The One About Themed Chess Sets

Category: weekleez

The One About Themed Chess Sets
May 28, 2008

hi kids,

it is well known among our friends that mr. fleegan and i happen to be great nerds. we do not shun our nerdom, nay, we try to embrace it, and yet manage somehow to not boast (much) of our nerdly deeds. that being said, the one part of my life that is severely lacking in nerdness is that of the “gaming” variety.

oh sure, i subscribe to gametap so i can play all the old sega shit, and i was really into Myst URULive, (until they did away with it.) and i’ve been known to waste an hour or ten at flipword, but who hasn’t? and i wasn’t going to mention the Guitar Hero franchise THAT I TOTALLY DOMINATE, B1TCH3S! E4T 1T! but i figure that i should mention it because well, YOU SUXORS, PUKEFACE!

but for the most part i’m not that into video games because there’s too many buttons and things are trying to kill you and there’s time limits and mushrooms and rupies to collect and really, i just don’t have the time. well, that’s a lie. i’ve time. it’s mainly the too many buttons and the dying and having to start over that bug me.

so i continue to rock the sudoku and the word games on gametap (and that stupid D.N.A. game where you make flowers? yeah, i’ve lost time to that game as well.) and sometimes my friends and i play cards or dice. but the one game i used to play when i was a kid that i NEVER get to play anymore is chess.

i love chess. i loved it when i was a kid because it was like checkers with brains, and the pieces were so cool, like the hood ornaments on cars. and i felt like a grown up because chess is a game that old people and freaky brainiac children play. not everyone knew how to play it, so if you knew how you’d get to play more games at school cos everyone had to wait and take turns to play checkers. but it was only me and this one other kid, mark, who knew how to play chess. so we pretty much got to rock the chess board for the whole P. E. period… on rainy days. if it was nice out we were outside being forced to play kickball or four square. and so it was, on rainy days you knew what color you’d be by who got to the chessboard first. white goes first, but we would rush to the board to get to pick the color first so we could pick black, because the black pieces always looked cooler, slicker, and somehow smarter.

when we got a little older it wasn’t cool to play games and it was even less cool to play a game with a boy. “ew!”
so i stopped playing chess at school. every once in a while my brother and i would play at home, but he was way more into nientendo than chess. and then i grew up and married a nerd! would you believe me if i told you that mr. fleegan doesn’t know how to play chess? at least, that’s what he tells me. maybe he just doesn’t want to play chess, right? i mean, it’s not very action-y. it’s kinda dull, really. so maybe he lied about his lack of chess so he wouldn’t have to play a boring old game. i did badger him about it, and i really think he doesn’t know how to play. and since it’s not animated and there’s no aliens shooting at you when you play, he has no real want to learn. i told him his nerd license was going to be revoked. but he said he’s a geek and not a nerd so he didn’t have to know how to play chess.

is this true?

so i’ve still no one to play chess with. which is no big loss i guess. i’m not really a competitive person. plus it’s saving me a shit-ton of money because YOU KNOW i’d have me that Civil War chess set by now. pewter pieces with the felt bottoms, baby! you know which one i’m-a talkin’ about. with not just any board, but the big, horking raised board with all the battle scenes and rebel flags and junk. oh yeah.
Franklin Mint, suckas!

so really, it’s a blessing that i’m not getting to play chess. my house would be dedicated to themed chess sets that you, being a normal, would never even realize existed until you came over and then it would just make you sad. sad to know that there are themed chess sets such as:
Ancient Egypt the Chess Set!

and you know all about harry potter having a chess set:

but did you know there’s a Hogwarts/Quidditch set? catch the golden snitch and it’s checkmate, fool!

and of course we’ve got to have a Star Wars set.

oh snap! let the wookie win!

and i’m not even going to go to where the Lord of the Rings chess sets live, because they wouldn’t live at my house. but you know me, i’d probably spring for a Spiderman set. and i love how the board looks like a rooftop for some awesome 3D moves!

and my summer parties would be all the rage with the Giant Fucking Yard Chess:

“mom! billy’s slipnsliding through our chess game again!”
“billy, i told you to leave your nerds, i mean, your brothers alone!”

