Liberry Stories

Category: dribblings

A patron came in today to return an audio book. It was late and he owed $5.00.

It was Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover.

Oh Irony, you fickle bitch.

****

There is a treasure hunt contest (It’s part of the Alabama Chocolate Festival)  going on in The City of Rainbows. And the first clue has everyone thinking that the treasure is hidden in the library. TONS of people are coming in and ransacking the joint looking for the treasure certificate. And I keep getting calls that go like this:

“This is Jaimie, may I help you?”

“Is this the liberry?”

“Yes.” You just listened to an automated message that told you it was the library.

“Well, I heard on the radio that the treasure is hidden at the liberry.”

“No kidding?”

“You know anything about that?”

“I’ve heard the clue. And there have been many people here searching for it, but to my knowledge no one has found the treasure yet.”

“Yeah, but, I mean, is it there?”

“What?”

“Can you tell me if the treasure is there before I come all the way down there and look for it?”

“I don’t know where the treasure is.”

“Yeah, but you know if it’s there, right?”

“I don’t know where it is. We’re not told where it is. The Chamber of Commerce took care of hiding it, so the City of Rainbows and it’s workers have no idea where it is.”

“But they told you where it is?”

“No. We don’t know where it is.”

“But it’s at the library.”

“I don’t know where it’s at, but you’re welcome to come search for it.”

And on and on and on.

So now we have a game, when people walk in we try to decide (right away) whether they are Searchers or Patrons. It’s a pretty easy game.

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lizard18

Category: dribblings

lizard18 by fleegan.com
lizard18, a photo by fleegan.com on Flickr.


At the park I said, “Pretty soon my lizards will be back and I’ll get to see a liz- oh, there’s one.”
SNAP.
I saw a lizard, a snake, and a dragonfly. (I even saw lightning bugs the pther night.) It’s officially summer. EXCEPT IT’S STILL WINTER, ALABAMA. The hell is going on? I may have gotten a bit of a sunburn today. This isn’t right. This weather is evil and my main concern is that June and July are going to be so bad that my jeep will not only fall to pieces, but that the pieces will melt right into the pavement with no hope of putting it back together.

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snake35

Category: dribblings

snake35 by fleegan.com
snake35, a photo by fleegan.com on Flickr.


Went to the park today to find me a snake. SPLOOSH. Got one.
It was a tiny one. BUT I GOT IT.

And when I say I got it, I mean I took a picture of it. Don’t think I touched it or anything.

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Long Story Short

Category: dribblings

Lady at the ‘brary asks me if a nine cent stamp is enough to mail a letter.

She was not from another country. She was not old.

She may have lived in a cave since the last century. Hard to tell.

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jesusbiscuit

Category: dribblings

jesusbiscuit by fleegan.com
jesusbiscuit, a photo by fleegan.com on Flickr.


So what had happened was Cookie and I watched RuPaul’s Drag Race (why aren’t you watching it?) and there was part where Latrice Royale was asked to take the other queens to “church” so he started singing “Jesus is a biscuit, let him sop you up!” and everyone was clapping and singing along and it made everyone so happy. It made ME happy. So now Cookie and I sing it at least once when we’re together.

I was telling mom about it, and when I started singing it and clapping along (you have to clap when you sing it.) she grabbed a pencil and started writing.
“What are you doing?”
“What was the last part? Sop you up?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“I’m seeing if I can fit that on the church sign.”
“NO WAY, THAT WOULD BE AWESOME!”
“Can I change it to Jesus is the bread?”
“No, it’s biscuit. Biscuit is one thousand times better.”
Even dad, who was also at the table was all, “Yeah, it’s gotta be biscuit.”
“Well, I don’t know about calling Jesus a biscuit.”
“C’mon babe, we live in the south. Southern people love biscuits. They’ll get it.”
“Yeah, Ma. It’ll only work with biscuit.”
“Well can I call him THE biscuit instead of A biscuit.”
“Geez, I guess? Is it really that big of a deal?”
“I just think it’s better to call him THE biscuit.”
“Fine, I mean, if he was A biscuit I guess he’d be THE biscuit anyway.”
“I don’t know if all of this will fit on the sign.”
“Oh. Well, okay.”
“But I’ll try.”
“…”
“…”
Then we spontaneously break out into, “Jesus is a biscuit, let him sop you up!”

That was last weekend. Today I got a text from mom, “I put the sign up!”
I couldn’t believe she did it! So I grabbed the camera and drove out to the church, snapped a picture, uploaded it, and posted it to Latrice Royale’s facebook page. Because why wouldn’t i?
She even commented on it!
BOOSH. I just won life.

