6.10.08 liberry daze

Category: dribblings

so this lady comes up to the desk, right? and this is what she says to me, she says, and i’m not even making this up, and it even pains me to talk about this and you would know that if i were telling you this story aloud because you’d be able to hear the wearied sigh in my voice, she says, “do y’all have any books that are on the bestseller list?”

sigh. this is going to be good.

i hesitate for a moment and i just go with, “yes.”

“well where are they?”

they’re in the street. in the middle of it. the yellow lines? that’s where they are.

“are you looking for something in particular?”

“your bestsellers.”

“no, i mean…” really? did she really just say that? “is there a certain book you’re after?”

“i was just wanting something off the bestseller list.”

i’m being punk’d. right? “well, most of the popular stuff is checked out right now. if there’s one in particular you’d like to read i could locate it for you or, if it’s checked out i could put it on reserve for you.”

“what about the new Danielle Steele?”

“it’s checked out. would you like me to reserve it for you?”

“no, i want to read something now.”

“oh.”

“are you sure it’s checked out?”

“yes.”

“oh. so where’s her other books at?”

“okay, you see the shelves with the Indian Squaw on them?”

“yes.”

“her books are halfway down that shelf.”

“can you show me? i’ll never find them.”

“i can see them from here.”

“i can’t see very well.”

you’re a lazy liar. “sure, follow me.”

so i take her to the Danielle Steele books. “here they are,” i say.

“oh. now which one is her bestseller?”

oh i know, trust me, i was there.

“i think that… they were all…bestsellers.”

“what?”

“pretty much anything she writes ends up on the bestseller list.”

“well, which one is on the bestseller list now?”

the one where i smack you in the mouth with my patience. “i think it’s called Honor Thyself.”

“do you have it?”

“it’s checked out.”

“oh. what about Nora-”

“checked out.”

“her bestseller?”

“…yes.”

“is checked out too?”

“yes.”

“what about Ricky Scaggs?”

“i’m not familiar with that author. i could look him up-”

“you know, he’s the writer from Jacksonville? he writes about his family?”

“oh. you mean, Rick Bragg.”

“yes!”

“you want his new one?”

“yes! do you have it?”

“it’s checked out.”

“oh. so y’all don’t have any bestsellers here?”

keep it simple, stupid. “no. we don’t.”

“well i wish you did.”

“me too. i’d be happy to put any of those books on reserve for you.”

“nah. say, do you have any of those books with the recipes in them?”

“…cookbooks?” i wince.

by then one of my coworkers had pity on me (i was stuck with that cow for 20 minutes) and she took over. the lady was talking about some mystery writer who includes recipes in the backs of her books, i guess. i’ve been stuck with this lady several times before, but this was the worst. i hate her because she asks for recommendations and the she NEVER checks out ANYTHING i EVER recommend. mostly i hate that she acts so helpless… and she’s a fucking teacher.

i mean, when we were in the Danielle Steele books she was wanting to know which one she should read first. i told her that i didn’t think the Steele books were in series, that most of them were stand alones. then she was all, “well how do you know if it’s a series?”
well shitfuck lady, i guess eventually you’re going to have to TAKE A GADDAM BOOK OFF THE SHELF AND READ THE JACKET COVER. and unless you’re wearing dark glasses and carrying a red and white cane? I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT FOR YOU.

she is wasting our oxygen.

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Tags: ,

how can that dog be…. barking in the backyard…?

Category: dribblings

i’m trying to get used to the new site so there might be a lot of pictures posted in the next couple of weeks as:

1. i have to upload them and point to them differently than the old site, so i need the practice and

2. i’ve got a new memory card (and new battery packs on the way) for my digital camera. so i need to start using it more anyway.

plus, you know you love pictures of Rockstar Bigdog.

the mimosa tree in the backyard has bloomed these awesome pink mohawk flowers.

i know nothing of plants and trees, but this one is kinda cool. i used to have hair that looked like that. the whole tree is covered up with those things and it looks really pretty.

roxy wants to show you something.


hey! you guys wanna see my awesome fort?


follow me!


it’s totally under here, ain’t it cool?!

 

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SURPRISE! You’re a toolbag, Jaimie.

Category: dribblings

OMG. How long have I been misspelling the word surprise?!

ALL OF MY LIFE. I’ve been spelling it surprize ON THIS SITE and ON EVERYTHING I’VE EVER WRITTEN AND NONE OF YOU, MY “FRIENDS”, HAVE TOLD ME. Well, I’d let you know if you had a booger in your nose, or if there was something in your teeth. I’d even let you know if your breath was foul, and then I’d offer you some gum, BECAUSE I CARE.

et tu, bitches?

So hey, next time you notice me PATHOLOGICALLY MISSPELLING A WORD how about a shoutout or something? sheeeeeezus. how does something like this happen?

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28. Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

Category: 50 Books

28. Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

I’ve been interested in this trilogy since last year when I noticed lots of ‘tweens and teens checking out the books, and their disappointment when one of the books would be checked out. One girl was devastated when I told her it was checked out. “NOOoooo!” she wailed, “I want to read it so bad!” Normally I don’t pay that close attention to the YA section of the ‘brary, but like I said, we had kids fighting for these books. And when kids are fighting over something to read… that gets my attention.

I would forget all about the series until someone would check out the first book and there I’d be all, “Oh yeah, I need to grab that when it comes back in.” and of course, me being me, I’d forget about it. Here it is over a year later and I’ve FINALLY grabbed the first book and I’ve remembered to put the second book on hold at the ‘brary as that one seems to be REALLY popular and it never stays on the shelf. In fact, i’m number two on the list for that book and it’s OVERDUE as it is and the only thing I can figure out is either it is REALLY AWESOME or there’s a juicy sex part in it.