and your livingroom will look like “a goddamn town meeting” when all your friends come over to play Aliens chess! GAME OVER, MAN! (and i love how the alien pieces look like the alien is dancing to the theme from Fame. and now, so do you.) is Ripley the king or the queen?

i couldn’t find Xena, Highlander, or NASCAR themed sets.

but they do have Sherlock Holmes the Chess Set.

and Batman.

they also have Simpson’s, Peanuts, marijuana chess (the pawns were pot leaves and the other stuff was bongs and junk. not a real typical chess nerd thing i wouldn’t think.), Transformers chess, Alien vs. Predator Chess, lots of fancy metal-y chess with wizards and dragons, Lego, some regular chess pieces made out of pretty wood or precious metals, or frosted glass, ivory, jade, rubber. there is shotglass chess (and how much fun could drunk chess be? probably not very fun.) and Lord of the Rings shotglass chess:

cos the regular LotR figurine chess set wasn’t gay enough.

there is every war you can think of: Waterloo, Trafalgar, Hastings, Revolutionary War, Crusades.

there’s many fancy sets that i’d love to have including this one:

it reminds me of the crystals from Superman’s Fortress of Solitude and can’t you almost hear Marlon Brando telling his son he loves him?

i think i’ve read some weird things about Man Ray, and i probably wouldn’t have been friends with him or anything, but damn, i do love his chess design.

i extra special LOVE this set made out of nuts and bolts and car parts:

thankfully, my credit card is nowhere near the computer or i totally would have ordered that thing. it was a little over $200, which i didn’t think was too bad really.

i’m not usually a fan of the marble/stone chess set, but i actually like this one. i think it’s the board and the fact that white pieces aren’t so white.

this ends The One About Themed Chess Sets. i’m all nerded out.

jaimie “would.you.like.to.play.a.game?” pickle

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5.26.08

Category: dribblings

on friday mr. fleegan and i drove up to Marysville, OH. on saturday we attended a surprise party for my favorite people, The Fish Fam. and on sunday we drove back. it was a stupid thing to do really, cos gas prices are at their highest, and it was such a quick trip. but it was totally worth it to see the look on chuck and lou’s face. then we drank the hell outta some beer.

the hangover on the 9 hour ride home wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been, i guess. it was mostly a queasy stomach and me profusely sweating beer out of every pore. and i stank. and every time we stopped for gas or to eat or whatnot i tried not to get too close to anyone so they wouldn’t have to smell my hangover. then when we got home i went to the store to get stuff for a salad (cos we ate junk for two days, we needed the health.) i saw one of the regular library patrons. i was all, “please don’t make eye-contact, please don’t make eye-contact, you don’t see me, i’m a box of oatmeal cream pies, these aren’t the droids you’re looking for.” i managed to get away. but she probably did see me and thought, “my word, would you look at her? she looks like she slept in those clothes after she drank free beer all night. gross. and yuck, what did she do to her hair?”

today i had the supreme pleasure of babysitting ben. i only watched him for about 3 hours, but let’s be serious, it was just me and a one year old kid. for three hours. at my house. which is like, filled with sharp things and bottles of booze and bleach. i don’t even have outlet covers. i’m not talking about the childproof plastic thingies that go into the outlets. i’m talking about the plates? that go over the hole in the wall where the outlets are? so it looks pretty? yeah. i don’t have those. i have SOME of those. just not, you know, all of those.

oh hush it. he was fine. we watched cartoons, ate some cherrios, ate some kind of orange space food, had a poopy diaper, he put his fingers up roxy’s nose, played with the tambourine and djembe, and basically had a great time. he was afraid of roxy but then he kept saying, “dog.” and pointing to the back door. so then i’d pick him up and we’d go outside and he’d freak out and try to climb on top of my head. but after a second he’d cool it and then point at roxy and reach for her. he’d touch her nose and then freak out all over again. i’d take him back inside and he’d be all, “dog.” and point again. we did this ninety hundred thousand times. it got to the point when i’d take him out to see roxy she would just stay in her dog house all, “forget it, kid. i’m too comfy and you aren’t bringing me any treats.”

i’m just proud that i didn’t have to call for any reinforcements. i did call mom and dad (they’re up in TN visiting li’l bro.), i said to them, “hey listen, i’ve got ben for a couple of hours, okay? so here’s the thing, i need you to come home. NOW.” they thought it was funny.

