it seems that many people have invented plastic over the years and not only that but it’s still being invented today so… do your own research. ok fine! here’s an easy to follow timeline page all about plastic. http://www.joesherlock.com/fifties4.html

and does anyone remember that pen they (they, as in, THEM. the ones who sell stuff to US) tried to sell? it was made of SPACE AGE materials. it could write UPSIDE DOWN and on grease! It was the pen that the astronauts used! i can appreciate that, i mean, the astronauts need pens like that because they’re constantly “upside down” while they’re in space (look, i’m not going into the physics of it. it’s just not funny). but why do i need a pen like that?

BASED ON AN UNTRUE SPACE AGE STORY:
“i remember this one time i was dangling from some scaffolding (upside down, of course) and my pen refused to write! and to top it all off, who put that gob of vaseline there?! gee, if only NASA would release the patent on such a pen!
yikes.

and i guess i could make fun of the astronaut food, but i hear that it isn’t so bad. it’s not soul food or anything….

one final thought before i sign off. advertisers should really stay away from the whole SPACE AGE deal. i mean, the first time they bragged on their product being so great because of astronauts was for TANG. and well, we all know how popular THAT drink is now don’t we? even if you drank TANG as a kid, do you still drink it? do your kids drink it? methinks the novelty of SPACE AGE has worn off.

ok one more really hilarious thing. i was doing research for this weekly (yes, i’m a dork. i know.) and i found this site http://www.spaceageplastics.org.au/ and i thought it was going to be helpful and give me some background info on SPAGE AGE plastic because, well, it has ‘space age plastic’ in the address…what else could it possibly be a web page for? and well, it’s not about plastic. at all. in fact, i think it might be a cult of some sort.

but i get there right? and i’m thinking, “this looks kinda cheesy to be a historical or industrial site about plastics of any sort.” and then these pictures load (don’t worry, no porn) and man, i KNOW it’s not about plastic. so i read. and i laughed so hard that tears were everywhere and i had to use some space age kleenex. and to tell you the truth, i read the whole thing (it was hard to read through all the tears) because i wasn’t sure if the site was “real” or not. i thought it might be a paraody or satire or something.

and it’s so bad that i think it probably is real. i encourage you to read that webpage and then when you finish your hysterics (the graphics alone will bowl you over), say a prayer for those people and the people who are building houses out of hemp and humanity’s waste. no really.

apparently my “over soul” directed me to that webpage. here’s an excerpt:
“This is the Spiritual Freeway of the intergalactic, interplanetary, interdimensional wondrous Universe. You have answered the call, your inner ear is opening; be friend, welcome.”

my inner ear is opening?! Gaaaaah!

and this one had no context AT ALL:
“The most important room in my Daughters interdimensional Space ship is the Meditation Chamber where power currents of Thought are activated. Think about all of this! ”

maybe next week i’ll totally make fun of that webpage. IT IS SO BAD!

next week’s episode: “The Space Arc landed in the South Pacific upon a remote Island, under cover of the Volcano.”
all your base are belong to us? hmmm?

jaimie “think about all of this!” pickle

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the one about sheffield’s family dining

Category: weekleez

the one about sheffield’s family dining
tuesday, march 6, 2001

hi kids, once again it’s time for the weekly.

this weekend i had the unforgettable experience of south florida.
it’s a different world down there folks. it’s one of those worlds i’d rather look at from a distance, or maybe hold in the palm of my hand, like a snow globe. and shake it violently. but anyway…

most of the interstate that runs through florida is covered up with billboards. and the thing is, they’re all pathetic. they don’t even try. it’s sick. all of the billboards say the same thing and they aren’t even pretty. most of them consist of a black background with flourescent pink and yellow copy. and the real kicker is what they advertise. most of them are about pecans. huh?
what’s the big deal ’bout pecans?

EXIT NOW
FRESH PECANS
3 LBS FOR $1.25
FREE SAMPLES

ok, so maybe it’s a good price for pecans. but what normal consumer needs 3 pounds of pecans? and everyone knows what a scam it is. the pecans aren’t shelled so 3 pounds of non-shelled pecans = about half a pound of actual pecan meat. (pecan meat…doesn’t that sound disgusting?) and they try to entice with free samples! gimmie a break!
sure, i’m gonna cross three lanes of high speed traffic then decelerate in .25 seconds on the shortest ramp in the known world for one free pecan. but hey, FREE PECAN!! oh. goody.
yikes, when you have to offer a free sample on pecans, you know you’re in the wrong business.

anyway, that’s not what i’m here to talk about. there was a different billboard that caught my eye and if there had been anyway to slam on my brakes and jerk the wheel without killing any of us, i would have taken a picture of it. but alas, you’ll just have to take my word for it.