Twilight is about a girl, Bella, who moves to Washington state to live with her dad so her mom (who’s remarried to a minor league baseball player) can go to Florida to live with her new husband. Bella hates Forks (the small, rainy town in Washington). She attends the local high school, and she’s different from the other kids because she’s… clumsy? She’s very clumsy and I must have missed the part that explains why she is so clumsy. She’s a typical angsty-ish teen. Kinda sarcastic.

Bella is drawn to this one guy, Edward, who only hangs out with his brothers and sisters who are all beautiful and gorgeous. Turns out they’re all vampires, but good vampires. I’m not giving anything away that the back cover doesn’t give away. Although at first I figured Edward for a werewolf and not a vamp seeing as how he could go out during the day. Ms. Meyer decided not to go with the whole vamps burn up in the sun. Instead she opts for vamps glow magically in the sun. So it’s good that they live in the rainiest place in the U.S.A., and on really sunny days they skip school.

SPOILER ALERT. if you plan on reading this book don’t read the rest of this.

I was pleasantly surprised that by the end of the book Bella is not turned into a vampire. She wants it. Oh, does she want it. But it didn’t happen. I’m sure it’ll happen in the next book, or perhaps the third one. Basically what happens is a bad vampire comes after Bella and so she runs off to protect her mom and dad and Edward and his vampire fam save the day.

I’m sure if I had read this book when I was a teen or ‘tween I would have loved it. However, being that I am neither of those, I didn’t enjoy the book that much. I mean, school dances and jealous girls and misunderstood teens seem kind of trite now. I hate to say that. But well, that’s what happens when you age a bit.

I did manage to read it in two days. So it wasn’t boring.  I do want to read the second book to see what goes on (like I say, we can’t keep it in the ‘brary it gets checked out so much. which is weird cos the third one doesn’t get as much checkout action as the second. So i’m assuming there’s an awesome sex part in it.) I’m also betting there are werewolves in the second one cos it’s called New Moon. Just a guess.

There are definitely worse books that teens could be reading (V. C. Andrews, anyone?). This one didn’t have any swear words or sex in it. And I noticed that the author went to Brigham Young University so I’m wondering if she’s a Mormon, and if that’s why the book was so clean.

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Tags: , ,

mr. fleegan/laura: 1, jaimie: 0

Category: dribblings

so here’s the new, improved fleegan.com. if you run across something that doesn’t work lemme know. as it is i think anyone can leave a comment. if we start getting a bunch of spam or something we’ll probably have to change it to some kind of login? thing?

2 Comments | Permalink

Dribblings for September 2003

Category: dribblings

9.29.03
it was a bit chilly this morning (52 degrees with the F) and alas i had no pants to paint in. at one time i had a pair of painted up pants that laura gave me (they were a mite too big, but it beats messing up a pair of my good jeans, sorry, jains) but i guess after moving 2 or 3 times they got lost or thrown away.

so dad says, “well i guess you’ll have to mess up a pair of your regular jeans. you can buy some new ones.”

what? me? buy new clothes?
i’d rather take a beating. you know why? ‘cos i suck at buying clothes. that’s why. here’s a fine example:

last friday i went to walmarks to get some hair dye. (goodbye blue hair, hello black and blue hair!) so i glanced at some of the t-shirts they had and one was a really cute ringer t and i boght it ‘cos it was so cute. so i go home and eventually i wear that shirt and best says, “so you’re a lesbian now?” and my parents say, “what?” and i look up from my cup of coffee and say, “huh? did someone ask me a question?”

best: your shirt. it’s gay.
me: really? i thought it was kind of cool. wait. WHAT? GAY? HOW?
best: well, it’s got woodstock on it. woodstock is gay.
me: WOODSTOCK IS GAY?! WHAT?! NO! WHAT?!
best: yeah, and the rainbow is gay too. everyone knows that rainbows are gay.
me: …yeah rainbows… the rainbow is a symbol of the covenant that god made with his people and WOODSTOCK IS GAY?!! HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? WHEN DID WOODSTOCK COME OUT? I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WOODSTOCK HAD A GENDER!

shit. so now i have the gayest shirt in gadsden.
also, woodstock is gay. why didn’t i know that? i mean, sure, it’s obvious that marcy and peppermint pattie had a little sumpin-sumpin going on, but woodstock? he was a cutie. he talked in lines. damn those cartoon stealing gays!

anyway, back to the first part of the story. i didn’t have any pants but i remembered that i had a set of coveralls that i bought at the thrift store about 5 years ago. so i wore those. if i were about a foot taller they would fit. also, i really look gay in those. i mean, i might as well sew a name patch on the chest. Butch. or maybe Woodstock.
feh.

9.28.03
sigh. so busy on a sunday. so tired now.
had to drive to the evil, dark realm of anniston to look at a job. i think that drive is worse than driving to visit leetle brahther in TN.

i called jimmy this afternoon to just say hi and all and told him i was tired. he said, “aw, is wittle haimie going to make a sleepy?”

i don’t know why, but that made me laugh and laugh.
i love that man.

9.27.03
looks like the Queen of Broken Promises strikes back!
a whole week with nary a dribble.
let me just say, it’s been kind of busy, okay? is that good enough for you?! no? fine!

so anyway, i’ve been toying with the idea of fasting. if any of you have any thoughts on that let me know.

usually once a month i have dream where all my teeth fall out, shatter, crumble, or my teeth hurt so bad ‘cos for some reason there’s too many teeth that i start pulling them out to relieve the pressure. well, last night i had another teeth dream but this time it was jimmy’s teeth. and he started to pull his teeth out. i wiped the blood off his chin with a kleenex. then i woke up. weird, huh?

a couple of days ago i sat down to draw a gear. i wanted to draw a gear in perspective. i drew one or two in college but i wanted to draw another one because i needed a bigger one. anyway, damn that’s hard. it took me 2 and one half hours to figure it all out again. and truly, i’m not sure if it’s even 90% correct. i would scan it, but my scanner is ka-poot. maybe i could snap a pic of it with the dig-it-al? hold on.


look, i didn’t have time to set up the studio lights, okay?

so anyway, it looks correct, but i’m certain that technically it’s not. but who really cares as long as it looks good, eh?

but i’m having tons of problems drawing one in two point perspective, and i can’t understand why.

then i tried to draw one at a really severe angle, and that also didn’t work. at all. ptooi! i speet on you, funny angle that was going to look so cool! feh.

anyway, i gotta get back to sharon and barry’s wedding present blue dog. i’m almost done! all’s i gots left is the grass, yo.

