Autumn of the Spiders

Category: dribblings

If this summer was the Summer of the Snakes then fall is turing out to be Autumn of the Spiders. I’m not looking forward to this.

I was weeding in the front yard today, I know, I didn’t learn my lesson from last week? No. But it’s not like the yard is going to weed itself, am I right? LAZY YARD, GET A JOB.

I was doing this small flower bed that’s in the front yard, it was overgrown with grass mostly. THIS time I was watching for spiders (I didn’t have to worry about poison ivy because there wasn’t any around) and let me tell you, the spiders were all over the place. They were those big yard spiders? Maybe they are Wolf Spiders? Anyway, tons of those were living in the ground in that area. And then, while I was weeding the last little section, I found this piece of filth:

 

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New Experience!

Category: dribblings

So I’ve had some new experiences this September and I’ll not talk about them because they’re not fun to talk about, but I will tell you about the thing that happened on the last day of September while I was out weeding and trimming and other assorted yard clean-up duties. The yard is a disaster, it’s kept mowed but any kind of “landscaping” is completely accidental. I’m not fond of plants. Take them or leave them. I don’t care.

But there is one plant on the property that I feel beholden to, Anna’s rose bush. The rose bush is on the side of the house, next to the creek and has been here on this earth longer than I have. I think that’s a pretty good run for a plant that’s not a tree. So I try to do right by it, and what that means is three times a year I’ll clean up around it because since it’s close to the creek all these other bush things and vines try to choke it out.

It’s not a fancy rose bush, just one of those shrub rose types. And the damn thing has blooms on it for most of the year, I don’t know how.

So on Friday I was cleaning up the rose bush, fighting the poison ivy, poke weed, strange vine flower devil thing, and since I was close to the water, working on not falling in the creek and watching out for snakes all while keeping an eye on Roxie because I was letting her hang with me outside of the fence. She’s really good about sticking to me. Unless of course a squirrel comes by. Anyway, it was cool out so I figured the snakes would be hiding and/or slowish so I wasn’t too worried about them. My main concern was poison ivy and running across a yellow jackets’ nest (because they live in the ground and they are fierce this time of year.)

I worked for about an hour and half and was having great luck. I was on my last batch of limbs and weeds (in the wheelbarrow) and I noticed that there were three yellow jackets buzzing around the wheelbarrow. I thought, “Cool, that’s my last load. If I can get this to the street without getting stung I’m gold!” and I did. No stings. I’m awesome.

So I put up the wheelbarrow because the only stuff left to clean up could be toted to the road by hand. I’m cleaning up all the bigger stuff and this wad of vines, and I’ve got both hands full, dragging the very last of the junk to the road when I feel this poking pain near my wrist. I figured it was a thorn or stick poking into my skin so I keep walking and kind of shook my hand to move the stick/thorn. I’m still walking to the road and yet, this poking thing is still poking. I’m probably 30 feet from the road when it hits me, “You’re not being poked, dumbass, something is biting you.” So I drop my stuff and sure enough a smallish black spider is busy biting me and filling up my arm with all of his menacing spider ju-ju.

It wasn’t a terrible spider like a black widow or brown recluse, it was just some ass hole yard spider. So don’t think that this is going to lead to pictures of my arm rotting off.

I’ve never, in my life, been bitten by a spider. The bite itself isn’t that painful. Like I said, I thought a thorn was poking me, it wasn’t like a bee or wasp sting. But the hours and days after a spider bite? It is a sight to behold. It looked like a mosquito bite, for the first hour. Oh, and I should mention that as soon as I smooshed the spider I decided I was done with the yard for the day. I went insde and took a shower because I’m no dummy and I know all about poison ivy, that shit is sneaky and it’s best to get clean ASAP.

After my shower I tooled around on the internet for a bit and noticed that the spider bite was getting bigger. Two hours in and alla sudden my arm was swollen and hurting like a son of a bitch. And the itching, my God, the itching. Well, I’m not a total idiot, but I know nothing about spider bites, and I was home alone and thought who do I ask about this? And it hit me, go to work and ask Joanie, she knows everything. She’s seen it all, done it all, knows it all.

So I go to the library and say, “Hey Joanie, I’ve got this thing-”

“That’s a spider bite.”

“I knew you’d know! Now, what do I do about it?”

She’s like an encyclopedia, that woman. She told me what to do, and she told me what would happen to it. It would hurt for days, itch for days, and it would turn into this yellow pimple thing that would probably ooze  pus.  And she said if it got worse than that to go to the doctor because they’d probably give me an antibiotic. She knows everything! Because all of that totally happened. Except for the doctor part. It’s not bad enough for that.

This is day four and the bite still hurts like a bruise.  It’s not leaking so far this morning, but it’s early yet. The swelling is way down. And? It’s not hot to the touch any more. Up until yesterday the bite was huge and red and really swollen and was so hot. Today, it’s much better.

Also, some people at church yesterday suggested I put a salve on it. So I hopped  into my time machine and picked some up at the Oleson general store. I don’t know if you’ve ever bought a drawing salve before, but it’s like buying a tiny tin of sticky earwax. Yeah, gross, I know. I kind of hate to admit it, the salve seems to have helped.