JESUS IS LORD AT
SHEFFIELD’S FAMILY DINING
ALL YOU CAN EAT CATFISH DINNER

now that’s advertising. i mean, i’ve been waiting for someone to capitalize on that whole WWJD thing for years now. What Would Jesus Drive? What Would Jesus Drink? but so far, no one has been brave enough to get stoned/burned first. corporate chickens.

but here’s this mom and pop restaurant proudly declaring that JESUS IS LORD at their restaurant. how cool is that? and gutsy too. you’d never read a McDonald’s ad “COME ENJOY A QUARTER POUNDER WITH CHRIST” now would you? of course you wouldn’t. but Sheffield’s Family Dining on the other hand, makes it abundantly clear who is lord and what is for dinner. neat.

and as if they haven’t done enough for us already, it’s ALL YOU CAN EAT!! but don’t be surprised when the only two things on the menu are fish and bread. (i walk a fine line don’t i?)

and you know, i’m sure that Jesus doesn’t mind a little advertising, especially on I-75 where Disney is king, but JESUS IS LORD at sheffield’s. man, wouldn’t it be so cool to be there at dinner time? you’re sittin’ there, eating your catfish dinner. maybe you’re on your second or third helping by now, and this sleek new SUV screetches to a halt right by your window. you see one sandal, then two. and this guy get’s out drinking a pepsi and wearing a nike hat. walks in and gives pa sheffield a high five and says,”WASSUP?!” and pa sheffield is all kinds of,”yo! wasup JC?”
yeah, ok too far i know. but don’t worry, i’ve been dodging lightning bolts for years now.

i mean,

GEORGE W. BUSH IS LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD
AT SHEFFIELD’S FAMILY DINING

just isn’t as cool. at all.

or

THE RIGHT HONORABLE TONY BLAIR IS PRIME MINISTER OF ENGLAND
AT SHEFFIELD’S FAMILY DINING

is just plain lame.

DR. LAURA IS A SANCTIMONIOUS MEANIE
AT SHEFFIELD’S FAMILY DINING

gag. who would eat there?

one thing’s for sure, buddah is not welcome at Sheffield’s. the last time he was there, he not only insulted christ, but he took the “all you can eat” thing a little too seriously. that fat, happy jerk.

gee, who else can i offend today? maybe i should stop. i think i might write Sheffield’s and offer up a suggestion for their next billboard,

JESUS IS LORD AT
SHEFFIELD’S FAMILY DINING
EXIT NOW
YOU BIG BABY

next week’s episode: martha stewart eats at sheffield’s.

jaimie “i’m going to burn for these one day” pickle

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The One About a Client

Category: weekleez

ok so today’s weekly might be a little lame. i don’t really have one yet. i think maybe i’ll rant about work today.

just in case i’ve never mentioned it, i work at a sign shop. a really great sign shop. we make dawg gone good signs. no really.

we are currently “working” on a sign, well, we’re *trying* to work on this sign. but you see, the customer (who, in my experience so far, is never right) is a, well, this particular customer is….let’s say…. not too bright. this kid is dumber than a sack of hammers.

and you may be thinking, “gosh jaimie, you’re mean.” or “aren’t you being a little harsh?”
in a word, NO I AM NOT MEAN NOR HARSH. THIS CUSTOMER IS A MORON. ok so maybe that was more than one word.

anyway, this client wants a sign. this client has just purchased a franchise and bladdy bladdy bladdy wants a sign. cool. that’s what we do. this client wants the biggest sign this client can get for the amount of money that the franchise has allocated for said client to purchase a sign. okay, that sounds cool. big sign = big bucks, and apparently it also = big pounding headache.

ok, by now you’re wondering what the big deal is.
well, i’ll tell you. it’s the logo, sort of. the logo is fine actually. it’s a swell logo. it’s a very popular company at the moment and i see commercials and billboards with the logo all the time. you’ve probably seen it too. and maybe, if i’m feeling brave, i’ll have laura make a graphic for this weekly on the webpage and then you too will know what company i’m talking about. by the way, doesn’t she make the most hilarious graphics? have you been to the Local Drivel page? what a hoot.

the client gave us a whole 8 pages of specs that are all about the logo. you see, when a logo is designed, the designer writes up specifications for the logo (includes important info like pms colors, sizes, and wording if there happens to be several slogans or mottos that can be used with the logo.) so basically no one can make their logo look stupid. i like specs (usually). they make my job easier.

okay, i’m just going to reiterate that the CLIENT gave US the specs.