9.20.03

JAIMIE JOINS THE PROMISE BREAKERS:

well, i guess i’m the Queen of Broken Promises.

last week i painted a flowers, right? which is something that i said i’d never do.

last night while my favorite band, Boogie Chain, played at the bar and held a themed “Funk Party” (complete with afro wigs and bad pants) i…i…got up and….and..i…dancedwiththedrunkenhippiesohmygodtheshame and that’s not all….i…i…heldmybeerinmyhandasidanced.
i always said i’d never do that.
promise breaker!

god may forgive me, but i never will.

IN OTHER NEWS:

we hung the art show last night (before my drunken white-girl dance) and it was very smooth. the smoothest yet, i’d say. zach and kristie were a huge help. i think it is intersting how these shows get set up. the first one jimmy and i hung most of it, and i think liz helped. the second one tami sparks and her male-friend at the time (who knew he’d be such an asshole later, i ask you?) hung most of it. and this time another couple, Z&K hung the show. i think it’s weird that different couples have hung the show each time.

if i were a sociologist i’d have more to say on the subject i’m sure, but i’m just a lowly artist/promise breaker.

9.19.03
i was in b’ham all day. sorry no dribble.

9.18.03
today at the library a young gentleman who might be gay, i’m not sure ‘cos i didn’t ask him, came up to me and was all, “i’ve had blue hair too!” and i said, “really? cool!” and he said, “it looks really great on you!” and i said, “thanks!” and then i checked out a book on the history of libraries, after i paid my 60 cent fine that is. feh, the fact that i had to pay for The Coffee Trader bugs me. i was doing the world a favor by keeping it off the shelves. i should’ve haggled.

then we went to eat at Miss Jean’s in RBC and it’s very small and very good. the lunch nazi (which is a meanish old lady) was there and the past two times we’ve eaten there she has been really nice to us, but the times before that she was a meanie, that is for sure. well she said she was jealous of my blue hair and wants blue hair and told me that my blue hair looks really good on and that it “goes” with my “color”. thanks, lunch nazi!

i think it has something to do with laura-bo-baura’s famous news paper article.

9.17.03
hey cookie, remember the other day on the message board you said that you watched Good Times and i was all, “i never watch Good Times!” well that’s not the whole truth.

lemme ‘splain.

every wednesday i’m at the bar, right? listening to awesome tunes, yo? well ,there’s about 40 television sets in the place and i usually stare at the one showing wednesday night baseball. i think it’s ESPN, but i’m not sure. anyway. go yankees, right?
hey, shut up ok? i’ve been a yankees fan since the ’80s ok? that makes me a true fan, dig?

right, so on one of the TVs there’s UPN and i guess that’s the channel that Good Times comes on, ‘cos like i glance over and there’s Martin and then two beers later there’s The Fresh Prince and then two more beers later i glance over and there’s Good Times. now, by this time my face is numb, ok? and maybe i haven’t had dinner yet too, ok? so you know, the beer is watching TV and not me, right?

so anyway, it’s not “closed captioned” like the other shows are so all i hear is loud music and i just get to “see” Good Times in all it’s silent glory. i have no idea what the “plot” is ever about. so anyway, here’s what blitzed jaimie has gleaned from watching Good Times every wednesday night for the last 10 weeks or so:

okay, so the mom is always crying about something.
the dad is pissed about something to the point of near abuse.
JJ struts into the room with a bewildered look on his face looking like a blind pimp dressed him.
and there i sit wondering why everything is so godamned orange.

so, how far off am i?

9.16.03
wow, so yesterday i wrote that everyone paints flowers and that i know why. well, Cowboy Zydeco called me on it and wants an explanation. so i’ve decided to do a Weekly on it. and i’m very excited about it. so, you know, next week’s epitomb and all.

conversation with dad #1:
me: hey dad, do you want some of this cheesecake?
dad: oh. no, thank you. i’m stuffed.
me: ok, but i’ve got some great cheesecake over here. maybe a tiny slice?
dad: couldn’t possibly. i’m too full.

so i go over to where dad is sitting with my sliver of cheesecake and i take a bite and say, “mmmmmmm this is great. are you sure you-“

“no! i don’t! fuck you!”

and then we laughed and laughed. i can’t explain why it was so funny.

conversation with dad #2:
me: what’s for supper tonight?
dad: i’m not sure. mom is going to the store when she gets off work. it’s a suprise.
me: oh.
dad: she’ll probably come back with one of those 30 pack chicken thighs.
me: oh man. i hate that.
dad: me too. who needs 30 pieces of chicken? and the pack doesn’t even fit in the ‘fridge.
me: what? i thought you liked them.
dad: what? oh god no. nobody likes thighs.
me: i know! but you guys buy them all the time!
dad: i have never bought chicken thighs in my life! it’s your mom! she buys them!
me: oh you’re kidding me.
dad: and then you have to cook them forever just to make sure you don’t have blood all in it.
me: ugh, and the ligaments and shit.
dad: oh i know, there’s tendons and you can see the muscle and god i hate thighs.
me: i know, i mean, i’ve even gone so far as to refuse to eat chicken on the bone.
dad: oh yeah, that’s right. good move.
me: why haven’t we told mom about this?
dad: i dunno, i always thought she must like thighs.

and in other news:
i forgot to take my books back to the library. i now owe them twenty cents. damn, RBC library with their ten-cent-a-day fines! ptooi! i speet on you!