****

i’ve got some cool news! mr. fleegan surprised me with tickets to see cyndi lauper and the B52s in june. we were sitting over at mom and dad’s house and he was all, “hey cyndi lauper is coming to atlanta next month.”

“yeah, i know. but tickets are probably already soldout.”

“not all of them. they even have these tickets you can get where you get to meet cyndi lauper. wouldn’t that be cool?”

“my god, it would be a nightmare.”

“what?”

“what the hell would i say to her? i’d spaz out.”

“you get your picture taken with her too. and a bunch of free stuff.”

“those tickets are probably a mortgage payment each.”

“well, but. wouldn’t it be cool?”

“no way, i’d probably vomit words all over her. make a fool of myself. remember that time in birmingham at the galleria when we saw that newscaster lady? and i nearly had a fit cos she was almost like a famous person? can you imagine my response to being so close to someone like cyndi lauper? no, i’d be a total fool.”

“well, that’s too bad cos i got us those tickets.”

“you what.”

“i got us tickets to that concert and it’s the Meet and Greet package.”

“you… what?”

and Flippy was at the table all, “ha! you go, jimmy!”

and i’m all, “how much money did you just spend?! are you crazy?! is this a joke?”

“nope.”

“cancel it! cancel the tickets!”

“what?! no!”

“my god, how much were they?”

“i’m not telling! and don’t you go looking it up either. if you look it up i’ll cancel them.”

“…”

“no wait. if you look it up i’ll buy two MORE tickets.”

“shit!”

“ha!”

“oh man, did you really buy tickets?”

“yes.”

“for real?”

“yeah. we haven’t been to a concert in a long time. heck, we haven’t been to the movies in months. and we haven’t taken a vacation since our honeymoon. so really the tickets weren’t so bad.”

“cyndi lauper and the B52s? that’s going to be so awesome!”

“plus, you get to meet cyndi lauper.”

“shit, what a nightmare!”

“i know, you are so gonna spaz.”

“shut up! maybe not. maybe i can be cool.”

“what are you going to say to her?”

“hopefully? nothing.”

“heh, i can’t wait to see you freak out.”

“um, listen. you DO know that the True Colors tour is like, a big gay thing, right?”

“wait, what?”

“it’s a gay pride thing. i’m pretty sure.”

“i guess that would explain why rosie o’donnell is one of the “and friends” on some of the tour dates.”

“just don’t wear a muscle shirt and you should be okay.”

“well, we went to that Ani concert that time.”

“yeah but, that was militant lesbians.”

“there’s a difference?”

“well, i think lesbians are more practical while the dudes are more… not practical.”

“what does that mean?”

“i have no idea. i’m going to meet cyndi lauper in three weeks!”

“i know. it’s going to be hilarious.”

and now every once in a while jimmy will bring it up, “so, whatcha going to say to cyndi lauper?”

“oh, can it, you nit. maybe i’ll have laryngitis.”

or he’ll say, “have you thought about what you’re going to say to cyndi lauper?”

“no! hopefully i’ll be polite and not say the fuck word or spit when i speak! and what about you, genius?! you’re gonna be there too. what are YOU gonna say?”

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27. Sway by Zachary Lazar

Category: 50 Books

27. Sway by Zachary Lazar

I was intrigued by the cover, I know! I’m ALWAYS suckered in by covers, right? But this book was in the fiction section and had The Rolling Stone on the cover. I had to pick up and see what it was about. Here’s the description from goodreads:

Three dramatic and emblematic stories intertwine in Zachary Lazar’s extraordinary new novel, SWAY–the early days of the Rolling Stones, including the romantic triangle of Brian Jones, Anita Pallenberg, and Keith Richards; the life of avant-garde filmmaker Kenneth Anger; and the community of Charles Manson and his followers. Lazar illuminates an hour in American history when rapture found its roots in idolatrous figures and led to unprovoked and inexplicable violence. Connecting all the stories in this novel is Bobby Beausoleil, a beautiful California boy who appeared in an Anger film and eventually joined the Manson “family.” With great artistry, Lazar weaves scenes from these real lives together into a true but heightened reality, making superstars human, giving demons reality, and restoring mythic events to the scale of daily life.

The jacket cover had a much better desciption.