so i design the sign and send the proof to the client thinking to myself, “well, that was simple.”

the next day i get a call, it’s the client wanting to know why i made the logo so small. so i explain to the kid that the specs that were given to me had certain rules and that by breaking those rules the company probably wouldn’t like the sign and therefore would not buy it. it didn’t understand. i tried to expain that i had to leave a certain amount of negative space around the logo.
“why?” it asked.
|and i then proceeded to tell it about the specifications that IT had given us and that i had to leave that space around the logo. so now the customer wants a bigger sign so the logo will be bigger.
fine. more artwork, more faxes, fine.

next day, i get a phone call from the moron. “why is the logo so small?”
(oh dear lord are you serious?) i explain the whole logo phenomena to it again. and it said that it understood what i was saying, but maybe i should try to “stretch” (it’s word) the logo to make it fit. after a brief mental pause, so as not to laugh out loud, i explained. once again, why the logo could not be “stretched”. i then suggested to it that maybe it could try a taller sign instead of a longer sign because the logo would fit much nicer if the sign weren’t so long and skinny (the size it wanted was 12’x2′. which is way too long and skinny) i suggested a 6’x3′. the logo looked much more normal on a 6’x3′. the client seemed okay with that.
more artwork, more faxes.

next day.
the client calls up and tells me that the sign is much too small. mind you this sign is going inside of a building, it’s not an outside sign. it doesn’t have to be seen from the road. why does this shemp want such a big sign?! and now the client wants to talk to my boss. fine.
boss takes over and i hear her once again explaining why we can’t “stretch” the logo and then my boss tells the client that it would look much nicer on a sign that wasn’t 12 ft long.

to make a long story short (yeah right) this tirade has been going on for over 5 weeks! this moron calls every other day now and asks stupid questions that we’ve already answered! we are all losing our minds. every time we get a call from this kid we just shudder. it still wants a 12ft long sign.

one day another person at the company called and wanted to know why it was taking so long to get a sign. we explained once again the rules about the logo and all about why it didn’t look right. the other person understood everything (it was a breath of fresh air to talk to a normal). and that person said that they would explain everything to the moron and that everything should be running smoothly from now on.
good thing i didn’t hold my breath.

next day, we get another phone call from the moron and now it’s still confused about the “stretching” thing. i mean, at this point i’m willing to stretch that damn logo across all 12 feet and be done with the whole project.

next day the moron had a brainstorm and came up with a great idea. it wants two cell phones on either side of the logo. then it says, “oh and by the way, i just want you to know that the little man is orange. in all the faxes you sent it was black and white.”

let’s pause here for a mental scream.

i tell it that yes, i know what color it is and that the faxes are in black and white “because it’s easier that way.” i actually thought about acting confused on that one. “really? it wasn’t in color? maybe your fax machine is out of orange ink or something. office max probably has the orange ink cartridge for your fax, just be sure to tell them the serial number of the machine and your social security number.”

last week it scrapped the cell phone idea and now it wants two other logos on either side of the *main* logo.

great, it can’t even deal with one logo and now i gotta cram two more on this thing?
sure, fine, whatever.

it told me it would fax over the other two logos and you want to know what it faxed? it had printed out two websites with their teensy tiny scratchy little logos in the corners. oh gee, thanks so much.

i contemplated calling it back and asking it to fax it back in color.

sheesh, what’s next?

anyway, laura, when you design the graphic for this one, i just want you to know that the “little man” is orange and whatever size he is needs to be equal to the negative space that you leave around him. or you could try stretching it across 12 ft.

sorry that i had to play the “pronoun game” with this one. i’m just covering myself in case the numbskull actually gets this email (what are the odds? although last week i did get a reply from someone who gets these emails who is a kiwani and not only that but served on the board of directors for the kiwanis club. AND not only that, but he also knew the organist who played at pancake day. imagine my surprise. who knew?).

of course, i doubt that this client could figure it’s way out of a wet paper sack, and to quote a complete stranger, it’s “just the type of person who would get itself trapped in a wet paper sack.”

so there it is. the one about the client.

next week’s epitomb: how not to get trapped in a wet paper sack.

jaimie “what’s our vector, victor?” pickle

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The One About Pancake Day

Category: weekleez

the one about pancake day
tuesday, february 20, 2001

oh dear, it must be tuesday or something.

on saturday i had the pleasure of attending the annual local kiwanis pancake day. i’m almost certain that there isn’t a single local kiwanis on this list so i feel pretty comfortable about making fun of their pancake day. you know how those kiwani are. they’re mean and violent and wouldn’t think twice about lopping off my head for sport. a kiwanis is much like a viking but very much not like a ninja.