So now, for half the day I go around with my wrist bandaged so’s the salve can work. That’s fine, I just wear a sweater or jacket to cover it because I don’t want people thinking I screwed up a suicide or something. The bad thing about wearing sleeves though, is that I have poison ivy on both arms (this is the most poison ivy i’ve ever had at one time) as well, and the sleeves constantly irritate the VERY STUPID ITCHY RASH. I’m going out of my mind with burny, itchy, hurty arms.

So to sum up: Pray for my arms, you guys.

 

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Quotable Quotes for $600.

Category: dribblings

“I wouldn’t want to date a … like you.” – Snatchie Onassis

“It was a night of regrets.” – Ladyjuggs Johnson

“You’ve been wigged!” – Shreddy Ford

“Cookie did litter!” – Ladyjuggs

“I gotta piss like a racist.” – Shreddy

“We have to be authentic.” – Snatchie

“Oprah changes everything.” – Shreddy

These were things we said that I wrote down on an index card. There was much booze. The only one I remembered was “You’ve been wigged!”

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Mister Biscuits Has Been Busy

Category: dribblings

Mister Biscuits is doing his best to rid the whole neighborhood of chipminks. I couldn’t be happier; those buggers are trying to break my ankle with the all the holes in the yard. But the other day the Catoe fam came over for dinner and really, the biggest hit of the evening was a dead chipmunk in the yard. I felt bad about it. I mean, your friends’ kids come over to throw rocks in the creek and then Gross Out City, there’s a dead animal. Don’t get me wrong, the kids loved it, but still, I feel like next time I should add “Check the yard for death” to the dinner checklist before they come over.

Laura took pictures. Gross, Laura.

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Multiple Choice

Category: dribblings

Jaimie’s throat hurts this morning from:

A. Allergies, walking at the park every day gets you a snootful of pollen.

B. Road rage incident.

C. Sporting event.

D. Karaoke.

Any of these answers are possible, unfortunately the answer is D. Karaoke.

Which song did Jaimie sing last night?

A. Love Shack (B52s)

B. Alone (Heart)

C. Wind of Change (Scorps)

D. Zombie (Cranberries)

E. All of these and more

I think you know the answer to that.

Justin, Cindy, Cookie, and I tore it up and sang every song we knew, much to the chagrin of Justin and Cindy’s dogs.

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George A. Romero: Interviews edited by Tony Williams

Category: 50 Books

George A. Romero: Interviews edited by Tony Williams

Let’s see, 40 years’ worth of interviews with movie director/writer, George A. Romero? Yes, please.

This book has a short introduction and the rest is just interviews, some better than others, but since the interviews span 40 years, it’s a great read because you see how Romero grows as an artist plus, you see how he really sticks to his independent roots. The interviews are entertaining to read, but this isn’t a book you just sit down and read for hours because it gets a bit tedious reading the same/similar questions over and over. I treated it a bit like a devotional, I’d read one interview in the morning with my coffee. This seemed to work well in that the reading of it went from being a chore to being kind of charming.

If you’re a Romero fan, movie buff, or love reading about older movies I’d reccommend this one.

 

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Doobies

Category: dribblings

While watching this video I had 4 thoughts:

1. Is Michael McDonald’s beard in the way? Is that why I can’t understand a goddamned thing he’s singing?

2. That piano riff is supposedly the “McDonald Sound” but I know it’s in that Captain and Tenille song, which was written like, 6 years earlier.

3. What the shit? That guy better be paralyzed. He’s not? What a dick.

4. There are 17 people in that band, but I only hear two instuments. Plus a beard, I guess.

 

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Just a quick thing

Category: dribblings

When I watch baseball on mlb.com they have lots of updates of great hits and plays that happen throughout the day/night. They post them on the front page and to tell you who the teams are they shorten the city names. Something must’ve happened during the Orioles/Bluejays game (bird fight!) so the abbreviation was Bal@Tor.

So I made up a baseball creature named Balator. It lives under homeplate. 

I was totally sober, I swear.

I wish it would eat Papelbon’s face off.

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Tornado? Wha?

Category: dribblings

So we had a small tornado come through our spot.

http://www.gadsdentimes.com/article/20110904/NEWS/110909897/-1/news01?Title=Weak-tornado-hits-in-Rainbow-City

Our place had no damage. My patio furniture and the old beer can on the table? Didn’t move an inch. The people behind us? (Or is it in front of us?) are the ones in the pictures with the giant trees down.

Mom and dad had a broken window.

I feel blessed, I mean, we had nothing but a power outage while the neighbors have trees all over the place.

Damn, Nature, You scary!

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book club?

Category: dribblings

I was at the Catoe’s house last night and their sweet kiddos were yelling out something about a book club over and over. Except they are little kids and it did not sound like they were yelling out book club at all.  I thought they were yelling out, “Butt plugs!” because that’s EXACTLY what it sounded like.

“Laura, what are they-”

“I know, it sounds like they are saying something terrible.”

“I’m pretty sure they are.”

“No, it’s book club. See on the TV, the books?”

“Butt plugs!”

“Butt Plugs!”

“Sure.”

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