I really wanted to like this book. Honest. I mean, the Rolling Stones, Manson Family, 1960s… what’s not to like? But the whole time I was reading it I kept thinking about how the book, while you can tell the author did tons of research, was still just fiction. And not only that, but if you think about it it’s fanfiction. Rolling Stones/Manson family fanfiction? Really?

And all the parts (of which were many. most, even.) with Kenneth Anger made me really hate the book. I didn’t like him. I dunno if that’s what the author was going for or not, but he just seemed like a parasite. And all the homosexual stuff was just way too often. I mean, “we get it, he wanted to suck off all the guys. That’s great. Can we move on? Because I’m moving on.” Is all I’m saying.

The idea behind the story is fascinating, I think, but the book just doesn’t work. It’s too slow, or too gay, or too forcing with the occult hooha all the damn time. And the ending was disappointing all, “wow. that was intense. but we lived through it and now we’re all old and not even friends anymore. oh well.”

So if you see this book around, read the jacket cover cos you’ll be all, “hmm. that’s interesting.” but then put the book down and walk away.

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5.22.08

Category: dribblings

MOXIE!

oh snap!

after talking about Busch beer the other day, (BUUUUSSSCH!), i kept thinking about the old commercials and was singing, “HEAD for the MOUNTAINS!” and “head for Busch beer!” that i had to see if ye olde youtube had any of those old commercials. and you know what?
they did.

okay, this one kills me. it KILLS me, peoples. (it’s the BUUUUUSSSCH that does me in.) and also, who is that singing? is it Hoyt Axton? and is it ironic that he was addicted to drugs and alcohol? and is it sad that even though he was a great songwriter i mostly remember him for being the dad in Gremlins?

 

 

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5.20.08

Category: dribblings

i actually made it to mom’s coffee klatch this morning at The Grind. i didn’t make it last week cos the jeep wouldn’t start and the week before that i think i may have overslept. but this week, this week i made it. jamie, the tuesday morning barista, asked if i wanted to try the Sinatra. she’s always got a different latte for me to try, and she knows that i’ll try anything as long as there’s not banana flavoring in it. she says to me she says, “you want to try the Sinatra?”

and i said, “does it come with a fedora?”

“…no, but that would be awesome.”

i think she said it had caramel and cinnamon. it seems that the flavored lattes with the fancy names all taste pretty much the same. but they’re all good for a once a week treat. i couldn’t stomach drinking coffee that sweet every day. i can’t stand sugar in my regular coffee. and i’ve noticed that on the tuesdays i make it to the coffee klatch and drink the sugar fancy coffee, by the time i get to the library i’m wired for sound. and then i promptly crash after lunch.

***

yesterday at lunch i was with Mary and Suzie and Bennett. Ben wanted some gum and Mary told him that the gum she had was too spicy, but that she had a caramel in her purse he could have. i snickered. she was all, “what?”

“a caramel in your purse? that’s such a grandma thing to have.”

which is perfectly fine since SHE’S HIS GRANDMA. but she acted like i had just insulted her and proceeded to tell every patron and coworker about it for the rest of the day. which then turned into a “what did your grandma have in her purse?” conversation. most said their grandmas had tissue and chewing gum in their purses. someone asked, “well jaimie, what did yours have in her purse?”

“um, a pack of Winstons* and those gross mints…what were they… not Sucrets.”

“lifesavers?”

“no, they were supposed to be chocolate mint, but they had no flavor. hold it, i’ve almost got it. it was a diet candy. not ayds.”

“AIDS?”

“VELAMINTS! she had velamints. the chocolate ones. and she kept her smokes in one of those long coin-purse type cigarette pack holders? so the lighter and the pack of smokes were always together?”

like one of these.

so what did your grandma keep in her purse?

*i seem to remember my grandma and grandpa only smoked Winstons and drank Busch beer. they lived in Tampa and i think maybe the Busch thing was cos the brewery was right there? it was probably cheap. but they’re the only people i know who ever drank Busch. remember the commercials? BUUUUUUUUUUSSSSCH!