9.15.03
so i finished a painting. it’s a big deal. it’s not a great painting by any means. it’s much too small. it’s flowers, which is something i always said i’d never paint. everyone paints flowers. i know why.

conversation the other day:
also L is not laura.

L: (in the other bed room) jaimie!
me: (in my room) yeah?!
L: zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance?!
me *mumbles* hmm? that sounds familiar….*brain kicks in* oh! yeah! yeah! it’s a book!
L: zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance?!
me: *mumbles* why is she…?
me: oh yeah! i bought that book a while back, did you find it?
L: zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance?!
me: *sigh* i think it’s supposed to be pretty good. i read part of it in high school.
L: yeah, but zen?
me: i think it’s just the title. it’s not instructional or anything. i think it’s like a “stop and smell the roses” kind of lesson.

i can’t remember if she asked, “does your mom know you’re reading that?” or if she just implied that question in her, “zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance?!”

but i remember it made me feel stupid. like i’m not supposed to read things with the words zen or buddhist or catholic or whatnot ‘cos i’m a “christian”. and lord knows reading something about something might just seduce me to the dark side of the force.

i guess what bothers me is that i used to think that way. i think i’m getting a little bit better at being more tolerant and open minded, not in a “i want to explore that other religion” kind of way but in a “huh. look at that” kind of way. like a zoo! like you can go and see the cages all separated and there’s the christians! and there’s the moslems! and over in that section is where the Wild Cults live! let’s go check out the moonies!

mom! can we go to the religion zoo?! please? huh? can we? please? mom? zoo?

anyway, like i say, i’m getting a little bit better at not shutting my brain down the minute i hear or read something that has a different belief than me.

except for that damn new age movement.
fark dat shyte, yo.
derp!

9.14.03
i started David Liss’s The Coffee Trader. i’m certain this will be one of the ones i don’t finish. not only because it’s due back on tuesday but also because it’s a historical novel…period piece? and it seems that the author must have minored in 17th century Dutch economics. and if there’s one thing i hate more than the Dutch, it’s economics. por exemplo:

He walked silently, head down against the light rain. Today was, on the Christian calendar, the thirteenth of May, 1659. Accounts on the Exchange closed each month on the twentieth; let a man make whatever manuevers he liked, none of it mattered until the twentieth, when the credits and debits of the month were tallied and money at last changed hands. Today things had gone badly with a matter of brandy futures, and Miguel now had less than a week to pluck his fat from the fire or he would find himself another thousand guilders in debt.

Another thousand. He already owed three thousand. Once he made double that in a year, but six months ago the sugar market collapsed, taking Miguel’s fortune with it. And then–well, one mistake after another. He wanted to be like the Dutch, who regarded bankruptcy as no shame. (p5)

yawn.

however, the dialogue, i’ve found is pretty um, well:

At the bottom of the stairs, an enormous man, shaped remarkably like a pear, blocked their passage, and sensing that someone wished to get by he moved his bulk backwards to prevent anyone from squeezing past. He held a tankard in one hand and a pipe in the other, and he shouted something incomprehensible to his companions.

“Move your monstrous bulk, fellow,” Hendrick said to him. The man turned his head just enough to register his scowl and then looked away.

“Fellow”-Hendrick tried again-“you are the hard turd in the ass of my journey. Don’t make me apply a purgative to flush you out.”

“Go piss in your breeches,” he answered, and then belched in laughter in his friends’ faces. (p9)

so there you go.
but you have to hand it to the Dutch. when they named things, they named it in such a way that you know that it has to be Dutch. one ‘a’ is not good enough. if etowaah county was holland, we would live in gaatschden. heh.

9.13.03
i finished reading Sandra Newman’s the only good thing anyone has ever done. it read’s like a rough draft complete with out of sequence flashbacks and lists. it’s really neat the way she wrote it. it’s an ordered stream-of-consciousness, Faulkner would be proud…or jealous or strangely disappointed, i’m not sure. i haven’t asked him if he’s read it yet. (hey, if you guys see him around would you let him know i’m looking for him? thanks.) however, just what the book is about is kind of hard to describe, so i won’t. just know that what it lacks in solidarity it makes up for in wit. dry, dry humor. good stuff.

9.12.03
i worked at the sign shop today. it was fun, but i am glad that i don’t have to do that everyday. i think it’s the phone that bothers me the most. it was weird though, about 3/4 of the calls i answered remembered me and was so excited to get to talk to me! me! craZy huh? i thought so.

also i saw the movie The Order. um, yeah. the previews made it look scary and cool. but it was not scary and also it was…not….good. it was confusing and not well though out and just blah. it had such potential…if only it had been about something.

dear The Order,

what was your plot about anyway?

next time, might i suggest some brain storming, thought clusters, and rough draft before you just dive into making a movie, hmmm?

D+

blahfully yours,
jaimie pickle

9.11.03
hmmm, had a tiny bit of a hangover this morning.
i have not turned on the TV all day because i don’t want to see any 9/11 stuff as i still cry when i see the buildings ablaze and falling and really, why should i have to look at that stuff when i can just live in my happy bubble world all day, a safe land where nothing is sharp or sad and everything smells like coffee and baking bread. oh sure, i am a simpleton, but i don’t see where me watching the sadness over and over will make me anymore hopeful or any less helpless. besides it’s all about marketing and washing powder isn’t it?

Faithful Athiest had a cool thing on his site today wherein he fantasized about winning an imaginary lottery! it seemed like so much fun that we all did it!

i started a painting today for the art show next week. nothing like waiting until the last minute…just like in college.

today my father made a lamp out of a clarinet.

i’m nearly finished with the book i’m reading, and i think (i know, scary) that i’m gonna finish it and get it back to the library on time. well, i just jinxed that didn’t i? d’oh!

9.10.03
once again it was wednesday.
once again we went to the bar.
once again there was great music.
once again many beers were consumed.

