Pre-July, oh my.

Category: dribblings

So we all know that July starts in 19 days because I’m sure that you, like me, keep a countdown of that bitchy, scortchfest of month that is some kind of bullshit, catch-up, karmic The Purge of my life. Maybe that didn’t make sense to you. This means you’re blessed and all the shitty stuff in your life happens in such a way that’s spread out over time and seems normal. Mine? Mine starts in June (Pre-July) and gets crazier until July busts in in a blaze of sulfuric volcano spray of liquid metal and ash.

What? I’m sorry, WHO is being dramatic?

So Pre-July is here, and so far it’s just been little things. I think maybe it’s stealing my sleep because I’ve done some boneheaded things that usually I would NEVER do because I’m so together and with-it all the time. One day last week, I went to take a shower. While in the shower I was wondering why I had no hot water, thinking maybe something was wonky with the water heater. When I got out of my shower and dressed, and walked into the kitchen I was shocked, SHOCKED, that the dishwasher was on. Did I turn it on and THEN go take a shower? Yes. Yes, I did.
Unless I want to entertain the thought that a ghost turned on the dishwasher, which, no thank you, Ghost Maid.

Day or two later, I go to take a shower again. The water heats up, it’s good to go, I start to get lathered up, and 15 seconds later the water is hell-hot. What the shit? I’m home alone. Who flushed the damn toilet on me? I’m thinking maybe some one came in and used the hall bathroom and flushed, and boy are they gonna get it when I’m done, but nay, I stick my head out of the shower and look and it’s the toilet next to the shower. I must’ve flushed it as I was getting in the shower. I don’t remember doing that, but that’s the only explanation I can come up with.
You think maybe Ghost Maid did it?

Reckon Ghost Maid could get off her ass and fold some laundry around here?

The third thing that happened to me I cannot blame on Ghost Maid. I was scooping out some sherbet, which I don’t even like, but Mr. Fleegan bought it so I figure the faster I eat it the faster I can go and pick out AN ADULT FROZEN DESSERT TREAT. (It is a fact that rainbow sherbet is for children. Why he made that purchase, I’ve no idea.) ANYway, apparently I eat like a child, and when I went to lick the spoon with my whole mouth (shut up) I didn’t notice that the damn spoon was damn FROZEN and it stuck to my tender, baby-soft lips. And instead of being the cool-as-a-cucumber adult that you know I always am, I panicked and jerked the frozen-to-my-lips spoon from my mouth and ripped my whole face off (starring Nicholas Cage and John Travolta). I promptly took the Lord’s name in vain and cursed the very existence of sherbet.

“What’s wrong, are you okay?” asked the sherbet buyer.

“NO. THIS GARBAGE FILTH CHILDREN’S ICE CREAM WASTE IS TRYING TO KILL ME.”

“What?”

“My face is bleeding and I hate the world.”

 

Tags: ,

No Comments