Autocorrection

Category: dribblings

I was texting Jimmy something. It wasn’t important and he mentioned I should give Roxie some of my dinner. I always let her have the last bite of the supper, and if it’s something that makes a messy plate I’ll let her lick the plate. Don’t judge me.

So what I texted was “Roxie will get to lick the plate.”

But what my phone sent was, “Roxie will get to kick the slave.”

My phone is a violent racist. It keeps changing my ringtone to “Dixie.” I’m like, “Hey, Phone. No. We don’t play that song.”

And Phone is all, “What? It’s just a song. It’s culture! What are you so afraid of?”

And I’m all, “That shit is racist. Knock it off.”

“It’s part of my heritage! You can’t take that-”

“What heritage? What are you talking about? You weren’t even-”

“Keep it flying! Keep it flying! I’ve been fighting terrorism since 1861! You can’t-”

I turned it off. Ignorant, racist, asshole phone.

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This is exactly right.

Category: dribblings

This? This is EXACTLY what watching Downton Abbey is like.

 

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You say potato, I also say potato.

Category: dribblings

I made latkes for dinner tonight, over at my leetle brahther’s house. I haven’t made them in a while, and it was nice to have something different for dinner. Then they wanted to watch TV and asked me what I wanted to watch, but I don’t have any shows that I keep up with at the moment (except of course RuPaul’s Drag Race, a show I could write a whole thesis on, maybe not a great thesis, but let me just say, I can talk your ear off about that show and how I’ve come to love and respect the difficult life of drag queens. Chapter one would be a short history, chapter two: the fine and perfect line between glamour and clown, and chapter three: RuPaul and Jesus. STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT.) So as my bro flipped through the guide I saw that Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory was on and I squealed and they let me watch about 40 minutes (the best 40 minutes of the movie) before I left because it was late.

The Willy Wonka movie is also something I can drone on about at great length. Liz and Laura can back me up on this. They hate that movie. They are crazy, but of course are allowed to have their own opinions. That movie is nearly perfect and all, ALL, because of Gene Wilder. Do not argue with me on this.
The Tim Burton/Johnny Depp version is complete garbage. Also, do not argue with me on that.

***

I am still obsessing over the Albert Nobbs novella and cursing it’s complete nonstory. For a story that has nothing and goes nowhere, I’m surprised I keep thinking about it, but also I think maybe the reason I can’t let it go is that I felt tricked into reading it in the first place. I blame Oscar buzz, Glenn Close, and Downton Abbey.

Can we talk about Downton Abbey for a minute? No spoilers, I promise. In fact, I’m only on ep 4 of season 2 so I don’t even know what’s going on anymore, but, can we all agree that Maggie Smith is the best and steals every scene she’s in? Hate her, love her, she steals the scene EVERY time. We were discussing this at work (we talk about it several times a day at the ‘brary.) and the question of who our favorite character is came up. I was shocked by my answer, as was coworkers, when I said that I liked Mary the best.

Also, I feel bad that I don’t feel bad for Edith. Why do they make her so meh and her story arcs so blah, and even when she’s being horrible I just don’t care. I have more interest in what’s going on with the dog than Edith. This might make me a horrible person, but it’s all fiction anyway, so maybe not.

***

Wait, back to Willy Wonka, (I’ve had caffeine this evening) the part I love (we ALL love) is when they all go to that room where it’s like you’re outside but all the trees and things are candy? You know this part? Of course you do. When I was a kid all I wanted to do was live there and drink Daffodil tea out of a daffodil and then eat the daffodil. This was a goal of mine as a kid, find the eatable land with the daffodils and then grow up to be Diana Ross. Sadly, I have YET to find the eatable land, and I’ve been told that I cannot be Diana Ross.

This Earth is a cruel place.

 

 

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What are you trying to say, Amazon?

Category: dribblings

Amazon.com emailed me this morning all excited to let ME know that the second season of Police Woman (starring Angie Dickinson) was now available on DVD. What the hell, damn guy? The last thing I ordered from Amazon was a hat for dad and a Fisher Price digital camera for mom’s preschool. Why on earth was I recommended this? 

Now, I’m not going to sit here and deny that Ange (I call her Ange.) wasn’t a hot mamajama (or should I say, Big Bad Mama jama? See what I did there? Nailed it.) back in the day. I mean, if I had to be cuffed by a go-go dancing stewardess (they were called stewardesses back then.) who was actually an undercover cop, I’d want it to be Ange. Not that I think about that on a daily basis or anything. No, I don’t. YOU DO.

And just because I’m the only person my age who has seen The Sins of Rachel Cade, twice, doesn’t mean anything.
What. I can’t even tell you how it ends.
Yes, I can. Shut up.

Don’t look at me like that, you loved Ocean’s Eleven too. No, not the Cloontang version. The original. Yes, I agree, they were both entertaining. But c’mon who is more dynamic, Ange or Julia? You can’t be serious. Okay, I think we’re just going to have to agree to disagree on this one.