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5.18.08

Category: dribblings

i just finished a great book by Melissa Delbridge called Family Bible. it’s her memoir of growing up in Tuscaloosa in the ’60s. it was awesome. i learned about the book from the author herself on goodreads. she had posted a blurb about it on the alabama goodreads group, and the blurb was so funny i wanted to read the book. so i requested it at the library (i’ve connections, you know) and the book came in last week! the book was really funny, but it was serious too. and it reminded me how weird Alabama is. how could i forget, right?

i really love this state. i don’t know why. on one hand it’s such a beautiful place and the people are so friendly and my god, the food. but on the other hand it’s history has some really ugly parts to it, and i think we forget that the history? wasn’t so long ago. and there’s just something about the south that thrives on secrecy and ugliness.

still, i’m glad i live here. sometimes i wish i had moved away to some posh city and had some kind of meaningful job. but when i go places to visit family or friends i miss home so much. even when i was in TN last week, i couldn’t wait to get home, and it’s not like TN is that far north, right? but there i was in a Kroger in Murfreesboro all, “SON of a BITCH i hate this town! there’s too many damn people! this parking lot is a gadam deathtrap! home! let’s go home!” it’s so big and busy and no one looks at you.

and i was hating it because even though it’s the south, Murfreesboro doesn’t feel like the south to me (there’s no sweet tea). i guess because it’s so big. it’s a college town and it’s crazy huge and everytime i go up to visit little bro, there’s a new roadway, mall, school being built. i mean, they’re even talking about builing a BibleLand theme park, for crying outs. i’m not even making that up.

and Gadsden may not be a prize, i mean let’s face it, we’re pretty limited in the entertainment department (although it has improved in the last 10 years), and yeah, there’s a lot of close-minded assholes. and the megachurches scare me. but the people here are so friendly it’s almost comical*. and you can go in any restaurant in town and get a big-ass sweet tea.

*i can’t tell you how many times i’ve been in the grocery store and asked a complete stranger a question about a product, “have you used this?” or asked how to cook something, “excuse me, have you made lasagne before? okay, is it cottage cheese i need? thanks!” and strangers are proud to help you out, i’ve never gotten a dirty look from someone when i’ve asked a question like that.

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5.15.08

Category: dribblings

the jeep continues to purr like a kitten. well, more like rattle like an old bag of metal bones.

‘brary story:

my coworker answered the phone and it was a lady who wanted to renew her book. the convo went a little something like this:

“this is M., how may i help you?”

“i need to renew my book.”

“okay, what is your name please?”

“name.”

tap tap on key board.

“okay, the computer has two books on your account, is this correct?”

“yes, but i only want to renew the one.”

“…right, um, but both books are due today.”

“i’ve already read the other one.”

“yes, but the books are due today. why don’t i renew both of them?”

“no, i just want the one.”

“but both… okay. the new due date is blah blah blah.”

of course she renewed them both. aren’t patrons funny sometimes?

****

sometimes at the library i see teachers that i once had from school. what’s funny is when i was a kid, the ones from elementary school seemed SO OLD. and here they are 20 years later and they look exactly the same. weird.

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5.14.08

Category: dribblings

in case you were wondering, and i know you were, li’l miss jeepers did not let me down. it was just a bum battery. and? dad took the battery to be tested and Advance said that it was a bum battery (it was only a year old) and they gave dad (pro’ly cos he’s a guy) a brand new battery even though dad DID NOT have a receipt for the bum battery. They recognized it as one of their own and looked up dad’s phone number.

Dear Advance Auto Parts,

I usually buy my car stuff from you guys cos my Uncle Chuck works at an Advance in Ohio. I’ve never had problems with the batteries i’ve purchased there before, and there have been many. So I am totally willing to give another one of your batteries a chance. And thank you for making good on your sales. You guys rock.

Love Always,

Jaimie

****

Dear Red Jeep,

I knew it wasn’t you, baby.

Love,

Jaimie

PS, Let’s go to work together today, okay? Awesome!

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5.13.08

Category: dribblings

yesterday i got ready to go to work and then my jeep wouldn’t start. so i had to walk to work. i don’t live very far from the library so it was no big deal. Roxy could see me walking from the backyard and she wailed and wailed in a, “why aren’t you taking me?! why can’t i go?! but i’m good! i’m a good dog! WHY?!” i could hear her all the way to the library parking lot. it broke my heart.

speaking of broken hearts, the jeep, she is breaking mine. dad seems to think it’s something horrible wrong with the jeep. he thinks that it is mysteriously draining the battery from some undetermined source. i’m telling him that it’s probably a faulty battery (the battery is only a year old) and that if i get a new battery everything will be all right.

but Doomsday Popsicle is all, “you know, Charlie Martin had a jeep like that. he had problems for years cos he couldn’t keep a battery. it just kept draining and draining.”