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Lemony Snicket fans, I love you.

Category: dribblings

I would screen cap and paste it here, but it’s getting too long.

Those sweet Lemerny Snicket fans are at it again. I’m going to call it Lemerny Snicket now.
If I ever wrote a book, I would hope that I would have tenacious fans of my work who would defend my (probably) crap writings to people who don’t care at all. And then I’d be all, “Ladies, calm down. They don’t have to like it.”
And they’d be all, “What? But…”
“It’s okay. We can all have different opinions, see? You can like things and not like things. Isn’t it great?”
“Thank you! Thank you for freeing us from the bondage of our own closed minds!”
“You’re welcome, now go! Go like and/or not like things in peace.”

This would never happen of course, because I’ve burned up any potential fan karma by continually engaging with these Lemerny Snicket fans and their hard line you-didn’t-like-the-book-you-must-be-stupid comments they keep leaving me.

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misterbiscuits01

Category: dribblings

misterbiscuits01 by fleegan.com
misterbiscuits01, a photo by fleegan.com on Flickr.


Here’s Mister Biscuits. I’ve warned him about going full retard, but he never listens.

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Moon Bounce Out House!*

Category: dribblings

*That’s a lyric from Tina Turner’s “Nutbush City Limits,” right?

Last night there was a party. It was for West’s birtday and the only reason I knew about it was because I was in the right place at the right time. I’m glad I was because I had a good time. There was a Moon Bounce.

It was cold outside so every one was inside eating food. Snatchie O. came over to me and was all, “Let’s go check out the moon bounce.”

I was all, “Okay. But we’re not getting in that thing, right?”

She was all, “Let’s just go look at it.”

So we go up to it and it’s like a big, colorful, bubble castle. And there are warning stickers all over it. And it was really dark outside. And we were the only ones out there. And she was all, “Let’s get in it.”

“No! No way! We are too old.”

“No, we’re not,” she says as she’s taking off her shoes.

“Shit,” I replied, as I took off my shoes.

Did I mention it was cold outside?
Well, the moon bounce was even colder. But it was neat cos there wasn’t a roof on it! and it was dark out and you could see stars. So we mostly laid down and looked at the stars and made moon bounce angels. Then Snatchie says to me she says, “Do you know what we’re doing, Jaimie?”

“No. What?”

In a totally serious voice she says, “Making memories.”

I died laughing. We both did. Then I called Barbwire (cos she was in the house) and told her to get out here to the moon bounce cos we were in it.

So she came out and got in and also made moon bounce angels and then we passed around a flask I just happened to have in my back pocket, wha? We drank and laughed like a bunch of kids. It felt sneaky and juvenile, and our bellies were warm from the Wild Turkey, but our bodies were freezing from the breezy night and the cold rubber castle.

Eventually LBJ made his way out and got in too, and then: we bounced. Moon bouncing is difficult and fun and kind of gross, because I kept thinking of all the feet and ass that’s been inside of it. After a bit all of the younger peeps got in and the bouncing was terrifying. Snatchie and I sat in a corner and let ourselves be bounced. There was lots of laughing and shrieking and, “No! Oh my God! EEEeeee! Oh!” things like that. Soon, I was too cold, and I managed to get out of the bubble castle unscathed.

When I woke up that morning I did not expect that I’d end the night in a moon bounce, but there you go.

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popsicle01

Category: dribblings

popsicle01 by fleegan.com
popsicle01, a photo by fleegan.com on Flickr.

Here’s Popsicle playing at the Back Forty Beer Company on Friday night with his puppet accompaniment, Crystal Meth. She has a gold tooth and pink bandana.

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Sunday School With fleegan.com

Category: dribblings

All right, everyone gather ’round. It’s time for a Bible story.

This one time, in the Bible, like, Old Testament times (probably like after Moses or something, but before Jesus.) there was this guy named Elisha. And he was going up a mountain or something and these teenagers come up to him and start making fun of him. They’re all like, “Hey guy with the bald head! HAHAHAHA!”
Teenagers, amirite? I mean, they’re not even clever. That insult is so lazy.

So then Elisha is all pissed and curses these kids in the name of the Lord. Which seems kinda strong to me, but whatevs, this is Old Testament, before my time. SO THEN all of a SUDDEN these two bears come outta nowhere and kill all these jerk teenagers! (This was in 2 Kings, by the way.)

So the lesson here, I think, is that I don’t want to take any kind of glory away from the birth of Jesus, but can we all agree that this should be considered Second Greatest Story Ever Told?

Right? Guys?

Where did everyone go?

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