The point is, Police Woman? C’mon Amazon. You can do better.

(get out of my head, Amazon!)

 

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books update

Category: 50 Books

My reading has become spotty and cringe-worthy. I’ve started several different books and couldn’t finish them. I started Where is the Mango Princess? which is a memoir about a guy with a brain injury told by his wife and how she has to deal with that whole thing. It’s very good, and the author (Cathy Crimmins) does a great job of not bogging you down with huge amounts of medical jargon or self-pity, plus, she writes honestly so she tells you about her screw-ups and thoughts and such, but as I was reading it and thinking abot how she was going to have a totally different husband at the end, because his personality changed from the accident, I became a bag of sadness and couldn’t deal with reading it anymore. I think I’ll finish reading it sometime, just not this month.

Another bio I couldn’t finish was The Devil in Pew Number Seven by Rebecca Nichols Alonzo. I love true crime, I do, but I gave this one 70 pages and called it quits. I think the story is interesting, a pastor’s family is attacked by a terrible person so they will leave the church. But the telling of the story is too folksy, and a bit too sentimental (sappy, goopy, whathaveyou). I think she ends up forgiving the devil, I skipped ahead, but I can’t recommend this one, if it was 80 pages shorter, maybe.

Labyrinth by Kat Richardson is book #4 in the Blaine Harper series, and I couldn’t finish this one because I have lost total interest in the vampire arc AND in her and Quinton’s relationship. I enjoyed the previous books when they were more about her learning about her powers and it was more ghosty and less vampy. Oh well, hopefully I’ll go back to it later on.

J. Edgar Hoover Goes to the Movies by John Sbardellati. I love reading about McCarthyism, HUAC, Hollywood blacklist, all of that part of American history but this book was poorly written. It was however, greatly researched. It’s just that it read exactly like someone’s college thesis. And if that’s what it was, fine, but if you’re going to publish it for the public to read then it needs to be cleaned up and edited. When chapters start with “In this chapter I’ll discuss…” and the like, it’s just lazy. Take that shit out.

I had the exact same problem with Lincoln, INC.: Selling the 16th President in Contemporary America by Jackie Hogan. Fantastic idea for a book. But it had the same scholarly feel to it, and also had the “In this chapter I’ll discuss…” openers, which again, fine if you’re a student, but it should have been edited for public consumption.

I feel off my game because I started 9 books so far this year and only finished four.  

1. Still Waters by Nigel McCrery. 
 The main detective is DIC Mark Lapslie, and he has a neuological condition called synasethsia, where his senses are messed up, so when he hears sounds he gets tastes in his mouth as well. Usually detectives are alcoholics or something  so this was an interesting twist. I liked the rapport between DIC Lapslie and his sergeant. I also liked the twist with the serial killer, I’ll not spoil it, but it was a totally new killer, for me anyway. I did not like the whole Secret Serial Killer Rehab Project arc. It seemed ridiculous. I mean, if prisons are so full of bad guys that they have to let some people out, there’s no way they’d let out a serial killer over say, a drug guy, amirite? That whole part seemed to be extra, unneeded drama that really didn’t seem to go anywhere, but perhaps it shows back up in the next novel.

2. Second Shot by Zoe Sharp.
This is the 6th Charlie Fox book. I liked this one much better than First Drop. I had no idea who the real bad guy was until the reveal, which was really nice. I’m not too keen on the Sean character and I don’t understand why Charlie and her bodyguard team/whatever get all these jobs in the United States. It feels like bullshit because they get over here to “protect” people, but because they’re not citizens they can’t carry guns. I mean, what the hell? That’s a plot device I could do without, especially two books in a row.

3. Headhunters by Jo Nesbo.
I love Jo Nesbo, I love his Harry Hole series, and I think I have a crush on his author photo. He looks like Jason Statham. Plus? He’s in a Norwegian rockband. I’m not made of stone, friends.
This is a stand alone novel not part of the Harry Hole series. The back cover said it was like reading a Coen brothers’ movie. It was right. There’s no way I can summarize it better than the jacket cover:

Headhunters introduces us to the charming villain Roger Brown, a man who seems to have it all: he is Norway’s most successful headhunter, married to the beautiful gallery owner Diana, owns a magnificent house – and is living larger than he should. Meanwhile, he is playing at the dangerous game of art theft. At a gallery opening, his wife introduces him to the Dutchman Clas Greve. Not only is Greve the perfect candidate for the CEO position of the GPS company Pathfinder that Roger Brown is recruiting for; he is also in possession of ”The Calydonian Boar Hunt” by Peter Paul Rubens, one of the most sought-after paintings in modern art history. Roger sees his chance to become financially independent, and starts planning his biggest hit ever. But soon, he runs into trouble – and it’s not financial problems that are threatening to knock him over this time…The winding, explosive plot takes us from society’s financial and industrial elite to an underworld of contract killers and swindlers, offering Nesbo’s variations on the most spectacular murders, car chases and escapes that the genre has to offer on the way.