9.09.03
i got this e-mail from cookie:

What is up with the earrings?  Mine were fine, FINE!  Then I woke up one day and it was pain.  I brushed my hair behind my ear and barely touched one, and I thought my head would explode.  

No one understood the pain, Jaimie.
i know, sweetie. they think we’re just being big babies.    

I’d taken the originals out and put cool ones in.  Some sort of sick, earring mojo happened and my ears did not like my fashion choice and rejected the earrings.  I guess.  But they started throbbing and bleeding.  And please, trying to get them out?  No thank you!  The pain of that was like no other.
i know! i’d rather take a beating then have ear pain!

So one night, I finally decided to stop being a wimp, and I took both sets of earrings out, cleaned my ears, and put some “sensitive ears” labeled earrings in the top holes.  Now my original holes are getting knots and itching to high heaven and secreting some sort of clear fluid which dries and crusts on the back of my ear.
yeah, what is that stuff anyway? no wait, don’t tell me. i don’t want to know.

It’s very gross.  It’s like my ears were in the Mafia and I thought everything was going ok, but then unbeknownst to me, the second hole offended the family, and suddenly, when I least expected it, Vinnie shows up and takes my ears for “a ride”.   

Anyway.  When I read your “dribblings” about your ears, I wanted to let you know that if you have not gotten earrings that are labeled for “sensitive ears” at Clairs, OR 14K gold earrings (70% off at Kmart almost all the time, I got a pair for $7.50 and I loved them and then I lost one so make sure the backs are secure, I hate Kmart) then you should probably invest in those now.  They are both good for hurting ears.  

Also, any woman that would try to take your girl card away for using wire cutters on a pair of offending earrings is an evil robot who will eventually short circuit and bounce into a counter saying “I thought we were friends” a la Stepford Wives.  Wire cutters are the bomb.  I wish I would have thought of it.  

i heart cookie. i like how she’s able to work in a mafia reference when refering to ear rings. genius, sheer genius!

9.08.03
Bowling For Columbine is out on video rental now.
so get off yer arse and go watch something smart!

9.07.03
dear mean, angry, cashier bitch at foodworld,

i am fairly certain that if you had witnessed my 15 minute, neurotic, painfully slow search for the four most perfect plums in your produce section, you would have been about 100 times more careful with my plums than you were ringing them up. if you had seen me pick up and lighty squeeze to test the firmness of each fucking plum in your store and look over each square inch of fruit to make sure as not to choose a runny, bruised, or rotting plum, i am sure you would not have so carelessly bounced my bag of now not-as-perfect-as-they-were-before plums along the check-out station.

if you had seen me lovingly pluck the four juiciest, reddest, ripest, sweetest looking plums with absolute care, and place them gently, lovingly, like a mother plum placing her baby plums delicately into the soft bed of a plastic produce bag and nestle the tender bag of perfect fruit into the shopping cart nest between the bread and cheese curls to form a protective cocoon around my perfect plum babies, that you sure as shit would not have smashed them into the grocery pile between the cans of soup and dog food and pushed the whole pile closer to the bag boy. i could only watch in horror as my poor plum children were herded in with the hard canned groceries and then were rolled over by a giant oversized can of Chunky Soup™ only to be further abused by the bag boy.

and you, bag boy, you were the genius mastermind behind the conspiracy to kill my perfect plums weren’t you? your cashier cohort didn’t do enough of a “bang up” job on my plums for your sadistic taste didn’t she? so in a complete and final killing blow to my now less than perfect bag of plum goodness you decide to bag my plum babies with the giant, honking gallon of 2% store brand milk. kudos, you sick son of a bitch, kudos.

you idiot sunday workers, if you only understood that the produce section on sunday afternoon is lousy at best, then surely you would have been more careful with my plum children. my four perfect plums that i picked out of maybe three dozen. the plum babies that i adopted just like Cabbage Patch Kids™ only they were plums and also did not have hard plastic faces. the plums, my plums, who are now soft and mushy and crying in the crisper.

thanks so much.

love,

jaimie pickle

9.06.03
today is my leetle brahther’s b’day. i called him and sang to him 3 times. in a funny voice of course.

i finally got the earrings out. i went and bought some new ones that i’ll probably leave in until Jesus comes back to take us all home. a very huge part of me regrets getting my ears pierced.

9.05.03
i am an idiot and cannot get these earrings out of my ears. i have blood dripping out of one and the other one is so sore i can’t stand it. and yes i turned them everyday. it’s those damn locking backs i can’t get off. and as if they aren’t hard enough to get off they are slippery with blood, so there you go.
i.am.so.angry.

i keep thinking that cutting them off with wire cutters is the way to go. sometimes i suck at being a girl.
seriously, any other girls out there, when struggling with jewelry, think about wire cutters as a solution? please? anyone? e-mail me at jjpickle at cybrtyme.com and let me know.

i just know that the Girl Police are gonna hunt me down and take away my Girl Card. please don’t turn me in.

9.04.03
well can you believe it? Linda Eder is coming to b’ham to perform with the ASO on sept. 27. i wish i could get jimmy to take me. too bad he doesn’t have a twin brother who is flamingly gay. how much fun would that be?

me: hey jimmy’s flamboyantly gay twin brother, you wanna go to the Linda concert with me?

jfgtb: oh my god! like you even have to ask?!

me: great! the concert is on-

jfgtb: for the love of judy! i have nothing to wear!

me: dude, it’s ok. the concert is four weeks away-

jfgtb: and listen girlfriend, you are NOT wearing a t-shirt and jeans to this shindig. no way! or you aren’t going! i’ll take rick instead!

me: gimmie some credit here, i was planning on wearing a skirt. what? don’t give me that look. i was. i have a skirt, y’know. i do! and who the hell is rick?!

jfgtb: oh some hottie i met the other night.

me: you are such a slut.

jfgtb: *gasp* i know! you’re just jealous. and you’re gonna wear make-up too! and we’re gonna fix your hair and everything!

me: there’s nothing wrong with my hair! and how much make-up? just a little, right?

jfgtb: honey, i’m talking cat-eyes.

me: now wait a minute, jimmy’s flamboyantly gay twin brother, this is Linda…not Tori. i will not wear eye liner! lipstick, ok. eye liner, no.

jfgtb: you are so hateful!

me: shut up, fag.