actually, i was really excited about pancake day. i had been looking forward to it for about three (3) weeks. and when i woke up on saturday i was feeling rather sick and sadly could not attend the pancake festivities.
or so i thought.

around noon i started to feel better and so i went and picked up my dad (ain’t no way i’m going to that thing by myself), and he and i went to pancake day. wow. i mean, wow. it’s amazing how many people turn out for this kind of thing.

only on pancake day would hundreds of people choose to wait in line 35 minutes for a short stack and slightly charred sausage. i mean, 15 minutes at the huddle house and people start freaking out, but standing in line at pancake day is different somehow. strange, huh?

and wait in line we did.
one would think that waiting in line could cause a frenzy. i mean, these are hungry people, they want their pancakes, and by god, they want them now. but the kiwanis have thought of everything. they provide musical entertainment. and as we all know music soothes the savage beast or in this case, the hungry mob.

when we first walked in the place i heard the distinct sound of a…. calliope? huh?
“when did they get a merry-go-round?” i asked.
i’m thinking, merry-go-round + tummies full of pancakes = a sticky mess.
but not to worry, there wasn’t a merry-go-round. the lovely sounds were coming from an man playing an organ. apparently this was the kiwani idea of musical entertainment. oh dear.

i appreciate many forms of music as well as many musical instruments. and the organ is a terrific instrument, but only if you’re at a hockey game or church. i mean, let’s face it, the harmonics of the organ and the scarffing of pancakes and sausages just don’t mix. there’s no balance sonically and/or gastrically. don’t look at me like that.

and you gotta understand that after standing in line for half an hour listening to the organ, well, all the songs start to sound the same. and i don’t mean that they all sound alike, what i mean is that a song will start out as, let’s say, “All of Me” (a classic) and it will end up sounding like “Lady of Spain” (also a classic, but it’s an annoying organ/accordian classic). it’s true, all organ songs end as “Lady of Spain”. (look, it’s a proven fact. quit looking at me like that.)

and i give the organ grinder a lot of respect, he tried, he really did. i half expected to hear “Take Me Out to the Ballgame….Lady of Spain” but i didn’t. he tried to “mix up da flava” of the musical choices. and i appreciated that. some of the tunes i heard that morning were “Itsy-Bitsy-Teeny-Weeny Yellow Polka-dot Bikini….Lady of Spain” and i think i heard “In the Good ol’ Summertime….Lady of Spain” as well as “Yes, We Have No Bananas….Lady of Spain”.
all in all a pretty diverse set.

my buddies laura, liz, and megs went to pancake day about an hour earlier than i, and laura said that their musical entertainment was a guy playing a saxophone. i don’t know about you, but i’d choose a wurlitzer over a conn any day. (by the way, that was an inside joke that probably only i would ever laugh at, sorry).

so dad and i finally got our pancakes, and we sat down to feast. the pancakes weren’t bad. the sausages were….well, kinda like hockey pucks, which fit in really well with the organ music. there were two older people who sat down in front of us and they were so happy to be there. it was great, i swear the old man smiled the whole time he was eating. and luckily he had more tickets because he was still hungry after eating his first stack.

dad looked over at me and said, “well, i guess we’ll come back in a couple of hours for lunch…this IS pancake DAY.” and then we joked about choking down more pancakes for dinner in honor of the whole day being pancake day. which dad carried one step further by recalling how they used to have pancake week. which was a gruesome week of nothing but tall stacks and syrup day and night. and of course talking about this with dad in front of two strangers was the most hilarious thing and i must say that was the best pancake day ever. of course, that was the first pancake day i’ve ever been to so i really have nothing to compare it with.

one thing that really surprised me though was the amount of cell phones i saw at pancake day. geez, can you not enjoy 40 minutes of pancake day without having to send or receive a call? i’m sure that half of the calls went something like this, “dude! i’m here at pancake day and they’ve got the best organist EVER!”
heh, but really, when did pancake day go digital? weird.

on a side note, i heard a horrible noise coming from the bathroom just now and i went to inspect it and it was mom using a water pik. gads, what an awkward contraption. what sadistic maniac invented that? you need a tyvek suit and safety glasses to use that thing. the medicinal water was shooting out of her cheek on to me and the mirror and she nearly drowned.

the commercials say how easy to use and gentle it is. what a crock! you could pressure wash sidewalks with that thing! after the initial screams of shock she finally finished and she says to me, “wow, that’s messy. you wanna try it? we’ve got some clean heads for it.” my luck it would blast my teeth right out and i’d have to gum down my pancakes next year.

it’s all true don’tcha know.

next week’s episode: jaimie tries the water pik.

jaimie “when did pancake day go digital” pickle
(bet you thought i was going to use “Lady of Spain didn’tcha?)