“yeah, well i’ve never had a problem with that. why would my jeep JUST NOW decide to start killing batteries?”

“i don’t know. but he had a problem for years.”

“my jeep would never do that to me. i’m good to her. she knows that.”

“jaimie, it’s a car.”

“DON’T. YOU. EVER-“

so before we go and buy a new battery for her, dad’s going to put his battery in her and we’ll leave it overnight and see if the ol’ girl drains his battery. if it’s drained in the morning i’ll cry those big crocodile tears.

Dear Jeep,

Baby, don’t do this to us! Cos listen, Jimmy keeps talking about “our next car is going to be a hybrid.” and i’m all, “well one of our cars has to die first.” and then he looks at you and goes, “tick tock tick tock.” like you’re on borrowed time. Prove him wrong, baby, prove them all wrong. I know you’re not eating my battery. I know it’s a bum battery that’s causing all this. You wouldn’t betray me like that. Not like that.

Cos if you do betray me? If you’re doing this on purpose? If you’re throwing away all those great years we’ve had by eating up batteries in such a way that i’ll have to spend tons of money on you then i will kill your face off (starringnicholascageandjohntravolta) and buy some kind of gay electrical toy car. And it will be on your head! You know this! I’m so good to you! You get regular oil changes, fuel treatments, air in your tires! Look baby, I know you’re getting older, okay? But c’mon, you’re only 17 years old and you’ve only 190,000 miles on ya. You’ve still got it. You’re in your prime, baby!

Don’t do this to us! Don’t make me Ol’ Yeller you.

Love,

Jaimie

*****

in ‘brary news:

i had to clean up a large puddle of pee in the girl’s room yesterday. i know, and you’re right, i don’t get paid enough to clean up human waste. while i was in there a lady was in there at the sink and she sees me with rubber gloves and paper towels and disinfectant spray and she says, “oh, i think that’s just water from a leaky toilet. it’s not what you think it is.”

that would’ve been nice, i guess. but as soon as i opened the bathroom door the scent of urine was quite strong, and our toilets? aren’t leaky. so. yeah it was piss. i used the paper from my B.F.A. degree to clean it up.

and i know, it was just pee. it could’ve been a lot worse. and really if it had been any worse? i wouldn’t have cleaned it. turds and puke? i don’t make enough money to clean that up. besides i’d be too busy hurling my guts out. and you’d think after living with Toonces the Hairball Queen i’d be used to dealing with puke. but i can’t tell you how many times i got sick while cleaning up her sick. it was ridiculous, really. damn cats, with their horking.

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5.12.08

Category: dribblings

if you know me, and you know you do, you know that i hate birds. you probably also know that i’m not too keen on plants. i respect the plants, well, not holly bushes. i hate holly bushes. i hate them because i am a house painter, and on numerous occassions i’ve had to fight with holly bushes which, not only are sharp and stabby on the outside but on the inside they are usually filled with bees and/or wasps. they are nothing more than a winged-stinging insect fortress. often the painter loses the battle. oh, the house gets painted, but the painter has wounds for the effort. paint monkey hate holly bushes. and it ALWAYS seems that people plant those bushes like, 4 inches away from the house. why?

anyway, other than holly bushes i’m okay with outside plants (obviously no one is a fan of poison ivy and the like), but houseplants? they just aren’t for me.

last year when i started working at the library all of my fellow library workers were really concerned (more than i thought necessary) about these two “corn plants” that were in this smallish flower pot. “they need a bigger pot. they’re probably already rootbound.”

“they’ll die pretty soon if they aren’t replanted.”

“jaimie, what do you think?”

“me?”

“yeah, do you want to take these plants home and replant them?”

“me?”

“yes.“

“no.”

“but they’ll die if they aren’t replanted!”

“well, then… can’t you just… throw them away?”