9.03.03
ah, another typical wednesday for our favorite blue-haired heroine:

i worked all day in the hot, hot sun, the same sun they use to keep hell boiling. i painted. they decided they didn’t like the color. so i had to wait like a shemp ’til they got back with a color they did like. then i painted over what i had just painted.

after work i had to go pick up the jeep from the mechanic.
this week it was the power steering.

got home; showered; pet the itty bitty kitty goobye.

went to the painful church meeting.

then we hit the bar and listened to the Supplements. great band. once again you were not there. we missed you. even jimmy was there. he brought his new toy, a cell phone hand held computer star trek transporter thingy. and you didn’t see it, ‘cos you weren’t there.

oh well, there’s always next wednesday…what perils lay ahead for the jeep? pro’ly tire rotation.

9.02.03
i spent all day in a bathroom mostly on the floor. we painted it a nasty shade of bright purple with white trim. the wife loved it. the husband hated it. all i know for sure is that i hate painting bathrooms. not only is it a claustrophobic nightmare, but you have to paint behind the toilet. and there’s my face…right there…next to the thing that’s had everyone’s ass on it every day. gah.

also, no weekly. i think maybe i’m gonna take september off and perhaps just do one of these dribblings every day. we’ll see.

9.01.03
wow. so we had a party yesterday. a cookout. we drank almost two cases of beer. and then we played cards and yelled a lot. and then we found a pair of those tanning bed eye goggles:


oh mine papa


flippy got in on the action

then we found some goofy teeth, a pig snout, and a big honking orange toboggin:


leetle brather

i left around 1am to go “home” (don’t ask) and when i got back to mom and dad’s house this morning there was a t-shirt in the toilet. it seems i always leave just as the party is about to get craZy.

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Dribblings for November 2003

Category: dribblings

11.30.03
so i am drinking a glass of red at the moment. and it’s from a bottle that i opened on thursday. today is sunday so that’s what? 3 days? anyway, the wine tastes really, really, really salty. salty to the point that i spat it in the sink and said, “hey, who salted my wine?” and then checked for large clumps of margarita salt on the rim of my glass, of course, finding none.

has anyone heard of this? did my wine go bad? i thought i had at least a week before wine turns. what gives? is it because it’s australian? should i just stick to france and italy for my reds or what? jjpickle at cybrtyme dot com.

11.29.03
so i was playing my guitar the other day and no one was home so i decided it would be “safe” to sing a song and i realized that i don’t actually know any songs and i’ve been playing guitar since i as 16 and i was in a band for like, 3 years and i think i should know a bloody bollicky song by now don’t you?

so i was trying to remember an ‘even so’ song ‘cos like, i should AT LEAST know one of those right? i mean, hell i wrote a couple of those, i SHOULD KNOW ONE STUPID SONG SHOULDN’T I?!

but i couldn’t think of the lyrics to Better Than This. which was the only song that i knew the chords to. so then i thought, ‘hey what was that other song we used to play that we always played after Better Than This?’ and i remembered that i think that song was capoed but that since i played bass that i played in a different key, right? but damn i can’t remember how that song went, and ALSO i couldn’t remember one stinkin’ lyric and i’ll have you know it took me TWO DAYS to remember the words to the CHORUS of that song and then it hit me that the name of that song is not in the lyrics of that song. and of course it didn’t matter anyway, as i was unable to come up with anything on the guitar that sounded even close to that song, which i’ll have you know is Over Coffee at a 24 Hour Diner. and don’t ask me to sing it ‘cos i have no idea what the lyrics are.

so THEN a week later part of one of liz’s songs busts into my head all “BEFORE YOU DUSTED YOURSELF OFF!!!” and i thought, hey what was THAT song? shit. i can’t go on for days thinking that lyric over and over and not knowing what the hell that song is. i’ll call laura. she’ll know.

laura: hello?

me: yeah, is this the Ho Department?

laura: yes, this is Head Ho speaking.

me: hay. so you remember that ‘even so’ song that went, “BEFORE YOU DUSTED YOURSELF OFF?!”

laura: huh. ‘even so’…that sounds familiar.

me: ha ha. do you know the one? i think liz wrote it.

laura: was it Lullaby?

me: no it wasn’t Lullaby, like i could forget Lullaby. i would kill to hear Lullaby again.

laura: was it Silver Lining?

me: ohh, no. a haunting tune that was though, huh?

laura: yeah. oh wait. i know which one it is…

me: you do? great. oh man you’re saving my life here.

laura: was it the one that you stole the chords from an Alice in Chains song?

me: oh man! no. it wasn’t that one. you wrote the lyrics to that one. this one’s a liz song. shit. “BEFORE YOU DUSTED YOURSELF OFF!” shit.

laura: oh wait. um, Clearly Enough?

me: GASP! yes! that’s it! oh you are the best. you saved my life.

laura: remember you hated that song?

me: no, i hated the character in the song. not the song itself. i loved all our songs…i just never learned them.

11.26.03
my mom and i don’t talk a lot. but when we do it’s usually short and to the point. and sometimes, we don’t even say anything. and the weird thing is, we know exactly what we’re talking about.

por exemplo:

i have not mentioned anything to mom about buying her a b-day present or what i would buy her for a present if i was going to buy her a present. and as i was walking out the door yesterday i said, “hey, i ordered your birthday present today…so don’t go buying anything, ok?”

“really?”

“yeah.”

“‘cos i went to the christian bookstore today.”

“you didn’t.”

“i did.”

“shit.”

“but i couldn’t find it.”