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the one about the slogan

Category: weekleez

the one about the slogan
monday, february 12, 2001

hi guys, i know what you are thinking.
“hey, it’s not tuesday! why is she sending the weekly today?”
“oh man, she messed up my week! now i’m gonna think that it’s wednesday when it’s really tuesday! just great!”

yeah, because the weekly is all about *you*.

sorry, but i have more important things to do tomorrow. (i’m madly in love with this fella and i think i’ll take him out to dinner tomorrow night seeing as how i won’t get to see him on valentine’s day.) and i didn’t have anything important to do today so, BAM. weekly.

so here are the slogans/mottos/credos that i received from some of you guys. many of you did not send me a slogan. shame on you. but for the ones who did send something, well, you guys get thirty (30) cool points. unfortunately you cannot redeem your cool points at any restaurant, supermarket, superstore, superduper, or superman. sorry.

my aunt jackie suggested “ASPARAGUS” as the motto.
it’s short and to the point. it’s recognizable and yet mysterious. i like it.

meredith “your mother was a hamster” licht had a really good one:
“guaranteed irrelevant, irreverent, and irresponsible chaos in your mailbox once a week.”
mere chose to go with the three (3) i’s. she’s cool.

here’s the response i got from laura “danger slippers” bentley:
“Okay, so I’d like to think I get immunity from providing things to the list, y’know, since we’re roomies and all. However, I realize I owe it to you to reply, y’know, since we’re roomies and all. I’ve decided to break my weekly e-mail slogans into catergories. And if you don’t like any of them, fine, but I’m gonna steal all your white socks while you sleep and replace them with pink ones. 🙂 (she wouldn’t dare)
The Informative Slogan:
Buy low. Sell high. The weekly tells you how.
The Slogan of Intrigue: “The weekly owes its phenomenal growth to controversy.”
–Dallas Daily Times
The Abstract Slogan:
Smaller than cat brains. More palatable than wafers. Weekly.
The Portugese Slogan: O semanário. Seja certo lê-lo cada semana.
Reverse-psychology Slogan:
The weekly is out of your league; it’ll only confuse you and make you realize how empty your life is. I wouldn’t read it if I were you.
The Slogan for Those with Short Attention Spans:
The weekly is this really funny e-mail that, hey, I have three highlighters. They are all the colors of M&Ms. Is it M & M or “em-e-nem”? The rapper? Is he a rapper? I’ve seen him on the cover of EW. Drew Barrymore is on the cover of the EW that’s sitting on the floor in my room. I haven’t vaccumed my room since I moved in, cause I don’t own a vaccum. Vaccuum? Vvaaccuumm? Cumin? Is that a poison? They had to poison Rasputin to kill him. Or did he drown? My grandmother’s favourite dog drowned when I was in the sixth grade. I was sick a lot in the sixth grade. I sat next to a boy named Bucky. He had man-boobs. Poor Bucky. Poor anyone who’s name rhymes with sucky. The weekly doesn’t suck.”
man-boobs? thanks for the mental. and no laura, you don’t get immunity. who do you think you are, J-LO, or sumpin’? don’t even front. i liked the abstract slogan best.

jim “www.alexanderpalace.org/palace/Rasputin.html ” bentley wrote:
“Everyone should be positively for Zac.” (like being proactive for Zac, or shorten it to just pro-zac.) How about “Zoloft is the tenth planet of the Solar System.” (probably because old Sol was lonely or having anxiety about Saturn with all those rings.) yeah, i didn’t get it either. but it was pretty cool.

and i got this hilarious one from lori “they’re coming to get you barbara” todd:
taking over the world, but with no country at a time now, as is our own choice have proven our mad skillz.
lori also added a bit if a rap about the british but i think i’ll save that one and put it on my webpage. i think i laughed for 15 minutes after reading it.

well, that about does it. i would just like to add one thing, liz, no slogan? tsk. tsk. the only thing saving you is the whole, “we’ve switched liz’s regular coffee with decaf, let’s see how she’ll respond”. big baby.

oh, and one other thing. EVEN SO will be playing THIS FRIDAY NIGHT at VINEYARD GADSDEN at 7pm. it’s FREE. FREE i tell you! FREEEEEEE!
even so for more info.

have a happy valentine’s day, even though it may be the 2nd most evil day in the world. we still aren’t sure about that one.

jaimie “liz was pretty upset about the decaf, but admitted that it tasted like regular coffee” pickle

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