It is a total credit to Nesbo’s writing that I really loved this book because there’s not a single good person in it. Everyone is despicable, and I couldn’t put it down! This book was also much shorter than the ones in the  Hole series. It was the perfect length. It has already been made into a movie and I wouldn’t be surprised if they make an American version as well. This is the best book I’ve read so far this year.

4. Albert Nobbs: A Novella by George Moore 
I read it because it is short and there’s a movie out now and I thought I should read it in case anyone asks about it at the library. It was a very good idea for a book, but that’s it. It was like reading a first draft. Look, I get it, he wrote it in that weird stream of conciousness story of a story written with gigantic sentences kind of way. Whatever, that doesn’t make it good. The idea of the gender-bending waiterperson was fine. Great, even. But it wasn’t fleshed out, at all. It felt rushed and very incomplete. And I don’t mind a sad story or a sad ending, but I do mind a story that goes absolutely nowhere. Nothing happens and then it ends. Was this published posthumously?

****

I’m going to have to get my act together and start finishing more books, or choose better books, or choose mindless reads so I can get back into the habit of reading. I don’t know. Something.

 

 

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First Ladies Skate part IV

Category: dribblings

Last night was a skate night. Shreddy Ford and Snatchie Onassis chickened out because there were way more skaters there than usual, and the extra skaters? A local Boy Scout troop. LBJ, Barbwire Bush and I, Ladyjuggs Johnson, braved the crowd. And by crowd I mean 20 kids.

The kids were great, I mean, if you have to skate with kids it’s great to skate with a bunch of Boy Scouts because they have to be nice. It’s part of their schtick. Most of them stayed off the rink as they were more interested in eating pizza and playing the two shitty video games the rink still has working. It was fine.

All day long I tried to pump myself up by telling myself that skating was going to be great and that it wasn’t going to be scary. Maybe that worked because I wasn’t that scared. I mean sure, the first 10 minutes were horrible and I was wondering why on earth I was out there when I could be at home safe and sound catching up on Downton Abbey, but after that I got into a groove. A very old-person-trying-to-roller-skate groove, but a groove nonetheless.

Last time I was able to glide on each foot for two seconds. This time I wasn’t able to do that. So I was disappointed. It felt like I couldn’t lift my feet up at all for some reason. So I mostly rolled. Which, now that I think about it, I wasn’t so good at rolling the last couple of times. I would feel too wobbly to keep both of my feet down at the same time. Maybe that doesn’t sound like that should make sense but see, if you’re skating (moving feet side to side?) then you’re moving and your body is almost too busy to feel wobbly. Just rolling, I couldn’t go fast so i felt super out of control. This time I felt way more in control as i rolled, that is not to say that I didn’t feel like I was never going to fall, or that I didn’t constantly wave my arms around and go, “WHOA. Whoa. That was a close WHOA. WHY?! WHY AM I DOING THIS?!”

But yeah, rolling was easier and I wasn’t hunched over like the previous times either. I tried to stand up straighter.

All of that to say that this was the best I’ve ever skated and SHREDDY AND SNATCHIE WERE NOT THERE TO SEE IT.

Barb and LBJ were there so I do have witnesses. Also our middle school friend was there and he cheered me on as well. Then he talked LBJ into jumping the line. So LBJ jumped and fell. I missed this because I was too busy skating. But I heard it was awesome. But then LBJ got back up and continued to try to jump over the line in his skates, which he did, multiple times. Then he asked the kid how to skate backwards, which, we decided we’re not ready for, but the kid was so sweet and was so glad that LBJ was asking him how to do stuff that they became BFFs and I was ignored for the rest of the night. Typical.

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bluebird08

Category: Uncategorized

bluebird08 by fleegan.com
bluebird08, a photo by fleegan.com on Flickr.

Oh wait, turns out I did get a shot of him before he moved.

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blurds32

Category: Uncategorized

blurds32 by fleegan.com
blurds32, a photo by fleegan.com on Flickr.

This guy was sitting pretty and as soon as I hit the button he moved. I think it was on purpose.

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Lemony Snicket Fans part II

Category: dribblings

snicket02 by fleegan.com
snicket02, a photo by fleegan.com on Flickr.
 

I couldn’t cut the whole thing out and paste it so you’ll have to go back to the first one to see the first part.

I just don’t understand why it’s so wrong that I didn’t enjoy the book, or why other people feel the need to tell me my opinion is wrong ABOUT A KIDS’ BOOK I READ FIVE YEARS AGO.
All you opinion haters can just go back to Party City where you belong! (That was for Cookie.)

And for the record, I do recommend the series to kids at the ‘brary all the time.

 

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Reality TV will make you stupid. Enjoy!

Category: dribblings

RuPaul’s Drag Race is back! I don’t have tv anymore, but they post the new ep online here: http://www.logotv.com/video/episode-1-season-4-rupocalypse-now/1677963/playlist.jhtml 

This is the most quotable show on television.

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