“oh thank god. he blinded you.”

“yeah. i couldn’t believe i couldn’t find it.”

“well, don’t look for it anymore. it’ll be here in a couple of days.”

“it will?”

“yeah. happy birthday mom.”

11.25.03
i was in schlotsky’s this evening waiting on a reuben sandwich and i hear this:
“hey, he spray painted his hair green!“

i look over and there’s a table full of small girls and the parents were at a different table in their own world meanwhile their tiny daughters are staring at me in wonder. i sigh.

“hey look, and he has earrings!”

yeah kid, and he’s got a pair of tits that are to die for.

bloody kids. when i was a kid we weren’t allowed to talk.

11.17.03
i managed to get a library book back to the ‘brary on time! yay me and my mad book returning skillz. first time this year.

yes, this is on the message board, but i thought i should post it here because not everyone goes to the board, although they should:

mom just got back from a “southern district super special meeting” thing in new orleans and she was talking about this new “program” called Contagious Christians.

i said, *gulp* “and what is that all about?”
she said, “it’s this neat way to witn-”
“nooooo!”
“-ess to people. i’m thinking about ordering it for our church. what is your problem.”
“god’s sense of humour is truly remarkable. but he fights dirty.”
“excuse me?”
“i just wrote a scathing dribble about idiots who witness to me.”
“how scathing?”
“i use the fuck word in it.”
“oh.”
“i have a very big mouth.”
“it’s easier to put your foot in it then, isn’t it?”
“oh man, the ultimate defeat. both you AND god get the last word in.”

11.15.03
WARNING: THIS DRIBBLE IS RATED R
because i use the “fuck” word and yell at god.

you know what i hate about all you damn baptists? you’re all trying to “save” me. leave me the hell alone!

look, it’s not like i hate the fact that these assholes are witnessing to me. that’s their “job”. i get that. really i do. but when i tell you that i’m already a christian how about shutting the hell up and moving on to your next victim, ass?

[hey god, i’m gonna have to start hurting some of your children. tell then to back off, yo.]

i’ve had to “prove” my christianity twice in one week to two of the dumbest humans on the face of the planet.

i guess i’m a target because i have fluorescent hair. but still, i think that once i explain that i’m a christian that they should be okay with that and move on, but no, not for little jaimie.

stupid girl: “so, are you a christian?”
me: “uh. yeah. are you?”
“i sure am!”
“uh that’s great.” please go away.
“what church do you go to?”

whatthehell difference will that make?
“i go to the lutheran church down the road.”
“the what?”
mental sigh “i’m lutheran.”
“oh. is that…is that a christian church?”

oh fuck. did you drop out of high school or something?
“yes. it is.”
“so you believe in jesus? sometimes you just never know about these churches these days.”

yep those new-fangled lutherans,ya just never know WHAT they believe, and right now baby jesus wants you to stop bothering me.
“yes. i believe in bab- in jesus. yes, love the jesus.”
“oh. i see. well can i ask you a question?” like, that’s new?

oh fuck here it comes. if you ask me if i were to die right now if i would go to heaven i think a piece of me will die inside.

“if you were to die right now, would you go to heaven?”

hmm, i dunno, before or after all the terrible thoughts i’ve just had?

it’s times like these that i wish i had a gun or big knife.
“i don’t know! let’s find out! and i’m takin’ you with me!”

after i feel the small piece that died inside of me, um, die, i say, “yes. are we done now?” no more polite.

[dear god, call your minions off me. amen]

also, does that garbage ever work? i mean, is that line of questioning just the thing to warm the hearts of non-believers? huh? for real? ‘cos i’m thinking that if it pisses off a believer it’s bound to piss off most non-believers.

and hey, for all of you witnessing-types out there, how about edjumacatin’ yourselves on, i dunno, other types of christian churches other than your First Baptist Church of Townsville so that next time someone tells you what christian denomination they are you’ll just say, “cool.” and move the fuck on.

11.13.03
Hi. MY name is Tunses and I am Jaimie’s cat named Tunses. I herd that Jaimie waz telling lieful lies about me becus Scabees told me so. I just want you all to no that I am a nice and gud cat kitty cat. I am luving cat kitty cat and I luv Jaimie all the tim. I even sleep at the end of her bed and chas away bad dreems for her becus I am so gud and nis cat kitty cat. I nevr skrach or bit her and I always go ‘meew’ befor i jump on her to give her a heds up hello! That is what nis cat kitty cat am I. All of Jaimies frends luv me. They say how grat and luvable I am. Wen Jaimie comes back from leaving I always run out to greet her and i purr and meew and roll and show her my belly to say, ‘Hi Jaimie! I love you this much!’ See how much I luv her? And what dus she do? She tells lieing lies on me and oh wait her she comes act cool

OH MAN THAT WAS SO CLOS!

She came in and piked me up and thru me down and said, ‘Get off the keyboard, dammit!’ that means she luvs me ‘cos she did not thru me out of the room she let me sta. Oh well I better stop now incase she comes back and thros me out for reel. I luv you and Jaimie becus I am a gud cat kitty cat!

luv,
Tunses

PS. Scabees says hi!

PPS. Blue Dog is mean!

11.06.03
i saw The Matrix III last night.
it was surprisingly terrible.

i mean, it was so bad that as i sat there watching it and trying not to fall asleep during the whole GIANT HONKING WAR sequence, i thought, “this is reminding me of The Abyss.” and i sat there wondering what i’d rather be watching instead of The Matrix III…the first two frodo movies? or all three of the American Pie movies?

yeah, that’s how much it sucked.

i mean, there was one guy whose lines consisted of:
“goddamn it! are you insane?”
“jesus christ that’s crazy!”
“this is insane goddamn it!”
“christ jesus, have you lost your goddamn mind, goddamn it?”
such writing. such acting. i mean hell, do ALL the characters have to be made of wood?

the GIANT HONKING WAR took too long.
i could’ve written a better ending.

the first 30 minutes were cool though.

and oh yeah, Matrix? Tron called, they want their giant talking head back. thanks.