GASP “no!”

anyway, one day i get to work and it’s been decided that i’m to take home the plants and replant them in a bigger pot. i was not happy with this arrangement, but i was new to the job and kind of intimidated by two of the ladies. so i took the damn things home. there just happened to be a largish flower pot at my house (previous renter’s) and so i went and bought a sack of dirt. i paid real human money for a sack of what’s basically EVERYWHERE in my yard. but the dirt in the sack said it was full of nutrients and was awesome for plants. and the dirt in my yard could not promise me that. although it seems to be doing fine for dandelions and other weeds.

so i took the plants out of the small pot and yes, the roots were the shape of the pot. so i kind off loosened them up as much as possible. i had to tear some of the roots off. i figure there were tons of roots and that they would grow back in they needed them.

honestly, the plants didn’t do so well. one of them lost most of it’s leaves while the other kinda stayed the same. earlier this year while i was doing something else like cleaning house or something, i has hit by a clue-by-four and thought, “hey, maybe i should’ve planted the plants in separate pots?” so when i went to work i asked one of the plant lovers about it.

“you mean when you repotted them you put them in the same pot?”

“well, yeah. they were in the same pot to begin with.”

“but the whole point is that they needed more room because they were getting bigger.”

“well, i put them in a bigger pot.”

“…”

“right. so. i should separate them?”

“are they doing okay?”

“well, one is kinda dead and the other is trying to die.”

“you should separate them.”

“damn.”

“are you watering them?”

“i didn’t think they needed much water.”

“they don’t.”

“and you said not to over water them.”

“right, they don’t need much water.”

“…”

“but you have watered them, right?”

“…no.”

“what?!”

“you said they don’t need much water!”

“they don’t! but they need some water!”

“you never said that.”

“are you trying to kill the plants?”

“no! i BOUGHT a sack of DIRT. i spent money on them!”

“i can’t believe you haven’t watered them.”

“i thought they were like a cactus! plus the dirt i bought has nutrients in it.”

“are you really this dumb about plants?”

“hey, you guys forced these things on me!”

“okay, look. separate the plants okay? different pots. and then? water them occassionaly!”

“like, once a month?”

“you could do it more often than that.”

“see?! okay, that’s not “not much water”. that’s “water them every two weeks” okay?”

“they’re plants! they need water!”

“right. what about sun? you said not to put them in the sun.”

“yeah, don’t put them in the sun.”

“but they’re plants… green ones.”

“…”

“don’t they need the sun to… photosynthesize?”

“don’t put them in the sun. have you been putting them in the sun?”

“no! you told me not to. but you also said they don’t need much water so i’m trying to figure out if “don’t put them in the sun” actually means “well, obviously put them in the sun” or what.”

“don’t put them in direct sunlight.”

“so i could just leave them in the garage?”

“no!”

“i was kidding.”

“put them near a window, but not in the window.”

“and then eventually these plants will give me money?”

“what?”

“or grow some delicious fruit?”

“what? they’re corn plants they don’t have fr-“

“or the leaves are medicinal? i can smoke the dried leaves? make a tea?”

“no, of course not!”

“flowers then? make my house smell good?”

“jaimie, they’re corn plants! don’t you know anything-“

“so basically you’re telling me there’s no payoff here?”

“what?”

“plants belong outside.”

“but-“

“and it’s a green plant! what kind of green plant doesn’t like the sun? or water? how do these things even grow in the first place? i mean, if they’re so fragile to the elements how do they live outside? i mean, wherever these things actually grow, right? there’s bound to be rain…more than twice a month, yeah? and the sun? it shines like, every day.”

“just repot them separately and? when the dirt is dry? water them.”

“fine.”

look, i’m not Plantgirl. i don’t even WANT to be Plantgirl. but i separated the damn things and i even wiped off the leaves with a damp paper towel. and now i water them sometimes. the one is kinda full, right? it has big leaves. but the other one only has three leaves left. but that one is also the only one with new growth coming out of the top. so i think i should pull off the three leaves that are left so that the new growth will get all the nutrients. does that make sense? what say you plant people? and also, why can’t i just plant these damn things outside? wouldn’t they rather live outside where their roots could grow as big as they want? instead of living in my house forced to listen to The Essential Cyndi Lauper and The Best of Hall and Oates 17 hours a day?

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