11.03.03
i have a nemisis.
her name is Toonces.
she is a cat.
a whorecat.

that cat manages to screw up my perfect, early morning, very important, if i don’t get this sleep then i am cranky all day, sleep. every morning. i hate her.

it didn’t used to be this way. we used to be pals. when i was in college we were best buddies. but now we’re all grown up, and i think we’ve both gotten a whole lot crankier.

what did the cat do this time you ask?
did she jump on my head at 4:30am?
did she make biscuits on my face at 5am?
did she meow for a constant 30 minutes at 5:30am?

nay, THIS time the cat did none of those things. because THIS time i remembered to put her ass outside before i went to bed.

so THIS time my sleep should not have been disturbed by any sort of feline mayhem. but oh, that Toonces is clever. THIS time i was awakened at 4am by the unholy sounds of Catfight Sex. i swear it sounded like there were 40 cats outside my bedroom window all howling and waiting for a turn at Toonces, who was also howling. there was howling, screeching, fighting, sexing, singing, screaming, and that other indescribable noise that cats make during Catfight Sex.

so i get up and look at the clock.
the red numbers read: SUCKER
i blinked.
4:03
huh.

so i get up and go to the front door and open it loudly and i growl, “ARGARRRRRIHATEYOUFUCKINGCATSDIEDIEDIE!” and all the cats run away in fear as does Toonces, who usually does not run from me because i pretty much save her from more cat rape, but lately Toonces and i are not on speaking terms. this is due to her Feline Morning Mayhem on my head and the anger that ensues. so anyway, great. no more cats.

but it’s never that easy.

‘cos by the time i got to the door the dogs in the backyard had also heard the unmistakable sounds of Catfight Sex. So Blue and Scabielynn proceeded to bark until dawn. i’m not sure if the girls were mad because they heard the cats, or if they were jealous ‘cos they weren’t getting any. all i know is that from 4am-5am i was awake and plotting the violent deaths of the neighborhood cats. i’m not gonna fault Toonces for being the sexiest cat in the ‘hood. but still, i hate her for being able to mess up my sleep without having to be in the house.

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6.03.08

Category: dribblings

ATTN: Piss and Moan Dept.:

mr. fleegan and LBC are in the middle of moving my cheese. and by cheese i mean website. and by moving i mean COMPLETELY CHANGING IT AROUND AND MAKING IT INTO A MYSPACEBLOGGER ACCOUNT. or something like that. i didn’t want to do it and i’ve been fighting them on it LITERALLY for YEARS. but the fighting them is getting to where they’re out numbering me and talking gibberish and trickery and i’ve agreed to look at some things as long as it doesn’t look like everyone else’s site with a graphic at the top and an annoying sidebar with shit all over it and then a big rambly part in the middle.
shit.

you will note the sarcasm above.
note it!

they want to change it because apparently it’s lame to use HTML or some such nonsense. and i think the only reason laura wants to change it is so people can leave comments under each of the postings. well, what the good hell is there in that? things gotta get all changed around so that strangers can leave me messages that say shite like “OMG LOLZ I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER NOW?” or whatever the hell the internet has coughed up lately. you internet, with your damn pictures of cats and lazy spelling, get off my lawn!

is my sarcasm coming through? is this thing on?

s’anyway, laura’s working on an awesome design and jimmy just now got on to me for updating in HTML. “hey, what are you doing? the new blog is up!”

“no it isn’t. laura’s working on it.”

“nuh uh! she finished! update on the new one!”

“IT IS NOT FINISHED. IT’S STILL IN PROTOTYPE-Y PHASE. see?”

“well, but you could update on it anyway.”

“no. i can’t. it’s not all there. when laura gets it all how she likes it and shows me how the hell to move things over and i get the old stuff all archived on it and it’s working fine and you change it over to be fleegan.com… THEN is when i update on the new site.”

“…well, i could change it over to be fleegan.com now.”

“DON’T YOU TOUCH IT.”

so soon, you guys will be able to leave comments (if you dare), and i think you’ll even be able to search the site and there will be tags? which are important? or new? or good for something? and i think i’ll be able to update the blog from home and work. and by work i mean lunch break, boss.

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6.02.08

Category: dribblings

lots of times i’ll hear songs and i’ll hear a bit that sounds like another song. i don’t know if these people just like those parts of songs so they put it in their songs, or if it’s serendipitious, or if it’s blatant theft. it seems like there’s a Tori song that has a bit in it that sounds like Gordon Lightfoot’s “The Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald” but i can’t remember the Tori song. of course.

one that has bothered me recently (which is dumb cos they’re both old songs) is Liza/Petshop Boys “Losing my Mind” and Robbie Dupree’s “Steal Away” (just when you thought you’d get it OUT of your head, eh Carol?). it seems that the Petshop Boys just stole that riff.

Here’s Dupree’s song (which came befoer the Liza song):

and here’s Liza/Petshop Boys song:

or did they both rip off the Captain and Tennille?

and did you notice she’s not singing into any microphone? sweet.

another one that i can’t help but notice is (and this is lame i know) The Pointer Sisters’ (i love ’em) Neutron Dance:

and KT Tunstall’s “Black Horse and the Cherry Tree”

i mean, it’s ridiculous of me to think she stole their ‘woohoos’, but still. i can’t hear it without thinking of the Pointer Sisters. don’t get me wrong, i love both songs.

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5.29.2008

Category: dribblings

the cyndi lauper concert has been cancelled. and you’ve no idea how disappointed we are. you’d think someone kicked our dog. we never do anything cool like that, and the one time we try? shat upon. well, piss AND moan. we could get tickets to the one on the monday, but it’s not the awesome mega ticket experience we were so excited about. and now we’ve become a bit disenchanted with the whole thing.
two tears in a bucket…

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